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Jilted Ill by im.no.saviour

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From: murryalmighty

Email: murry@ou.edu

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: 1

I imagined it was Mike and Chester, too. I'm a whore for Bennoda, though.


This was a really good start. You have a good sense of style in your writing, and you're precise.


The only thing I would recommend to make your future pieces even stronger, is to consider character and motivation. Reading this I really wanted to know how they knew each other, what exactly happened between them so long ago, and why did the character feel like murder was necessary. From what I can tell, the one character once loved the other from afar while the latter ignored him. They meet again and something sparks and just when he's getting what he always wanted, he kills it. That doesn't really make sense to me.


Maybe that's not what you intended. Maybe I'm putting a different spin on it, but if you intended it to be one way, it should be made clear in the story.


Either way-- good first story, and I can't wait to see what else you come up with.

From: dark_red

Email:

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: 1

Copy-pasting from LJ:


I also imagined Mike and Chester as the respective victim and murderer. But that's my Bennoda/Mike angst fetish for ya.


This is good for a first entry. It's well written and well paced, and the last few paragraphs in particular creeped me out, with the murderer rearranging the victim's body and whatnot. There are two things I'm curious about. The italics are an interesting touch, but I was wondering how you went about choosing them, as I wasn't able to find a way to connect them. Also, I think I wanted a little more insight on how it was that the murderer knew the victim from long ago but the victim seemingly didn't recognize him. Even if you just mentioned it in passing, it was definitely something I found myself asking after reading this.


Great job with this, thanks for posting. :)

From: Sudercer

Date: 2007-12-10

Chapter: 1

O_O


Woah.


Like, that's literally what my reaction to this was. <3 I always love your writing though. That was...I don't know. Blew my mind, dudester.


Amazing.

From: again.and.again

Date: 2007-12-09

Chapter: 1

oh wow 0.0 I love that! I just love suspense and this was just SO amazing. I imagined it as Brad and Mike because of them going to high school together and I was like, oh jeez, Brad's insane.

But seriously, that was amazing. I loved it!

‚ô•Sammy

From: LP_babe

Email: logged out

Date: 2007-12-09

Chapter: 1

Loved this! Still love this.

I love how you have explored this, I was at the edge of seat because I was eager to know what was going to happen and all. I imagined this as [Bennoda] only because I'm a big Bennoda fan myself as you may already know *nods* I think both of them played the roles good, and I felt sorry for Mikeh<33 in the end.


Nice work,

Simmy xox.

From: crazypuglady

Email:

Date: 2007-12-09

Chapter: 1

Dang, dude. You already had a spastic fan in me but this just made me even more spasticer (yes, I said more spasticer, haha) yet. This was great, I loved the descriptions of the characters and, well, everything else about it. You're a brilliant writer, and keep it up!!! :D

From: malaiyas

Date: 2007-12-09

Chapter: 1

You know I love this.<3

As I said before, it is horrible in the most wonderful way.

I also really love that you didn't use any names; I happen to love fiction in which the characters are left up to the reader, especially in one like this.

Well-written, creepy, wonderfully morbid - perfect!<3

From: L~T

Date: 2007-12-09

Chapter: 1

kf afiasfsafarasfjasfuafa sru;asfmas faj04sdfkja rfasfasfasf lasfja!!


..



HOMG.


Amazing.

Brilliantly written.

I wish I had more to say but...my mind seems to just be in a state of awe right now.


*faves* <3 :)

From: Barush

Date: 2007-12-09

Chapter: 1

Oh, wow. Me being a Bennoda lover I imaged Chester as the killer=) And it wasn't creepy at all I'd say, rather mysterious. I've been kept at the edge of my seat the whole time <3 Awesome, I really loved it!


And this it totally random but I have a strong urge to mention it he he I always notice when Mike says 'real quick' and I have a feeling he says it kinda often. So that fit perfectly!

From: Lee (logged out)

Email:

Date: 2007-12-09

Chapter: 1

Shit. That was good. o__o; I loved the language you used in this, it was very romantic but eerie and enigmatic at the same time. Fit the story line well. :) As always, I imagined this to be Bennoda, but what else is new? xD Anyway, I liked this a lot. When I log in, I'm definitely rating and faving it. <3

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