Category Linkin Park

Dear Diary... by Killr_Ookami

Title: Dear Diary...

Author: Killr_Ookami

Genre: Love & Romance

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I own Rob's clone...But not him

A/N: Read...Review...Make me happy...


When I start a new journal, it usually means that I’m ready to take a new start on my life and forget about the old one. This case is no different. He fucked up my life so bad; the endless nights of tears, the heartache, the pain, the feeling of guilt, the confusion... It was all too much for me to take, hence the reason why I moved away from my hometown to start a new life in the busy city of LA.

I suppose I had better introduce myself. My name is Rob. Robert Bourdon to be exact. I’m 22 years old and about as shy as they come. I guess that my shyness is the reason why I express myself so much in my writing. It makes me feel more open and not so closed in. I can be as silent and distant from a group of people as I want, but all my emotions come bursting out the second my pen hits paper. I never share any of my writings with anyone of course, they wouldn’t understand the feelings behind my words, just like my old boyfriend Sean didn’t understand me...

I was so sure that Sean would be the one I stayed with for the rest of my life. From the very first day we met at a gay club we were inseparable. We spent every second that we could with each other, and when we weren’t with each other, we talked for hours on end over the phone or typed private messages over the internet until our fingers were sore and our eyes couldn’t focus on the screen any longer. I had loved Sean with all my heart. He had actually helped me become more open about my feelings to him and it finally got to the point where I wasn’t nearly as shy around him then when we first met. I wish my time with Sean could have been eternal, but it was obviously all to good to be true. He started getting physical with me, touching me in areas that made me feel uncomfortable around him. I told him this one day but he had simply shrugged and said that he bet I liked it.

His actions continued for about a week, with him grasping for my private area every chance he got. I tried to tell him countless times that I didn’t like him doing those things, but he only smiled, taking my words as a joke. One day he actually pulled my pants down and attempted to grasp my cock. That was what set me off.

"Sean! How many times do I have to tell you!? I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING THIS!" I had surprised even myself with how loud my voice was as I tugged my pants back on. He took a step back, his normally soft green eyes burning into mine.

"Is that what you want, pretty boy? To die a fricking virgin?" He spat. I shook my head, tears spring to my eyes as I regretted yelling at him.

"No. That’s not it at all. I just want to take things slow."

"We have been taking things slow! If we went any slower we would be going backwards!" Sean’s sudden change of heart frightened me. "And I, for one, Robert Bourdon, am not going to be following your rules all the time! It’s always you, you, you. You never stop to think about my feelings!"

"No, that’s not true." I said through hot tears. "I just don’t feel comfortable doing this yet. A good boyfriend would understa-"

"A good boyfriend!?" Sean burst out laughing. "You consider a good boyfriend to be a slave to your every whim? I don’t call that a boyfriend. I call that a brainwashed fool!" He sank to his knees, laughing so hard I swear he was about to start crying. "But that’s fine with me, Rob. You go build yourself a robot who will respect your every need. I can do so much better than you." Before I had a chance to try to stop him, he was tugging his coat on and leaving my house...forever.

That’s why I moved out to this small apartment in LA. He completely crushed me, tore my heart out and left me there to bleed. After he left me, my shyness was worse than ever before, if it was possible. I had to move away because I was afraid of ever seeing him again. I never want to look at the face of the person whom I thought I loved for so long. Never.

I’ve been in LA for almost two weeks now, just sort of taking things slow. I moved here because one of my close friends from high school, Phoenix, had bought a condo in the east side of town.

I got a job at the music store downtown. It was the same company that I used to work for back in Arizona. Boom Box Music. I told my boss that I had to quit because I was moving to LA and he told me that he could try to get me a job with the same music store. After a few phone calls reported that it was my lucky day because they were in need of workers at that particular joint and I had already gotten the job. I guess it finally paid off to be one of the best employees that he had.

I really like the manager at this Boom Box Music store. He looks to be only a few years older than me and extremely cute. He was dressed in tan cargo pants and a blue work shirt with a red name tag pinned to it (Just like what we had to wear back in Arizona) when I met him for my first day if work. His name is Mike Shinoda by the way. I love his last name. It has so much flavor to it (cheesy as that may sound). It’s not dull and boring like mine is. Mike smiles an awful lot too. I wish I could smile that much. His teeth are nice and straight and he doesn’t just smile with his lips, or his face for that matter. He smiles with his whole fricking body. It’s a mystery to me how anyone can be so happy all the time.

He gave me a short tour of the store before it opened and took me in the back to show me what I was supposed to do.

"We’ll start you out with unloading and shelving merchandise. You know how to do that right?" I nodded. "Okay. It’s kind of weird for me not to have to go through everything like we normally have to do with new employees. It’s actually kind of nice" He gave me another wide grin and the corners of my lips twitched upward as well. "So, think you can handle everything, Rob?"

"Uh...Yeah." I muttered shyly. Of course I could handle everything. It was no different than the store back in Arizona.

"Okay. I’ll be up front if you need me. I have to run the check-out line."

So the rest of my day was spent unpacking boxes and putting the stuff on the right shelves. Mike came back around noon and told me that it was lunch hour and he was going to the Arby’s at the end of the block. He offered to drive me as well, but I politely refused, saying I wasn’t very hungry. He gave me another wide grin and told me he would see me in about 45 minutes then.

When the day was over, I muttered a shy good-bye to him and drove back to my apartment. It took forever because of rush hour, but I finally made it.

I like Mike a lot, but I could never like him like a boyfriend. Sean was right. I was too picky. No one would want to be with me. The only thing dating Mike would result in was both of us getting our hearts broken. Besides, he’s probably not even gay. He doesn’t look like the type who would ever dare lock lips with another guy.

I decided to call Phoenix after a bit. Maybe we could get together during the weekend.


"Hey Phe, it’s me."

"Oh hey Rob! I was wondering when you would call." He sounded cheerful as always and it made me smile. "So how are you bro?"

"Fine. I went to work this morning."

"Really? You got a job already? Where?"

"The Boom Box Music on 6th street. My boss managed to get me a job there."

"Oh yeah, you worked at the same place back in Arizona, huh? I know the manager at the one in town." My ears pricked at this. "Mike Shinoda. He’s pretty cool don’t you think?"

"Yeah, he was nice to me."

"I met him when I went there to replace a string I broke on my bass. We hang out together sometimes. Maybe you’ll make yourself some new friends while you’re here."

"Yeah...Maybe." I tugged at a loose thread on the couch until it finally came free.

"I’m sure you will, Rob. There are a lot of people in LA. I can take you some of the bars and stuff. You’ll meet plenty of people there."

"I suppose I would, but you know how I feel around people. Especially after what happened with Sean."

"Sean was an asshole. No everyone is like him, Rob. You can’t let one jackass ruin your life." I didn’t reply to this. I loved Sean with all my heart when we were dating and much as I would like to think Phoenix was right, I still had my doubts about people no being like him.

We talked about a few more things before I said I had to go and hung up. I sat around on the couch, watching TV and thinking about Sean. He is still the up most thing on my mind right now and I’m not sure how well I’m going to sleep, but I have to get up early for work tomorrow so I guess I’ll say goodnight. I’ll write as soon as I get home and tell you how my day was.

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