LPfiction

Category Linkin Park

Depersonalized by malaiyas

Control

This is just a quick look at the effects of depersonalization. I’ve struggled with it since I was 16 and have never been able to explain how it feels. Here’s a drabble trying to capture it. Thanks for looking. x

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It hits you suddenly.


You’re mid-conversation when the world around you is abruptly hazy and obscure. You try to focus on Brad’s face, try to hear what he’s saying. His words are drowned out by the swift-striking sensation that this world doesn’t exist beyond the parameters of your own mind.


The air feels fake. You inhale, but you don’t feel the breath in your lungs.


Inexplicable heat overtakes you. Your hands curl into fists. You are tense all over. Without warning, you’re suddenly fighting to stay within yourself – fighting to just be. Maintaining a certain amount of rigidity feels like the only way to accomplish such a feat. One wrong move, and you’re afraid you’ll leave your body where it sits, an empty shell.


Your actions feel autonomous. You’re no longer in control. Your thoughts are not your own. Your body is not yours. You are not you.


You can’t distinguish whether this moment is real or a dream. Lucidity is suddenly a foreign concept. Your sense of self, along with your perception of the world, is relinquished entirely. You fear you’ll never get that back, that you’ll never take ownership of yourself again.


Your heart has started to sprint towards a finish line that hasn’t yet been determined. You’re thankful that you’re sitting, because the sudden weakness that has situated itself in your legs lets you know you’d be on the floor otherwise. You gasp involuntarily, close your eyes, and the breath seems to center you.


Brad notices. He stops speaking, only just made aware that you haven’t really been here for much of your conversation.


“You alright, Mike?” he asks, and you nod your head.


“Yeah,” you say, and you mean it. The episode has ended just as quickly as it began.


Brad picks up where he left off, and you settle back into the comfort of yourself. The clouds clear from your head, reintroducing you to reality, reestablishing your existence in this world.


You are in control. You are you.


Until next time.

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