Yep I'm back and was depressed during my vacation. This is the result of it. I have all three chapters written already.

Please hurt me. Throw me on the floor and beat me up, cause of the piece of shit that I am. I'm afraid to forgive you. Scared that you might make me happy. Only to hurt me all over again. That you could break down my barriers and measures of self harm. I was made to get hurt. You can't change that - Mike hurts beyond repair. Can the man, who once loved and hurt him most help him? -slash-

Day one

"Hello you."

My heart skips a beat. My throat constricts. This is the moment I dreaded and anticipated at the same time. You are here. You of all people. You are here to hurt me. Or to save me? No, there is no cure for this. I am doomed. I'm just a fucked up jerk who rots inside, until he is no more.

You sigh and take a seat next to my bed. They probably told you that I don't speak anymore. Why should I? I deserve this. To be mute. To avoid all social contact. Isolated from everybody else. I'm used to pitiful faces watching me. I'm beyond caring.

"It's been a while, huh?"

10 months, 8 days, 10 hours and 45 minutes since you dumped me. Since my world fell apart.

"I've missed you."

I've missed you too. More than I can say. More than you can ever understand. I needed you like the air that I breathe. Like everything that's beautiful in this dark world. Like everything that's worth living and struggling for.

"I've been thinking a lot. About us. About everything that went wrong." you sigh again "What I did is inexcusable, but you have to believe me, when I say that I'm sorry."

I'm sorry too. Sorry for falling in love with you. Sorry for trusting and believing you. Sorry for giving you my most precious and vulnerable posession. My heart. You ripped it into shreds, then spit on it. You made me what I was. Better, what I though I was. And you made me what I am right now.

"You must hate me for what I did."

Do I hate you? Yes I hate what you did. What you made me feel. How you saved me, only to destroy me again. But do I really hate you?

No. I still love you. So much that it almost suffocates me. If there is one person that I hate, it's me. I always did. It's natural to me. For a short while you almost made me believe otherwise. That I deserved to be loved. That I was the luckiest man on this planet.

Then you showed me the opposite. You, the man that meant more to me than life itself. You took everything away.

"I wish you would at least say something."

No. I'm beyond speech. You should know that. Why do you even care? Why are you really here?

I hear faint sniffling. You are crying. I move my eyes from the white spot on the wall. I dread it, but I have to see your face.

I know it'll hurt me. But hurt is good, I want to hurt. That's all I've got left.

You look the same. You haven't changed at all. Just like on the day I first saw you. Back in school when I fell in love with your beautiful shiny eyes. They gave me hope. Now they're almost mocking me.

Your eyes glisten with tears. They slide down your cheeks. You look like you do care. Too bad that I don't care anymore.

"I bought your solo album. I love it to pieces. You're so talented. I knew you would make it."

I hate that album. It's just another piece of shit. Just like everything I've ever written. For a while I really thought I could do it. That there was a life after Linkin Park. That I could go on without you. After that fateful day when our love died, just like the band, the dream we shared.

I tried to move on. I really did. But it didn't work. It wasn't meant to be. I was only playing and pretending.

During the days I would grin and rap. During the nights I would cry and bleed. I've tried everything to forget you. Nothing worked.

Partying, alcohol, drugs, fucking groupies and hookers, both male and female. I've done it all.

It only proved what I now have accepted. That I'm meant to hurt. That I don't deserve happiness. That everyone and everything will hurt me in the end.

"You got me so worried, when I heard about your collapse."

So that's why you're here? You pity me. You wanna see what you caused.

I feel guilty.

You don't care about me. You only want to get rid of your bad conscience. You destroyed me, now you have to live with it.

"Mike, you can't go on like this. You should see yourself."

You take my hand in your's. I flinch, but let you. I don't care about human contact or my body anymore.

I should see myself? Don't need to. I know I'm disgusting.

You start stroking over the back of my hand. I'm numb. I don't feel anything. I don't deserve comfort.

You gasp. "Oh my god Mike! What did you do to yourself?"

So you saw them. I know I should be ashamed, but I'm not. Those scars, that cover both of my arms, remind me of the few happy moments I had in those past months. I felt so good. So at ease. Like I'm meant to slice my skin open. They took this away from me, when they brought me here.

Now I have nothing.

Don't they realise that nothing else helps? That I have to be like this. That there is no other way.

There is a faint knock on the door. A nurse enters with - oh god that smell - food.

"Hello Michael. Oh you have a visitor. How nice. I'm happy for you."

She looks at you. "Maybe you can make him smile again. I love your smile Mike. And your paintings."

She places the tray infront of me. It smells delicious. I've always loved to eat. That's exactly the reason why I hardly do it anymore. I don't deserve joy. I don't deserve taste and a contentedly filled stomach.

I take the bread and slowly begin to eat it. It isn't tasty but at least it keeps my stomach from twisting. And the only way to prevent them from force feeding me.

I take some sips of water to swallow the bread down.

"Why don't you eat anymore?" You ask concerned. "Look you have pasta. You love pasta."

You take some of it on a fork and bring it up. Just as to show it to me. I do love pasta. Not eating it anymore is only another form of punishment. They took away my knife, but that doesn't mean that I can't hurt myself anymore.

I look down at the tray of food. I even have chocolate cake. I can almost feel it melt on my tongue. Chocolate makes happy, but unfortunately I can't be like that anymore.

You sit there unsure of what to say. I wish you would just yell at me. Throw me on the floor and beat me up, cause of the fucking piece of shit that I am. It would make everything better. It would kill the little bit of hope that still lives within me. It hurts so bad. It eats me up from the inside.

But I am so afraid. I can't love again. I can't be happy again. I just can't. It's too painful.

"Can't you at least try to forgive me? If not for me, then for your own sake."

I already did. I would have left and hurt myself as well. No need to blame yourself. It was meant to be.

"I still love you. You have to believe me. I've thought about you everyday. Regretted the choice that I made."

I want to say 'I love you too' and throw myself into your arms. But I can't. It hurts too much and that is good.

"This is your's. If you still want to have it, that is. I've realised that I can't live without you. You are my life. You are everything to me. Please give me another chance. Please make me the happiest man alive and say 'yes' once again."

You slip the ring on my finger and I close my eyes. Memories of that day flash through my mind. The day you proposed to me. I still cherish these moments. I've never felt so good. I would have never thought that this was all a lie. That you didn't mean it.

"Please let me help you. Let me undo all the harm that I caused. Please marry me!"

It's too late. Can't you see that? I can't be helped. By no one. I wish you, as well as everybody else, would just leave me alone.

Another faint knock on the door. A nurse again. "I'm sorry visiting time is over."

You kiss my forehead and squeeze my hand.

"I'll be back tomorrow. Don't worry, I won't leave you again."

I turn around and curl up in the bed. Staring at my favorite spot on the wall once again. Wishing the world would just stop turning and I could be in your arms, my warm blood flowing out of me.

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I'm really unsure when it comes to this story. Please review and put me out of my misery or tell me what to make better lol