Category Linkin Park

Time Cannot Heal Me by Cyanide_Caution

Time Cannot Heal Me

Too much time has passed, too soon to try and mend wounds which cannot be mended. Every morning you wake you come to the realization that he’s gone, still. Snapping you back into the seat of life you’re not ready for. A small piece, a weak fragment of your heart hopes when you wake he’ll be there. He’d be alive and it was only a dark nightmare your brain had set into play while you dreamed, texting you to see if you wanna go to lunch or work on fresh ideas in the studio or life would be normalized that maybe the pressure off your chest would release you from it’s breaking grasp. The thing about losing others is no matter how many people you’ve lost certain people leave stronger feelings on you. You cannot brace yourself, no matter how many scenarios you set or thoughts you’ve only thought of in the dark. It hurts; like punches to the gut, repeating blows before you can process, making your legs weak and your heart hurt. Like scorching flames kissing your insides and making your headspin in dizzy rotations. You try not to think about it, about him. You even ignore the band for now, all of you do. No one blames you, it’s harder now more than ever. Everyone takes a reluctant but healthy step back, to focus more on their home lives, kiss their children more and love their wives a little harder. It’s clinging to anything to make the hurt less horrid. You focus on Anna and Otis, grounding yourself physically and mentally. It’s easier when the hurt comes in waves on beaches instead of tsunamis. Time is suppose to heal all wounds, but you don’t think it will heal yours.

A new activity you’ve picked up is late night walks, you never use to before but the City of Angels never sleeps and apparently neither can you. The wind is always warm, a mild breeze on your face, making you smell the city in every store you pass. All the shops and eateries you both spent time in, making memories, midnight walks during those precious hybrid theory days; both of you far too happy and joyful, staggering your way back from bars, his thin tattooed arm thrown over your shoulder for support, while your arm held firmly around his warm waist. You remember as you walk through the dirt paths of the park the first time you realized you loved him, so much more than you could be able to comprehend. Cigarette shoved between his slim, soft lips, a bright orange glow reflecting off his features in the dark, you didn’t like him smoking but tonight it was different. Both you and Chester sat at a dirty bench in the area, old, creaking wood supporting both your weights. Sitting so close your knees touch and shoulders bump. You smell the acrid, gray swirls of smoke escape his lips as he tells you something Joe told him last week that made him laugh. You find that joy and youthfulness in his eyes as he recalls the humorous joke, both of you laughing. Jokes were exchanged for some time. Only after the cigarette was finally extinguished under Chester’s boot, you realized the growing silence. The only source of light was a park light which glowed a dull yellow, casting various shadows over the both of you, He looked beautiful, like an angel. Dyed blonde spikes looking golden in the faint light above. The closeness between bodies became noticeable, you believe in that moment a lot did.

“I feel happy.” He stated a half smile working its way unto his face, leaning back on the bench more, sliding himself into a lazy and comfortable position. You watch him before letting out your own smile, ignoring the kisses of color coming to your cheeks. “Yeah?” You ask slightly surprised as you quirk a brow at him, fixing yourself into a similar fashion, all the while watching his eyes closed behind his glasses. He nods, slowly, alcohol fresh in his system not making its way through just yet. “Yeah man!” Chester confirms optimistically, his smile is wider and he shifts slightly, looking at you with those dazzling, big, brown eyes. You feel yourself sink into them, unwilling to run away from the intense gaze. “Moving here and doing what we do is the most fun I’ve probably had in like…forever.” He pauses at the end of the sentence, gesturing absently with one of his hands until the word comes to him. Your smile never ceases as you chuckle warmly, he follows suit. “Honestly Chaz having you here is the most fun I’ve ever had in a long time. It’s always nice to talk with you and meeting you have really made an impact on me…and the band!” Maybe your words are partially slurred and perhaps too many emotions were coming into play, saving yourself with the last part. His smile is softer, maybe the alcohol is to blame but you swear you see his cheeks, ears and neck touch into pale pink tones. “Thank you Mikey.” It’s genuine, laced with something else you couldn’t figure out. He looks so soft, you desperately wanna kiss him, just once. You wanna feel Chester’s hands on your skin and act on things you’ve tried to ignore. The closeness is recognized again, deciding to move yourself away playing your cards right for now. Chester realizes what you’re doing and before you know it a hand stops your own and just like that you feel frozen.

He slowly sits up more, looking more timid and nervous than you feel. “Mike,” The blonde haired man starts, much softer than earlier. “Can I try something?” Your heart pumps faster, making your head rush and your palms damp. Your blush is probably recognizable now, even past the shadows and dull light fixture. He knows. “Y-Yeah…” You confirm just as silent as he sounded. Chester nods, shifting closer to you. Panic and excitement spark through you like a circuit board, his eyes are wild, nervous. You grip his thin hand in yours gently, a silent reassurance. He looks more bold now, leaning in so close to you, breaths mingle; the smell of cheap smokes and alcohol float from the both of you. Chester leans in the rest of the way, slowly tilting his head as your lips meet, it’s a shy exchange of love. You kiss back gently, feeling both of your fingers lacing while his other hand rest on your chest, your hands sit on the fabric of his hoodie covering his shoulders. Giving soft squeezes as you feel him relax. It ends too quickly for you and him. The singer pulls away cautiously, shifting back to the other end of the cramped space. “Thank you.” Voice faint as it leaves his lips. You only nod, wanting of him now more than ever. Your skin itches for Chester Bennington, his body and his grace. Leaning towards him you repeat his own question back to him. “Can I try something Chaz?” Your voice is warm and stronger this time, a lion waking from its slumber, ready to let out a mighty roar. He’s cute when he’s caught off guard, more open and expressive. “Please.” Chester’s voice is more bold, lacing with gingerly handled notes as you cup his face, bringing your kiss back into full fledged warmth. His eyelids flutter shut and your eyes soon follow. The kiss is deeper this time, warmer than the summer and more sacred than tombs. Only you both will know, only you both.

The bench is newer and colder now when your eyes open, chocolate eyes taking in the scene before you. The overhead light is now bright white, better taken care of compared to seventeen years ago. You’re tired, checking your phone it is now 4:16am. Your body feels the push and sway of memories you weren’t expecting, snatching your energy away with it’s fading time. You feel like he’s watching you, maybe he is. Endlessly putting others before himself even in death his spirit won’t rest to lend a hand. Standing slowly you feel your back pop, letting out a soft grunt as you start your way back home, your legs aimlessly guiding you. Giving one last glance back at that bench you swear you see him. A younger him; all blonde hair and lip piercing, too big clothes and boyish features. He’s staring at you, smiling that grin that made you weak so many moons ago. You blink a few times and there’s no one, once again another piece is deflated and falling away as you see nothing but the air. It says time heals all wounds but you don’t think it can heal yours. You don’t think it ever will.

Add review