Category Linkin Park

How I really feel... by ValentineShinoda


It has been five months since Chester passed and every day is more difficult because I can’t think of life without him and I have been living without him for five months now. I have been crying at things that I haven’t really before, leaving the jelly bean jar untouched because he ate all of them but green ones. He left all the green ones because they were his least favorite. We were working on a project the day before he passed and that morning I got a bowl from the kitchen and put the new jelly beans in it and the bowl is still in the bottom corner of the vocal booth is empty because I had the remainder of the jelly beans while sobbing in the vocal booth five months ago. I still hate myself for sobbing in the vocal booth but maybe that was what I needed and he was trying to send me a message of why but the reason why is an answer that isn’t simple. I could have been something I said or something I’ve done that made him feel this way or maybe there was an answer from him in the song that I wrote about looking for an answer. I have painted many painting without thinking, just doing them to heal. I never healed one bit but at least I tried. I still have all the band’s instruments in my studio. The vocal booth door is still open a crack. It is December, five days till Christmas and the man that loved to bring family together was no longer on earth. He was talking about Christmas in May, I wished that I payed more attention then but I remembered that I jokingly told him to email me. This was the time I pulled out my phone and checked my email and the email was right on top. I opened it and went to the store and got all the things that he would’ve bought in early December. This was what he wanted to do for Christmas this year and he was giving me the sign he wants me to do this in his honor, I will do anything to make him proud because he was my best friend and always will be. I just want him to know that he is not going to be forgotten and never will be.

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