hey everyone i'm french so please let me know if there are mistakes.

it's my very first story and constructive reviews are welcome =)

chester's pov:

I can't say that i want to stop it, not honestly.I need it.It's my way to get things out of my mind for a while.i do it at night when everyone's sleeping,using a cutter blade.no one ever find out and i intend to keep it that way,they wouldn't understand why me, confident singer of linkin park, rebellious style with a red dyed mohwank would cut myself,so i keep it all inside.

the show ended on one step closer.mike and chester were thanking the screaming fans as the other members waved their goodbyes and began to leave the stage.then they were walking in the corridor,talking with excitation until they reach their room.they got a quick shower and got dressed with fresh clothes and soon they were in the lp van, heading back to their bus.

-it was a great show the crowd was hot. said joe stifling a yawn.

-you said it babe answered chester from behind,setting his head against the window so he could take a nap during the ride.Brad,seated beside him ruffled his hair and said,laughing:

-good job chaz.i'm sure you scared some of them during the final scream in one step closer.

-it sure was loud added the mature figure of the band,rob.

-don't let them mock you kid it was awesome said vince.

-i love ya vince! yawned chester and he made a face to brad.

Vince was the driver of the band since their start.He was a caring man so tall and built-up that phoenix often told him he could have been one of their bodyguard.Mike giggled making chester laugh, he loved the emcee's giggle,so full of joy it almost made him jealous sometimes.Then chester closed his eyes he was tired and wanted to profit of this sleepy state to rest,he has troubles with insomnia and barely slept two hours a night.the van became silent and evryone fell more or less asleep.One hour later they were all woke up by the annoying sound of an old klaxon.joe let out a girlish scream making everyone burst out laughing and they got out the car to enter their bus saying goodnight to vince who was heading toward the staff bus where only five full time bodyguard,vince,and an organizer slept in.

brad,the last to enter the bus was welcomed by joe sceaming loudly at him:

-close that door i'm cold.

-only if you do your scream again laughed brad.

everyone began to laugh again and joe's cheeks flushed a deep red.

-closed that fucking door delson!! he angrily yelled.

brad closed the door and kissed his head still laughing like crazy.

then began the usual fight for the bathrooms and believe it two bathrooms for six men were far from enough.the first ones to go were phoennix and brad then joe took phoennix's place as brad always took hours in the bathroom.rob, chester, and mike, left on their own began a video game.later chester was asleep on the couch and the bathroom were released so rob and mike went in leaving chester to sleep until they were done.But no long after they were gone the singer woke up with a startle.Taking deep breathes he let his eyes slowly become used to the darkness.he was alone.Thinking the others were all in their bunk he take the small blade out of his pocket.a cutter blade.While heading for one of the bathroom he felt waves of anticipation, slight fear and excitation run through him.He felt alive, how irronic that the only thing able to make him feel alive was something that could cause his death if only he cut too deep.He distractedly openned the door holding the blade close to his chest.

To his utter horror he looked up to see mike watching him in the mirror above the sink.He gasped and clumsily shove the blade in his pocket.He looked up to see mike shirtless holding his toothbrush and smiling gently to him.

-sorry chess i didn't mean to scare you.

-...s-sorry ...I...

-you're okay? asked mike a concerned look on his beautiful features.

suddenly calmed down by the gentleness in mike's voice chester let out a relieved breath.he hadn't see.He managed to grin at the emcee.

-yeah you surprised me that's all.I'll let you finish.

He turned on his heels to go back but mike called to him.

-Wait, i'm almost done you can stay.

still under the shock chester looked up at him ignoring what to do.

-don't worry i'll move my fat ass so that you can find a place for yours. grinned mike.

Chester smiled to him and went beside him at the sink.While he brushed his teeth he began to notice mike looking him up and down.

When he was done he asked him in a confuse voice.

-why do you look at me like that?

Mike turned so that he was facing him.

-you're skinny as a twig chaz.You barely ate at noon again.It's been a while since i saw you eating properly.There was a time when you could eat your own weight of food.he added softly seeing chester stiffing.

-it's nothing i may be a little tired.I'm fine really mike don't worry for me.

mike watched him for a few seconds and shrugged his broad shoulders.

-alright if you say so.He patted the young man and got out of the bathroom.Chester sighed what was this nervous feeling he always felt when mike was looking him from close?

He washed his face but when he was going to head for his bunk he stopped.They were all in bed now.He was alone.He closed the door and made sure to locked it.He sit in a corner next to the sink and took the blade, he slowly pulled up his long sleeves and put the blade against his skin.Taking some time he thought about mike.He was right he was skinny he had lost weight again, he never had been one to gain pounds but now he could clearly see his ribs and nearly all his shirts were too big for him, same with his pants and underwear.Well he would think about it later.He pressed the sharp object to his wrist above a recent cut and blood began to trickle down his arm.He watched it enjoying the pain and the view of blood at the same time.He was fascinated by it.What if he cut very deep? Would he die? Could he pass out from blood loss? He pressed the blade a bit higher the deeper cut were mainly above the elbow.Blood fell again, staining his pants, more blood this time he has cut rather deep.He made two more cuts, lighter,Then he brought his knees to his chest and rocked softly.Focusing on the tingling pain, waiting for the blood to stop dripping.Ten minutes later he was in his black pajamas.He passed before joe's bunk at his right rob's one at his left and a few meter further mike's one on the left side and his on the opposite.He silently got in his bunk trying not to wake mike up.He didn't feel tired, he sat in the corner and looked mike sleeping.

"am i in love with mike?" he wandered.

"i often feel like taking him in my arms, kissing him.It wouldn't be wrong riht? love is love no matter what gender you are.But what about mike? he never talked about being appealed by men, but it's been a long time since i saw him with a girlfriend.And me? i'm not gai, the idea of kissing a man never pleased me, but with mike it's different.I feel safe with him. Why? after what a man did to me years ago,i've been raped, how can i stand the idea of being with a man."

Thinking about this dark time of his life made chester want to cut more. The rapes, the drug... that's when he first started to self-harm.He managed to stop when he first met the guy, then working on the album, writing, he was so nervous about making it as a band he nearly didn't think about it.But a while ago He had felt the urge to hurt himself again, the need to bleed.

And everything was coming back to him, the rapes, the drugs,emptyness.

He kept his eyes on mike, he was so beautiful asleep, all his features relaxed.It was almost soothing.

He just sat here, trying to understand himself as he could hear brad lightly snore and joe murmuring something incoherent in his sleep.