Category Linkin Park

Letter by hattu

Dear Chester

Hey everybody,

it´s been years, but since Chesters passing, I´ve took a retour in to the past.

Lot´s of reading, lot´s of getting through old files and photos.

This was something I´ve wrote years ago, but never put it up here. I found it too depressing. As i came across it, I couldn´t help an rewrite it. There wasn´t much I needed to change. I just need something that might help to get some peace in my mind.

I still feel it is depressing and I hope this far far far away from the truth.

This is unbetaed. Sorry for any mistakes.

Disclaimer: Don´t own, never happend, just fiction.


Dear Chester,

it´s me again. I´ve....


I don´t....

I am at loss of words.

I am speechless.

With everyday passing, I feel a little bit more empty. It has been more than a month ago. Only a fucking month. It feels like a million years ago. I can´t put myself together anymore. My thoughts running a million miles ahead of me. I still can´t comprehend or grasp the fact, that you are gone. I just can´t.

Everybody is telling me to give it time. Time will heal the wounds. That I just need to get through the stages of grieving and everything will be fine again. Yeah right...

That I just need to pull through the denial, the acceptance, reminiscence and anger...or what were the stages? Doesn´t matter, I just don´t see it. As I said my thought running way ahead of me, as well as my emotions. Every minute I am awake feels like a rollercoaster. Denial, disbelief, heartbroken, devastated, sad, shattered, you name it I feel it.

I feel myself slipping away from reality. I ask myself why? And then I don´t, because I will never get an answer. To be honest, I think I know the answer. I´ve known the answer right from the start, didn't I?

Your demons were always by your side. Or should I say our? From the first time you broke down in tears during a lyric session, I just knew and felt that the time, I or better we, will have with you will be limited.

Over the years there were times where I thought you finally managed to fight the demons off for good. I would dream, you would be with us until we´re old, wrinkly and grey. But these times were short and always ended with a harsh return of them and breakdown on your side. And then there were times where I was afraid to leave you alone. Or afraid to go over to you, after you´ve been alone. I was afraid to find your body bleed to death in your house. I never pictured you hanging yourself, though.

In the end I, or should I say we? Doesn´t matter, we should have seen it coming, shouldn´t we? But we didn´t. We or I were totally blind to your pain. Or did I just blend it out over the new album and tour? I just don´t know anymore. There is nothing really left of what I thought I knew. Nothing left of the things I was certain about. There is just this scary dark void. Everything feels jumbled up...upside down...just wrong.

I don´t know how Anna is doing. I don´t know how the guys are doing. I am afraid to ask; no I am afraid to face them. I am far from doing well. I speed through all stages of grieving several times a day. Just one is missing. Anger. I can´t be angry at you. I just can´t. People are asking if we´re not angry at you? People posting you are a coward for taking "the easy way out". What should that mean anyway? 40 years of fighting with your demons isn´t really easy. Everybody does, some demons are just harder to fight than others. But to stand up every day and face them is not easy. And yours are vicious. You fought them of many times. So often alone and even so many times you asked or screamed for help. And we were there to get you through. To stand behind you, fighting together with you.

We all knew how dangerous and vicious your demons are. But even though we knew, we didn´t realized that after Chris left, you hadn´t had any strength left to fight them or ask for help. The grieving took all your strength away, did it? I could deal with grieving for Chris, that was hard. Losing Chris and see you in so much pain. That was one thing...it was nothing ...nothing compared to the emotional, yeah even physical pain and chaos I am now struggling with now. Chester you don´t know how much I wish I could turn back the time. Concerning the out pour of love we´ve received since you´ve been gone. I guess I am not alone, feeling this way.

But in the end everybody has to cope and deal with their feelings their own way...healthy or not so healthy ways. You can get help; ask for someone to hold you, to reassure you, that everything is going to be okay. That it is all in your head....we did that to many times...

But this time it isn´t all in my head. You are really gone. You won´t come over with new song ideas. You won´t come over with Talinda and the kids. You won´t be standing next to me on stage screaming your heart out. You´re not here...you´re not here holding me and talk my demons and insecurities away. No one is. Because everything and everybody is a mess.

I feel like I´ve been falling into a deep dark never ending abyss. I try to seem like I am holding up. But I am falling. I keep posting memorial pics of you. Just to seem okay....I can´t write something. I will end up ranting, like I do know here.

I am not okay. And I am not sure if I ever will be. At the moment have no strength left. I sitting here drinking, writing you. Hoping it would help me. But it doesn´t. The house is silent. The studio is silent. The whisky is already empty. I feel empty and helpless. And guess what? My demons sitting next to me, putting me down, screaming at me. And I am so defenseless, since you left.

I can´t make them to shut up. And there is another problem. You left Chester....but your demons didn´t. Ever since you left there right here. Applauding me that I left you alone to fight them, so they could finally get you. I can´t fight them. I just can´t. Was this the way you felt just before you picked up that belt? Was it?

Your demons stayed; maybe a part from you did to? If so..please please help! Cause I feel like given up...


Reviews are welcome.

*off reading update on "Cutie men"* Thank you so much for that!!!