Category Linkin Park

You Are Perfect To Me by ValentineShinoda


Being on tour has made me more homesick than I thought that I would ever be. I miss my family and my boys all five of them.

Only four of them are physically here but the chain around my neck speaks volumes in my heart that words cannot do justice for the volumes it speaks and I will break myself apart if I even try so I won’t try.

When I go on stage I fully expect him to be in the crowd but he isn’t.

Phoenix texted me the other day and it felt so weird because he is normally on tour with me but he isn’t and that alone makes me think that I am leaving them behind but I made sure to tell them that I wasn’t but grief is sometimes as fresh over a year later as it is the day the person passed away.

These days sometimes my name makes my skin crawl and Chester’s voice seems to be everywhere I am and I see him in every face in the crowd. I have even forgot to put in my contacts one night because I thought blurry vision would be better because I wouldn’t see him but he was clear as day and the plan only gave me a headache that was so bad that I woke up three the next afternoon.

I have a good number of demons inside me and I have mentioned it before but nobody thought nothing of it. I tried almost everything to feel the right thing but being alive for me is an act that I feel guilty about because what did I miss because I said he was a person that was like a brother to me but I know that his demons were always a part of the deal.

I often think about how Chester was sent to us in our time of need by the heavens. We were struggling and god sent an angel that we needed. His voice was like an angel straight from the heavens and his scream was so loud the heavens could hear.

He was called home so he went, we went everywhere together, I just hoped he gave me warning before the pain took him but it wasn’t him that caused my pain and grief it was the demons that were always a part of the deal and what I didn’t know was how close the demons were to him and how hard a grip that they had on him.

The songs were like therapy to me but when they were released I felt like the most selfish person alive because I was making my private journal into an album that had my name on it and I have spent nights awake in my bunk talking to Chester quietly knowing he could hear me but at the moment I wasn’t entirely sure.

Going on stage makes me feel better made me feel less like that but as soon as I got off stage the feeling came back because I didn’t see what my music was doing.

Today Phoenix texted me again and it gave me comfort because talking to family made me feel like I was not the most selfish human on earth because I wasn’t staying in my own head for a long enough time to lose my train of thought completely.

I am on tour with two other guys but no offence to either of them they are not my guys. They never went through the hard times with me at the very beginning with me and they don’t know me inside out. They aren’t my boys but they are on tour with me.

My boys are like family to me and we could call each other anything and laugh it off minutes later. I am a socially awkward guy with thousands of fans that he loves to death but even the most popular rock stars love to be in the dark from time to time.

There are some days when I can’t even get myself out of bed and there are some days where I do shows with a smile on my face that took effort to stay on my face.

I love my job for the world but I think of how many good things that happened in result and smile while looking at pictures but at the same time I am crying because of the memories that I never get to make with him. When I think of him I smile and a tear rolls down my cheek.

Sometimes I can feel his arm on my shoulder and his words in my ears that were the same every time I was down or something like that. He gave me a frame with the saying in it and I have to have it.

Inside the simple black frame are the words,

“Pretty, pretty, please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing. You're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean, so mean when you talk, when you talk

About yourself. You were wrong.

Change the voices, change the voices in your head, in your head

Make them like you instead.

So complicated,

Look how we all make it.

Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game

It's enough, I've done all I could think of

Chased down all my demons

I've seen you do the same

Oh, oh

Pretty, pretty, please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing. You're fucking perfect to me”

I look at the words written in Chester’s handwriting and say,

“Ches, I am doing this for you and I am fucking perfect and that is for you too”.

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