Let’s start with something new. This was original a short standalone around Rob. Normally I write on paper a type it up later. As I typed this up the plotbunnies went crazy and now I am three chapters into a story. No idea where this will go, I just thought I take you with me on ride.

Hope you enjoy!

As always this is only fiction, never happened, don’t own.

And this unbetaed, sorry for any mistakes ;)

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Chapter 1

It´s been a week now or already more? Rob is lying in his bed, curled up in his blankets, he is not sure how many days have been past. The world around him, doesn´t make sense anymore. He can´t comprehend the fact that he won´t be here anymore. That he is gone. His laughter silenced forever, his voice never to be heard anymore.

With him gone, Robs world crumbled into dust. From the moment he heard the news until now, he isn´t really sure what happened. He remembers that he struggled to breath, his mind going in overdrive, while his heart screamed and begged the news not to be true.

Next thing he knows, he is in his bedroom. Joe and his wife are there, trying to help the drummer to understand. Trying to get him on his feet again. Just Rob doesn´t even want to. All his life he fighted with his fears and his addictions. He struggled with the attention drawn to him. Always knowing his friends would be there to catch him, should he fall. He always found comfort in the singers silent strength. He was sure he could manage, when the singer could.

But now? Now, the world is upside down. His friends are struggling too, some more than others. Somewhere in his mind he thinks that beside Joe, Phe and Mike have been with him…he is not so sure about Brad. But his mind is way to foggy anyway. There is this big dark void that is filling him up from the inside. It blocks out everything else.

There is a voice, a voice that seems to call him. Or not?

“Rob? Please Rob, look at me!” The drummers hazy mind slowly focusses.

“Come on Rob, please! We need you today!” He feels the urgency in the voice and finally his mind allows him to focus. Tiredly his eyes land on Phe who is kneeling in front of his bed.

“Phe?” he croaks out.

“Yes, it´s me. We need you today Rob. You need to get up.” With empty eyes Rob tries to follow the words, tries to understand the meaning. It takes a bit.

“Why?”

“It´s…we´re…there…” Phe is struggling with his words as silent tears run down his cheeks. The bassist takes in a shaky breath before he speaks again.

“It´s his funeral today, you need to be there” Again the drummers mind needs time to put a meaning to the words. Rob takes a shaky breath, his mind and heart screaming. He curls himself under his blanket.

“No! Rob come on!” The bassist grabs the blanket and pulls it away, before he grabs the struggling drummer and pulls him into his arms.

“I know Rob, I know! But we can´t leave you today. We can´t, we won´t let you miss this. It will help. Please Rob, please! It is time you come back to us! We need you!” Phe urgently tells the drummer, who still struggles against the strong hold.

“Please Rob! Phe is right, we need you today!” Rob stops struggling and looks up. For the first time noticing that his bedroom is no longer empty. His whole band is there. All dressed in black. No not his whole band…he is missing. He won´t come back. There is a void. His eyes water and the tears spill over as he buries himself into Phes embrance. The bed beside him dips as Mike joins his bandmates.

“We know it is hard, but we need to do this. We´re in this together. We will get through this!” The emcee tells, but everyone can hear the doubt in his voice.

Rob looks up and lets his eyes roam the room. Mike beside him with tired and empty eyes, no sign of the famous Shinoda grin. Phe with closed eyes, with an endless stream of tears on his cheeks. Joe, also crying with Brad in his arms who seems to be sobbing heavily.

Yes, we are in this together, the drummer thinks. But he isn´t sure if he can face up to a day with everybody staring at him. A day seeing everybody in their life’s, struggling with this big loss. A day where he will have to see his kids, which he so dearly loved. To face a day which will make it even more real. He just wants to go back under his blanket and forget the cruel world around him. But that isn´t a solution, or is it? His mind struggles to stay focused, it would be so much easier to just shut everything and everybody out. Mike seems to sense the drummers inner struggle.

“Please Rob, please stay with us. I know it is hard, but we don´t want to lose you, too!” Rob looks into Mikes eyes and forces his mind to stay with his friends. He gets up and gets himself ready for the funeral. The whole time there is an uneasiness in the room. Everybody is still battling with the loss, everyone in their own way. But Mike is right, Rob thinks, we´re in this together.

As they arrive and Rob sees the set up including a drum set, he begins to panic. He knows he won´t be able to play. He just can´t.

As the car door opens he can´t move a muscle. Phe turns around and sees the panic stricken face of their drummer.

“Don´t panic Rob, you don´t need to play. You don´t have to do anything. Just be here with us.” He says before he envelopes the drummer in a hug. Taking a deep breath Rob tries to calm down. Slowly he gets up and gets out of the car.

The rest of the service Rob´s mind struggles between staying focused and not panicking. Somehow he is being pulled up and suddenly he finds himself behind the drums. Someone puts sticks in to his hands. He grips them tightly, feeling himself playing along to what his ears register.

Tears streaming down his face and his mind wants him to just get up and run. Everybody is watching, everybody is staring. Hundreds of eyes following his every move, seeing his tears. He doesn´t know how he ended up here behind the drums. He doesn´t want to. As the song ends, his body is racking with sobs. He can´t move, but his mind is screaming to run, he feels betrayed and ashamed. Someone is there and pulls him up and leads him away. They stop and he feels himself being hugged.

“It´s okay Rob, you did good. Everything is alright now.” Phe whispers into his ear as he holds him. Rob sobs. He wants to push Phe away, he wants to be angry. Why did he had to play? They promised he didn´t need to. But he just can´t find the strength. As he opens his eyes, he realizes that again hundreds of eyes are staring at them. They all see him there, they all see his tears, they all see his pain. He begins to panic again. He wants to hide, he wants to go back home, this is all too much.

“Please take me home Phe, please.” He whimpers.

“Yeah, right after the wake.” The bass player answers

“No, please Phe, I can´t. They are all watching, take me home, please take me home.” Rob desperately pleads. Wordlessly he is being led back to the car. As he takes his place he exhales and closes his eyes. The tears never stopping. The bass player takes him in his arms and tries to console the drummer, even though he is struggling himself.

The car stops and Rob looks up. Once again panic settling in his stomach. They´re not at his house, they´re at Mikes. They´re here for the wake. He sobs, beside the dark and empty void in his heart, that is there since the day he left, there is now an evil screaming monster of betrayal. He doesn´t want to be here he doesn´t know why they keep pushing. He is way beyond his limits. He refuses to leave the car. Phe and Joe try to pull him out.

“NO!” he screams, but they won´t let loose

“Come on Rob, please, we need you there.”

“NO! I can´t! Please don´t make me!”

“We´re in this together. Come Rob, it is time to stop the hiding.”

“Please, no!” He struggles, but can´t defend himself against his two friends. They keep pushing and dragging until they make it inside. Mike is there, Brads sitting on the couch staring straight ahead. He doesn´t seem to acknowledge anything that is going on around him. Rob is given a glass of water as he is gently being pushed down next to Brad.

He drinks the water, trying not to spill to much. His hands are shaking so bad. He wants to scream, he wants to run, but he can´t seem to get his body into action. More people arrive. He feels their eyes on him. He doesn´t like the feeling, it feels suffocating. He buries his head in his hands, trying to calm his breathing. And suddenly it works, his shaking hands stop. His mind becomes numb, his breathing slows. His nerves calm down, everything fades, there is a numbing feeling crawling all over his body and mind. It is unsettling, but his mind is too foggy to care. He leans back in the couch and stare absently at the wall in front of him. The rest fades into the background. Something is not right.

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Rob wakes up in his bed. He feels nauseous. As he gets up his stomach revolts and he runs to his bathroom, just to make it in time before he violently pukes his guts out. His head his hammering and he feels like he has a hangover. But he didn´t drink or did he? He tries to recall yesterday. The memory of the funeral and the wake hitting the drummer full force and he crumbles down on the bathroom floor sobbing. He didn´t drink. But why does it feel like he has? He only remembers the water; the water Mike gave him.

Rob tries to sit up. But his hands, his whole body is shaking. He can´t remember a thing after the water. Was it even water? They wouldn´t give him alcohol, would they? Not after all the work he put into to stay sober. But they also made him play and they also forced him to go to the wake. Rob sobs. This can´t be. Why did they do that? Why? He feels betrayed, he feels lonely, he feels cold. Suddenly there is a dark evil voice in Robs head. Hissing out an evil thought. Maybe it wasn´t only water. Maybe there was something else in it?

Rob is hit with a wave of emotions. He feels sad, he feels lost, he is scared but most of all he feels betrayed. And the dark void in his heart seems to be getting bigger and bigger. Lying in his bathroom, his whole body shaking with sobs. But nobody is there to hold him. For the first time in his life his friends aren´t there to hold him, there aren´t there to keep him safe.

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Hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think :)

Hattu