Category Linkin Park

Inside Myself by ValentineShinoda


My world fell apart on the morning of July 20th I know this sounds like something that everyone else that known him would say but the truth is his presence is what made me be able to stand myself. He was the one that brought me out of my cage like head when anyone else could. When he passed I went back to my old ways, I let my thoughts take over, all my smiles are fake, eating is like a chore, sleep never comes without doing a lot of things. This only lasts for a little while my therapist says, my therapist also says that I won’t get better without medication. Doctors say that I am feelings this way because I made a choice to. That was the day that I picked up the therapist’s notebook and wrote,

“Feeling this way wasn’t my choice, my mind loves holding everything that I done wrong against me. I didn’t choose to fake every smile that I have smiled today, a real one just can’t can’t come to my lips. I guess that I decided to make eating difficult because all my problems are my choices. Sleep doesn’t come because I am not taking my medications.

I am taking all my medications on time and doing everything right in your eyes but everyone’s eyes everything is different, please think about this.”

I never signed my name at the bottom because I didn’t feel like it right now. I felt the therapist’s stare so much that I left the room without looking at the person scanned through my words that were written in the blue fountain pan that he had on his desk and the notebook that he had on his desk. He had the notebook open with a pen close by just in case I said something so out of the blue that he had to put in on file but when he said put it on file I know he meant show the things that I said to his coworkers and laugh. I can hear his laugh now just teasing the person that could hear him but little did he know that everyone that walked through the door felt like he was just going to laugh about the words that they said later. Nobody told him because they knew he would tell his coworkers that people know that they talk about people that come. Only a handful of people knew this because everyone else thought that this thought is a lie.

In the studio today I played the same piano part twice in the same song, I smiled fake smiles and I never ate with the guys in the band. They clearly notice a change in me because of medication that I have never taken since I met Chester. The pills took my personality away so it is my responsibility to take the role of myself on because my medication takes it away from me over and over.

In the middle of the session I called Anna from the bathroom crying because I can’t play a piano part I knew by heart, I told her that I felt like I was failing the guys just because I can’t get my mind to play a piano part I played a million times.

Today I felt so weak that I couldn’t get out of bed and I didn’t because every time I tried to get out of bed I felt weird. I stayed in bed for a few hours then stumbled into my home studio. I sat down in the chair for a bit then I stood up and held onto my keyboard for support because I have gotten so thin that I am literally almost falling every time I stand but I am choosing to feel this way, I don’t believe this lie because if I chose to feel this way what am I thinking. If I chose this I am just asking for attention but I feel this way because I have no choice. To stop feeling this way I am just supposed to think happy thoughts and throw the razors away and smile a real smile for once instead faking smiles like an attention seeker. What is an attention seeker then a person that does things for attention but what would you do if the once person that made you whole passed. I know my best friends and band mates feel similar but they grieved the way that is normal and accepted the facts of the situation while I got the bullying on social media. When I said bullied I mean that they told me that trying to be happy is a heartless move. Trying to act human is an act that is so hard for me but I am called out if I do one thing wrong while mistakes are supposed to be times of learning but my mistakes are ways for people to laugh.

I am supposed to just forget the feelings that I have and just move on with life as if nothing happened like a heartless person. What if I lost who I was because I wasn’t myself without him on earth. I was told asked before what would Chester think of ow I was taking this and I said,

“If Chester seen how I was struggling he wouldn’t tell me that it wasn’t my choice because he knows how I feel. He would tell me that I am not alone not tell me that I just need to pretend that my life hasn’t fell apart. He would be the one to not tell me to think happy thoughts he would make me laugh, He would put away my razors and take care of every cut I made that night. He wouldn’t tell me lies just to make me just fall deeper. He would be proud of me for making it this far. He would support me and I would thank him. I can’t even talk to him now because his demons took him down, my demons are constantly fighting me and I am still on earth I think he would be proud.”

The person asking me just gave me a piece of paper with a medication on it, I walked out of the room and went to the drug store and got the chemicals that will apparently make me feel better. The therapists just want to numb on medications so I can't do all those things that make me fall. Just to have another "Success" story instead of a long complicated story. I just cannot be fixed

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