Hello. I'm back with a new story. I don't know why since I said I'll probably never write anything again. I decided I couldn't do that, my fingers were itching so yeah. This story does not contain slash or anything that one of MY stories would include. I decided to get serious from here.

Disclaimer : I own no one.

Four years it's been since I left the band. Four years since I lost him. It was my fault, all my fault. I'm Chester Bennington, an alcoholic, and this is my story.

I had everything a man could ask for, I was successful, wealthy, I was in love with another man who happened to be the most beautiful creature to walk into my life. But note how I put success and money before him. I loved him dearly but I loved my money even more. Sometimes I wonder how our relationship lasted for so long, how he would put up with anything I did, how caring he was towards me, how he let me abuse his feelings every single fucking day and still had that dashing smile etched on his face. He loved me unconditionally and I… I hurt him more than anyone could imagine. When his love for me crumbled inside him, I myself was destroyed.

I knew I had crossed the line days after I did what I did. I didn't mean to I swear, but I was young, the power I had made me crave for more, I was drunk by it, drugged up and I couldn't help myself when someone offered me big time money to let them have Mike for one night.

I was reluctant at first, I know I should have refused to do such thing, should have locked the guy up or kill him for even DARING to ask me something like that. But I didn't do any of this. Instead I watched him tie Mike up on the headboard of our bed and take him like there was no tomorrow. I was sitting right there across them in the dark, doing absolutely nothing but drinking Jack in a cracked glass thinking that someone else inside my lover was making me painfully hard.

Chester put the pen down and gritted his teeth; his left hand clutching at his chest as tears started making their way down his face. He grabbed his head and sobbed angrily, a fist slamming onto the wooden desk. He just had been released from rehab. A trip to the hospital and an announcement that his liver was not working properly and could kill him in a matter of weeks unless he gave up on drinking shook him. Shook him but never motivated him. Chester wanted to die, he thought it'd be better for everyone if he did, he wanted to escape these feelings the easy way out.

But no. He told himself that after what he's done, he deserved to be punished, deserved to hurt much like Mike.

He sniffled a couple of times, a shaky hand taking the pen between his fingers.

What a monster I am.

I still remember how , after it was all over, Mike was curled up into a ball looking with broken eyes the dark figure that was my body. He knew I was there even though I never told him, he somehow tortured me with his stare as I witnessed his faith shattering into pieces. It made my chest tighten, made me uncomfortable in a way I could never describe. The man turned and looked at me right then and said this: ''Tight''. Mike's sobs pierced into my soul like glass, each leaving a bloody trail behind that would be forever there.

He threw a dozen packs of dollars on Mike's broken body and left without so much as a goodbye. How rude I thought back then. I was not sane, I was not a person. You're probably wondering why I'm writing these down. Well, I figured there's nothing better to do since I'm aching for a drink and that would take my mind off of it for some time. Cigarettes work as well, but writing has always been my passion.

I will not rant about myself, I will not do that as appealing as it may is. This is about Mike and my punishment.

So. After that night, Mike was distant. He would lock himself up in the bathroom and wouldn't come out for long hours. I was damn confused, I would yell at him through the door and then go downstairs and down a bottle of vodka. I'm pretty sure Mike was coming out of the bathroom when I lay wasted on our leather couch, completely spent and confused as to what I have done wrong. Now that I look back I want to shoot myself right here, right now.

Several days had passed, I had only seen Mike a couple of times but I was too wasted to ask him what was wrong. Mike was cowering away from me in our own house. As soon as he'd saw me coming back home from whatever filthy bar I was puking my guts out, he'd go back into the bathroom. I thought ''We are rich, what the fuck does he want?''.

I have to tell you, I didn't like being confused, I even felt hurt.

Who, ME.

One rainy night, I snapped.

I went upstairs and knocked the bathroom door down. I heard Mike gasp and saw what he was doing. All over the small room there were painted sentences reading ''I hate you''.

I didn't get it.

I reached out for him and tried to speak calmly but a roar came out instead, making Mike back away and topple on the floor. I wasn't fazed, not at all. I dragged him out of there hearing him screaming ''No, no please leave me alone!'' or something along those lines. I had no such intentions though. I needed answers so I just threw him on the bed and started pacing in front of him grabbing my head, yelling ''What the fuck do you want?!''

His stare is embedded deep inside me even at this day. Wet eyes wide as saucers met mine and the red spill on them told me something that he could never say with words. Hate, disgust towards me. It freaked me the fuck out even scared me and I was NEVER scared of anything. I didn't know what to do so I just slapped him and watched as tears formed in his beautiful eyes. I couldn't help myself but become aroused at his fragile state. So I just pounced.

I kissed him hotly, ravishing that perfect mouth as I often did and laid myself between his legs jerking my entire weight upwards to make him feel how excited I was.

I definitely was surprised when he kissed me back shyly and let out a quiet whimper. I pulled away and took a long look at him. My fingers reached out and caressed his puffy cheek.

He frowned and right then I didn't know what hit me.

It took me a while to comprehend that Mike had both slapped me and kneed my crotch.

He packed up some things and left the house just when everything settled inside me. There I was curled up into a ball holding my aching groin and making the biggest mistake of my life.

Letting him go.

I found out a couple of days ago that he was living with Brad. I wanted him back, but how can you tell someone that you want them back when you used them to earn money? And not a harmless using, I practically let someone rape him and making him feel like a whore. But I know who's the real whore, the real fuck up.

Chester sighed deeply and slowly blinked, like he was so exhausted he couldn't even move his eyelids. He was drained, he used to be energetic, alive, but now he felt old, spent.

His chapped lips curled around the cigarette he was holding and took a long drag from it, letting the comforting smoke linger in the room like a ghost.

He clutched the pen tighter and continued.

I left the band while we were in the midst of finishing our new album. No one called me to ask why when they received my e mail. They probably hate me for ruining their longest and most beloved friend. But that was the least of my problems. When I finally realized what I've done, I started downing even 4 bottles a day, I sniffed coke from time to time as well, I didn't care about anything or anyone. And the decay continued. My ex wife took all my parental rights away and I certainly don't blame her, I was a danger to everyone, a walking hazard.

I came close to death lots of times, my father the only person worrying about my well being. He was the one who forced me to see a therapist and finally put me into rehab. I kept relapsing and relapsing. I got released for the third time in two years just yesterday.

I always wondered what Mike has gone through if I almost died a couple of times. I was considered the strong one, the one who could make it through anything without anyone's help, but I was not. I lost myself many years ago and now I'm determined to bring Chester back. The real one.

So I took my first step. I never really apologized to Mike because I never got the chance. I called him. A few hours ago. I heard his voice and swallowed hard being silent for a few moments to realize that it was really happening. But his voice cracked when I spoke up. It made my heart split in two. I told him I wanted to meet him and to my great surprise he agreed. I never wanted to beg him to come back, you can't just walk into someone's life you ruined so long ago and fuck it up all over again. I just wanted him to KNOW how deeply I regretted it and how much I loved him and and and…

I wanted to get yelled at, slapped around and finally being left there with a broken smile on my face. Then and only then I'd be able to move on and find the real me. Don't feel sorry for me, just pity me like the monster I am, I have no excuse.

I could keep ranting about how fucked up I am, but I have something to attend to. The moment I've been waiting for.

***

He looked himself in the mirror studying his tired eyes and trying to fix his grown hair. But he couldn't fix what can't be fixed. Those bags under his eyes spoke a million words. He wondered when his face got so wrinkled. He was only 34 and yet he looked 40.

The only good thing was that his body had grown buff because they made them work out 2 hours a day at rehab and Chester got addicted to it. He started working out like mad for 5 or even 6 hours. He sometimes stayed up all night in his small room doing push-ups. Like the sweat was cleansing his dirty soul.

His reflection was killing him inside. He could see nothing more than a worn out man, doomed to walk around in circles for his whole life. But the glimmer of hope was still there, the Chester everyone knew and loved was trying to break through the glass and Chester had a feeling he'd achieve it with a little help and a lot of time.

He tried to smile a little but his face was kept, as straight as ever.

It was just too soon.

He rolled his sleeves up, revealing the blue fire traveling up his wrists. He was momentarily transfixed by the faded colors; the tattoo being almost 10 years old now. Even tattoos can't beat time.

He swallowed and went over to his bed sitting carefully at the end of it. Face hidden in his palms, fingers holding up a cigarette for dear life, he tried to calm down. Panic rising within. What would he say, how would the words come after everything that's happened? It's been so long.

So. Fucking. Long.

He glanced at the clock. Soon, he thought.

They would meet up on the beach, where they made love for the very first time.

Mike was shivering, the spring night was chilly and he had forgotten to bring a jacket with him.

''Are you cold? We can go home and hang out if you like.'' Chester eyed him, worried.

Mike just smiled at him, his eyes glittering in the white light the huge lamp above them casted. ''It's okay.'' He simply said and Chester couldn't contain a sigh along with an intense stare of pure adoration.

Chester scooted closer to him and carefully wrapped a hand around his waist still looking into those noble eyes. Mike suppressed a smile and bowed his head blood rushing to his cheeks.

''Mike…'' The older man said and reached out, fingers brushing against his goatee and lifting his chin just to be able to look deep into those eyes again; his soul spread out in front of him but only for him to see.

His eyes dropped to Mike's lips as they parted to let out a tiny sigh.

Chester felt his heart thumping wildly in love and wanting to kiss those soft and plush lips more than anything. He opened his mouth and spoke those next words softly and barely above a whisper. Words that would change his and Mike's life forever.

''Do you wanna be with me?''

Mike's eyes sparkled at that moment, wind ruffling his spikes, softly. Chester swore back then that he may have witnessed the most beautiful sight in his entire life.

A brief nod was all he needed to lean in closer to this gorgeous face and feel his breath coming out in short puffs, hitting his lips.

He wrapped his other hand around Mike's front wanting to feel that frail body against his and warm him to the bone.

Mike tilted his head to the side, his eyes sliding shut as their lips molded together in soft experimental moves, tingling sensations all over their bodies.

They pulled apart, gazing into each other's eyes, drunk with love with one single kiss.

Chester leaned in again and pecked his lips, briefly brushing his nose against Mike's.

The young man sighed and ran his tongue over his lower lip and Chester pecked him again keeping his face intimately close.

Mike shyly wrapped his arms around his new lover's neck as a second kiss began, this time a little more heated.

Chester parted Mike's lips with his tongue, breath hitching in his throat as soon as Mike opened up to him and allowed to explore his mouth in such a way that he began moving his own tongue as well.

A small 'umf' was heard from Mike's part and Chester held him tighter, closer to his heart beats.

Chester smiled.

***

Hands stuffed in his pockets he walked down the sandy beach, the breeze bringing back memories, the happy ones. The sun was on the verge of disappearing in the sea a light orange spreading all over the area.

He sat down, a huge rock on his left being the meet up point. He figured that if he arrived early, he'd have time to think and calm himself down.

He picked up a small branch and started dragging it along the sand, drawing random lines and shapes.

''Find me here. And speak to me…'' He sang whispering, his voice coming out cracked from being unused.

''I want to feel you… I need to hear you…'' Lower lip quivering, he bit on it and kept going. He wasn't going to cry.

''You are the light, that's leading me, to the place, where I find peace. Again.''

His and Mike's song.

Even though he was overwhelmed with emotions, not a single tear left him, his inner self deciding to not let Mike see him like this.

He bent his knees and rested his arms on top gazing out into the ocean, this song replaying again and again.

''You calm the storms and you give me rest.'' Singing again made him feel happy, an emotion that was long forgotten and seemingly far-fetched. Since he left the band he quit singing as well. He couldn't find the courage anymore.

''You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fold.''

Chester's heart jumped as he heard that silky voice. He stumbled to his feet and looked.

There he was.

Mike.

It seemed surreal. Chester wanted to reach out and touch him to see if he would disappear but he decided against it in case that was MIKE.

He had changed so much.

His hair was no longer spiked instead it was long reaching the base of his neck but still coal black. Fringes falling on either side of his face and several hairs curling upwards. And all this accompanied with a beard and a mustache. Small goatee gone.

His eyes wandered over Mike's lips, his cheek and finally rested on his eyes.

The eyes he could once see right through they were now shielded, his soul no longer exposed. No emotion, no glint, no nothing.

Chester also noticed faint wrinkles at the corners of his eyes.

He never thought he would live long enough to see that. Mike's baby face growing old.

But it was there just a foot across him.

He couldn't deny how unbelievably gorgeous he still was.

''Mike…'' He found himself blurting out.

Mike pierced him with his eyes. Once innocent brown pools now looked abused and broken.

''I hate you.'' He spoke, quickly looking away bitterly.

''I'm sorry.'' Chester said, but cringed once the words were out.

''You abused me. Sold me. How can you say you're sorry?''

Mike looked up at him again and Chester's heart shuttered into a million pieces when he saw tears.

''Mike… I…'' He choked, his own eyes watering at the sight of his love sobbing.

He decided to be brave and reached out for Mike taking him in his arms.

Disgusted, Mike pushed him away with all his might.

''Don't… touch me.'' He said between sobs.

Misery crept on Chester again. What had he done?

''Mike please let me tell you some things.''

''Go ahead then. I can't wait to hear.'' He said sarcastically pressing his fingers against his eyelids.

''I love you Mike. I have always loved you. I know this may sound pathetic, but I do. I could die for you. Tell me to jump off of a cliff and I'll do it, tell me to rip my chest open and give my heart to you and I WILL do it.'' He said desperately reaching out for Mike again.

He carefully placed his hands on Mike's small shoulders and squeezed him.

''Chester! Don't fucking TOUCH me.'' He spoke loudly and jerked away, looking at him with wide eyes.

''Mike, I'm a monster, I know, I don't ask for anything, I just want you to know how deeply sorry I am, I have no excuses, I deserve your hate, but PLEASE just… let me hold you for a while. I can't bear to see you cry.'' He sniffled looking at Mike's break down as it unfolded in front of him. Hands wrapped around himself and shaking.

''Do you have ANY idea what I've been through?'' He whispered this time, gasping all the while. ''I was depressed, suicidal, numb. I lost the band, my whole life. And why? Because of you… God only knew how much I loved you, god only knew… You killed me Chester, do you understand? You fucked up everything.'' He sobbed and hid his face in his palms.

''God, Mike. You have to believe me, I was young, I didn't know what I was doing, but I still loved you unconditionally baby, I still do. Now and forever.''

''Don't call me that, I'm not your baby.''

Chester hang his head and couldn't hold back the tears pouring from his eyes.

''Mike…'' He said softly, the sun now gone for good leaving a dark veil fall over the beach and making the air chillier. ''Let me… hold you. For one last time.''

Mike looked up at him brushing a tress of hair away from his mouth.

Chester didn't wait for him to say yes or no, he slid his hands on his waist and hugged him tightly feeling Mike's own hands shyly creeping up his back.

He kept sobbing into his shoulder and Chester buried his face in his neck and inhaled the aroma that was all Mike.

A tear left him.

''How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you.'' He said somberly.

''Chester, please…''

''Would you tell me how could it be any better than this.'' He continued clutching onto Mike for dear life.

Mike sobbed harder.

''You're everything Mike, you're everything, everything.''

Mike pulled away and pushed on Chester's chest to let him go.

''The part of me that loved you died a long time ago.''

Chester blinked lazily, his eyes swollen and keeping a straight face spoke.

''I don't love you partly. I love you with my entire existence. If I let my love for you die, I'd be gone with it.''

Mike stood there mimicking Chester's expression, hiccupping from time to time.

His eyes sparkled in the moonlight, hair being caressed by the light breeze.

A déjà vu, Chester thought. Beauty in its rarest form.

''I wish I could travel back in time. This way we'd be together right now. So many things would have been different.''

Mike stared at him, silently mourning the loss of this ''everything''.

''The most depressing thing about that is that you cannot.'' He whispered and backed away inhaling sharply.

''Mike… wait. Please don't go.'' He extended his hand looking at him desperately.

He dropped down to his knees letting out a heart wrenching cry.

Mike kept on walking away, grieving the end.

End.

Song by Lifehouse called ''Everything. Story was inspired by songs of ''The Fray'' called 'Happiness', 'Uncertainty', 'Fair Fight'. They fit the story so check em out if you like.

~Pinky