Drip…

My tears dripped down my trembling wrist, those droplets triggered the memory flashed through my mind even though I don't want to remember it but like my misty mind seems to be able to accept it.

"Mike, isn't it clear what I'm telling you? I want to end this relationship because I don't see any future in this relationship. You just work in that ugly restaurant and the income you earn can't even afford to eat for yourself in a month and I'm tired of your mental breakdown! ”

"Forgive Anna, I promise I will find a better job but I beg you don't give up on me, I feel my panic attacks lessened because of your love"

"I can't believe it, I'm not sure you really love me or not, I even suspect that if you are more attracted to men, am I right?"

"No Anna, please believe me."

"Stop it Mike, I can't believe what you're saying and I'm tired of you."

"Anna please, don't leave me ..."

I tried as hard as I could to ward off the memory, the memory that cracked my heart but maybe Anna was right, I really bothered her with my mental health problems, naturally she was tired because of that, after all I couldn't give her anything and she was right about my feelings for her, maybe I'm more attracted to men, maybe also to women, I don't know, this is enough to disturb my mind and make me unable to sleep well every night. I don't even understand myself, stupid me.

Drip ...

My tears dripped down my trembling wrist again, I wasn't cold, I didn't feel the warm water filling the tub I was sitting on right now, wetting my clothes and wetting my whole body, I almost didn't feel anything, except to feel the memory that flashed back into my memory.

"Mom, Dad, I don't mean to interfere but why do you want a divorce?"

"Mike, you don't know what I'm getting into with your dad."

"I don't know that but I still need both of you."

"Oh Mike, grow up!"

“Shut up Mike! You don't have to interfere after all, you're just an adopted! ”

I was horrified when I remembered the last word my father said, so far I just found out that I was just an adopted son and they told me at times like that. Did they pretend to be parents for me all that time? During that time they pretended to treat me as their son? If it ends like that why did they adopt me in the first place? Then where are my real parents? Are they dead? Or they didn't even want me in the first place? I guess that's right, who wants a stupid, worthless and useless child like me, only to trouble other people. I tried hard to brush off the memory and without realizing it, my right hand that was holding the razor tightly got closer to my half wrist.

Drip ...

"You need more time to pay your debt? Okay, but you know what you have to do right? "

My sobs grew louder and my tears flowed even more profusely when I remembered the sound when he unzipped his pants. Stupidly, I borrowed money from loan sharks just to fulfill Anna's wishes and stupid me who could not return the loan and he asked me to suck his penis so that I was given additional time to pay off the loan. I was stupid enough to do all that and now Anna dumped me. I am stupid and useless.

Drip ...

"Brad, can you come to my apartment?"

"What's wrong, Mike?"

"Umm ... I have something to talk to you about, I-I think ... I-I-I need someone to talk ..."

"Can't you say it now on the cell phone?"

"Umm ... I-I don't know, I-I'm confused w-where to start from."

"Listen Mike, how about tomorrow? Right now I'm at my friends pool party, I can't leave them. "

"Oh well, I-I'm sorry I bothered y-you."

See, even my friend really tired of me, I must have only bothered him all this time even though Brad often helps me but what do I give him? Nothing.

Drip ...

“You are dumbfounded again! You are often absent-minded at work, I should have been fired a long time ago. What's wrong with you? Do you do drugs? "

"I'm sorry sir, I didn't get enough sleep last night."

"I don't want to hear your excuses, if you're like this again you don't have to bother coming back here."

"Yes sir, I'm sorry."

Look, I can't even work properly even though my job is easy, I only serve restaurant customers, clean tables and wash cutlery but with all the mess I face I can't focus on working plus the other staff who talk about me behind my back, I know them. nicknamed me an addict, a freak, a mental illness. I'm not an addict but I can't deny that I'm weird and mentally ill, they're right about that. Trust me, I'm trying to treat my anxiety, it's just that sometimes I don't take the medicine because it makes me feel numb, I can't feel emotions and even make me sleepy, so I feel awkward if I take medicine I can't function even though I have to work but if I don't take medicine I will easily have panic attacks in public.

I think that is enough, enough for me to realize myself that I should never exist in this world. If I continue with my life I will only trouble other people, I only take up space, I only use up air, I am just a mental sick freak who should die. Enough for 30 years I trouble other people, if I die they also will not care about me.

I live a burden, I die ignored.

I sobbed again and confidently without a doubt my right hand slashed my left wrist with a razor, at first I didn't feel anything then I sliced deeper vertically then I felt a sharp pain that made me jerk and whine, the razor slipped from my grip and fell into the water, I was not looking for it anymore, my fogy mind was suddenly triggered by the excruciating pain in my left wrist which was cut and the blood was flowing, dripping loudly mixing with the warm water in the tub.

The pain didn't go away, it felt like it kept getting slashed and made my body tremble but I know that I deserve this, this is my punishment because I've been troubling other people all this time, if I die they will definitely be happy, if I ... if I ... damn, I'm getting more and more difficult to breathe, so it feels like I'm almost dying, just able to stare at the bathroom ceiling, my heart is pounding, my chest feels hot because it's hard to breathe and my body can't move just limping in the tub where the water turns red. I apologize to whoever later finds my body here, because maybe I will trouble you once again, but I promise that after this I will never disturb you again. Really promise.