Category Linkin Park

To find myself again by hattu

To find myself again

Hello again!

Nice to see so many nice updates, here again. Eventhough there is this one special update I am missing. But there is still hope it will happend some day ;)

Short standalone, needed to clear my head, this is what happend.

Unbetad, all errors you find belong to you for keeping ;)

Don´t own, never happend, just fiction.


You can´t find peace. Your blood still rushes through your veins, adrenaline still circling your body. It all went by so fast. You feel your mind being even more behind the events oft he evening than your body. You´re restless, you can´t grasp what had taken place today.

A few hours ago you felt like dying. A tight know where your stomach should have been, hands trembling. You´ve never been this nervous, never. You can´t focus, then Brads steps into your line of sight.

„You okay?“, you can´t answer, hell you can´t even breath. Brad grasps your head and looks deeply into your eyes.

„Breath with me“, he whispers. You try to focus, you try to breath. Memories of your first show floating into your mind. Brad doing the exact same thing, but not with you. Back then it was him. You squint your eyes, desperately trying to breath. The memory becomes to painful, you draw a strangled breath and your stomach revolts. Brad turning you to the side and bending you towards the dustbin as you heave up the little bit of food Anna forced you to eat.

You never ever threw up before a show, never. It was always him, always him getting this nervous. You try to sort out what is happening to you, but you fail. You don´t know yourself anymore. You miss him, you miss terribly. Waiting for his crude remark because your so nervous, you threw up. But there is no remark, tonight there is only silence.

Tonight you have to be you and you have to be him. You have to step into the spotlight and you have to do it alone, completely alone. He won´t be there to take the attention away from you, you can´t hide in his shadow tonight. The spotlight will be on you, and only you.

You see Brads bandaged arm holding the bin. Feeling Robs hand on your back, smelling a tint of alcohol on him. Slowly looking up you see Joe swallowing his pills and Phi´s face with red rimmed eyes and faint tracks of tears. Maybe it is to early?

You´re all not fine, no matter how much you all wish to believe that. You´re all far from fine.

You hear the roar of your fans outside. It´s too early you think. Too early. But now there is no way around it. The red numbers flashing while ticking down. 1 minute to go. There is no excitement, there is no jumping around. There is only silence, deafening silence and it´s killing you. You can´t do it, but you need to do it. You have to.

In a daze you get up and follow the path to the stage, awfully missing the annoying jumping tattooed man. You don´t know how you will survive this, how you will step onto that stage alone. As you step into the light, you pray for help, your insights screaming to stop everything.


Now, hours later your mind has not managed to put the pictures together, or got your feelings in order. You have no idea what happened after you stepped on the stage. No recollection of what you said, you can´t remember a thing. No, that´s not true.

His mic, vacated and alone. That sight broke your heart all over again. All the moments where your mind played tricks on you, telling you to wait for him, telling you it is his line to sing. And then the moment you had to step up to your mic, with his bracelets on your wrists. The moment you had to sing the song that so painfully became true to you all.

You remember you voice struggling, no not your voice, your whole being, struggling to reach his example. How you swallowed your feelings and pushed down the urge to just break down and cry, is beyond you. But the hardest part was yet to come.

For the first time ever, you laid out your feelings for all to see. Just you alone, open and bare. You let them into your head and into your heart. Something you never did on stage before, that was always him, always. But tonight, tonight you needed to be you and him together.

From then everything else is blur. Now you´re here in your house, not sure how you got here. Not sure what happened. You can´t manage to calm yourself down. Your thoughts running, pictures of the show, pictures of him, memories and the events of the evening blurring together. Sometimes mixing so it seems he was with you tonight. You feel like going crazy.

Your breathing speeds up again, you feel the panic rise. The room, the house, it feels suffocating. So you flee. You flee to your car and start driving. You´re mind not really set on where you´re going.

It´s dark, it´s creepy, it´s scary. But somehow, you know this is the only place where you will find peace tonight. You get out of the car, you take a deep breath of the chilly night air. You follow the dark path, you don´t need a light, you let the blanket of darkness surround you.

Stopping infront of the only place where you can find him now. Looking down taking a deep breath, before you look up in the star covered sky. Your eyes fill with tears, hugging yourself, you finally let loose. All the emotions you pushed down in order to make it. You let out a sob and your knees buckle and you sink down ground crying. You double over in grieving pain.

You feel strong arms encircling your sobbing body. You let yourself getting pulled against the silent figure beside you. Your mind telling you it must be Rob. You bury yourself into him. Your trembling hands desperately clawing at his shirt while sobs racking your whole body.

There are lanky fingers drawing circles on your back, trying to calm you. Must be Brad you think, but you can´t calm down. Not right now. You never really allowed yourself to let loose these last months and you´re tired of it. So you let yourself drown sorrows, in your grief, depending on your friends to hold. And finally, finally your tears lessen and you feel your mind and body to calm down. You take a few deep breaths before you look up and see into Robs tearstained face.

“Better?” you just nod, still not trusting your voice.

To your side you feel Brad trembling, you pull him into you. You three making a weird tangled crying mess. There are arms encircling Rob from behind and you hear Phi sniffing and the you feel Joe next to Brad. How on earth you all turned up here at the graveyard in the middle of the night is beyond you, but your grateful that there all here, that your all breathing, that you´re all still alive.

You´re all struggling, you´re all not fine, but you´re all here.


Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

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