for the one and only awesomesauce trash <3333

Hold Up A Light

It's pretty much like they all say. It's pretty much the blind leading the blind. Only, not literally, Rob thinks to himself, because he has twenty twenty vision and Chester, well he got these crazy lasers beamed into his eyes and now he can see perfectly. But when Mike explained what the expression meant, well, Rob, he pretty much had to agree.

"Rob, you don't even know how to cook a simple meal," Mike said in the hospital. The hospital where Chester was strung up in bed, attached to wires and tubes and Rob's hand which was laced around his wrist.

"I can do Pop Tarts," Rob replied indignantly, quite offended by Mike's comments. What did he mean? What did they all mean when they said Rob couldn't look after a snail for thirty minutes without it coming into some immediate danger?

"That's, that's just my point," Mike sighed, but he was smiling and Rob took that to be a good thing.

"So, I can have him? I can have him stay with me? Because, honestly, he won't go near Brad and I'm not sure if any of you have those special brushed cotton sheets he likes. Do you have brushed cotton bed sheets?"

Mike sighed and shook his head.

Rob smiled, "Do you have Pop Tarts?"

"No..."

"Then I think I'm the most suitable candidate."

Mike shook his head, "this is going to be like the blind leading the blind," he muttered.

+

Chester didn't mean to take the overdose. He didn't mean to take twenty-seven painkillers and wash them down with four Bud Lights and three shots of Tequila. It just happened. But none of the others, not even Mike, they won't believe Chester and that makes Rob unhappy.

Chester's here, lying in a hospital bed, but now without the wires and tubes and he's got his own clothes on, not that itchy paper gown. And he looks so pale and weak and the Doctor, even Rob can tell, he's not keen on discharging him just yet. But Rob, he's got all Chester's favourite foods in; Pop Tarts, Doritos, full sugar Pepsi and a box of Lucky Charms which Rob would not buy for just anyone.

None of the others are here, it's just Rob. And he's watching the Doctor wearily. The Doctor's creeping around the bed, checking the cuts on Chester's wrists. Apparently the medics did these to inject special healing fluids into Chester. Rob doesn't understand why Mike and Brad lied to him and said that Chester had cut himself there. Why would anyone do that to themselves? The thought makes Rob want to laugh but the Doctor looks so stern and serious, and like he might strangle Rob with his stethoscope should he even smile.

"Okay Chester," The Doctor breathes out as he says this and Rob watches the papers on the clipboard beside him rise up. "You're free to go..."

Rob smiles and gets up from his seat.

"... But you need to take care of the cuts, changing those bandages at least once a day."

The Doctor leaves and Rob can't help but smile even more, walking over to where Chester's sat up in the middle of the bed. Rob's smile soon disappears though. Chester looks so sad. Chester has tears trickling down his cheeks. Rob doesn't understand. He thought Chester wanted to leave this place. He thought Chester wanted to come and stay with him. Rob has rented out Chester's favourite films and everything.

"Chester?" Rob whispers, "Chester, what's wrong?"

Chester, he looks up, blinking away the tears, "nothing," he shakes his head, "I'm fine. Everything's going to be fine."

Rob nods, then he remembers Brad and Mike, and what they said and Rob slips his hand into Chester's and squeezes it, "I'm going to take good care of you Chester," He smiles.

+

Rob looks around the kitchen. He knows it looks pretty messy but doesn't know where to even begin to get it clean again. He wipes his flour-covered hands down the front of his apron and scratches his head. There's pans and plates and half opened boxes of Pop Tarts scattered along the counter leading into the sink. There's broken eggs on the floor and a bowl lined with the remains of cupcake mixture. Rob sighs and takes off his apron. He puts it on the back of a chair and slowly backs out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Out of sight, out of mind," He murmurs to himself before turning up the stairs.

Chester's in what Rob calls the den. Mike calls it the Games Room because Mike says you can only have a den in the basement. Rob doesn't care what Mike thinks, he hardly comes over these days anyway, especially not in the past week since Chester came to live here.

Propped up by pillows and blankets in the middle of the room is where Rob finds Chester. He's playing X-Box and wordlessly, Rob slips inside, walking over and sitting down beside his friend on the floor.

"Hey," Chester nods.

"Hey."

Chester pauses the game and places down the controller. He tilts his head and looks at Rob.

"You have flour on your cheeks."

"I made cupcakes."

"I love cupcakes," Chester smiles, "What kind did you make?"

"Chocolate chip. I can show you them," Rob nods, "they should be ready in... Oh..."

"What?" Chester frowns.

"I... I forgot to put the timer on."

Chester smiles and Rob can't see anything funny about this. His cakes, they're going to be ruined.

"Hey, it's okay," Chester's still smiling.

"You don't understand, they'll be ruined and I..."

"You can make more."

"I used all the eggs."

"We could eat the mixture?"

"No," Rob shakes his head, "My dentist says I'm not allowed."

"Well," Chester leans forward, "Maybe just this once won't matter?"

"You think?"

"I think," Chester nods, "Or we could drive to the store and get some more eggs, then you can show me how to make these cupcakes."

Rob feels his heart swelling, "Really?" He asks, because no one has ever wanted to make cupcakes with Rob, not even Mike.

"Really," Chester nods.

+

The kitchen is an even bigger mess. Mike will kill Rob when he comes over. That's if he ever shows again. Mike and Chester, they're not talking and, well, it makes things a little awkward to say the least. Rob hates it all. He doesn't understand why everyone had to fall out when Chester had his accident. That's what Chester calls it, an accident. But what Mike and the others, especially Brad, what they call it was a cry for attention.

"Do you remember the story about the boy who cried wolf?" Mike asked one time at the hospital.

Rob nodded.

"Well," Brad carried on, "that's just like Chester. He just wanted some attention. And now, now look, he's got it."

Rob still doesn't understand it but the cupcakes he and Chester made are rising in the oven and all he can smell is chocolate. He presses his nose against the glass door, watching them getting fatter and fatter.

"Dude, why are you on the floor?" Chester asks.

"I'm watching them rise," Rob points to the cakes, "come and see."

Chester bends down and Rob moves out of the way, letting him press his nose to the oven door.

"Isn't it amazing?" Rob asks, "Like, we made those, Chester. We did that," He points toward the oven, suddenly aware of Chester and how very close his face is. Normally, Rob hates people in his personal space. But for whatever reason, this being so close to Chester, well Rob's fine with it. In fact, he rather likes it.

"You're..." Chester smiles.

"What?" Rob frowns, has he got cake mixture on his face?

"You're something else man," Chester smiles and leans forward.

It's just a brush of Chester's lips against Rob's, it's hardly a thing. And then the timer is ringing and Chester's saying they should get the cupcakes out.

But all Rob can think about is his first kiss and how he just finally had it.

Mike and Brad can no longer tease him.

+

They eat the entire eleven cupcakes between them. There were supposed to be twelve but Rob dropped one on the kitchen floor when they were putting the double chocolate chip frosting on top.

Around them in the lounge sit bottles of Pepsi and packets of potato chips. Chester poured some toffee popcorn into a bowl which rests between their knees. Rob likes Chester even more now, because Mike, Mike would never let him have all this stuff all at once. Mike would say, 'Too much sugar will rot your teeth' and shut the fridge door. Sometimes, Mike can be a killjoy, is what Rob thinks as he puts his glass of Pepsi and ice chips down on the floor.

"Chester, I'm not even tired."

Chester smiles, "What makes you say that?"

"It's nearly two am."

Chester shrugs, "Some days I don't go to bed at all," He whispers this and Rob wonders if this is a secret. Sometimes when Mike's telling him something he doesn't want anyone else to hear, well Mike will lower his voice and almost whisper like this.

"I've never stayed up all night," Rob says.

"Well maybe we could do that?"

"Can we watch more movies and bake some more cupcakes?"

Chester nods and Rob says, "Chester you're the coolest friend I've ever had."

"I'm glad you think of me as a friend. I need all the friends I can get right now."

Rob frowns. This is supposed to be a fun night. Pepsi. Cupcakes. An entire bowl of frosting. Rob doesn't get why Chester has to be sad and then he remembers something Mike once said in that whispered tone. Mike once said that Chester's never happy.

"What's wrong?" Chester asks.

"Nothing..."

"No, you're thinking about something, something that's bothering you. What is it?"

"Why are you sad, Chester? I thought we were having a good time."

"Oh God, we are having a good time," Chester smiles, "I just... I..."

"Is it how Mike says?"

"What does Mike say?"

Rob bites his lip, "Mike says that you're never happy."

"Mike's right."

"Are you unhappy now, Chester?"

"I'm okay," Chester nods, "I'm okay. Come on, let's watch another movie. You pick."

+

Chester's cleaning and Rob feels bad because this is his house and Chester's the guest and he's supposed to be resting, not piling plates and cups into the dishwasher and scrubbing the kitchen floor. Rob stands awkwardly in the doorway. It's six pm and he missed breakfast and lunch because they stayed awake until eight am. He just woke up and stumbled downstairs, following the smell of bleach.

"Chester, you don't have to do that," Rob says.

Chester looks up, peeling off the pair of marigolds, "It's fine. It's all done now, anyway," He shrugs, "So, I'm guessing you're hungry?"

Rob nods.

"Okay, so I have to go out and meet a friend," Chester puts the dishwasher on, "but then we could go get a burger?"

Rob nods.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, it's just that, Mike. Well, Mike says I shouldn't eat junk food all the time."

Chester nods, "Well, I don't see Mike here, do you? And I've not seen him for several weeks, come to think of it," And he brushes past Rob, into the hallway. "Get dressed. I'll wait for you in the car."

Rob slowly trudges upstairs, wondering what he did wrong this time.

+

They drive to what Mike calls the unsavoury part of town. Rob's not quite sure what the word means but when Mike says it, he shudders and turns up his nose, so Rob figures it has to be nowhere good.

Chester unbuckles his seatbelt and Rob goes to do the same, but Chester puts his hand against Rob's.

"Stay here," Chester smiles, "I won't be long."

So Rob fiddles with the radio dial while Chester disappears down an alleyway. It's dark so Rob can't really see anything except dirty puddles on the sidewalk that the rain from last night has left. Rob's just got the radio in Chester's car tuned to a station that's not talking about the weather when the door opens.

"That was quick."

Chester, he shoves something into his back pocket and nods, "So, Burger King?"

Rob hesitates.

"MacDonald’s, then?"

Rob nods, "I've almost got all the coloured Coke glasses, I just need the yellow one. I think today they might just have yellow ones..."

Chester smiles and reaches forward, ruffles Rob's hair. Usually Rob would flinch away if someone touched his hair, but instead he leans closer, strangely empty when Chester's hand has gone and is on the steering wheel.

+

"I have to go use the bathroom," Chester pauses and slips a note into Rob's hand, "order what you like, I won't be a minute."

So Rob goes to the line and glances up at the menu. Everything stares back at him blankly, the words and numbers dancing around until his eyes hurt. So he figures he'll go from memory. He knows he wants a Big Mac and he knows Chester will want the same because when they're on tour, Chester always has the Big Mac. Rob wants a strawberry shake too, but then he wants a Coke and maybe some fries. Or does he want the chicken nuggets? How much does he have to buy to get the free glass?

"Next please?"

Rob glances up at the open space in front of him and the cashier with their bored expression as they call again. Rob looks down at the note Chester gave him and backs away, looking for the bathrooms. Maybe it's best Chester orders, he thinks as he pushes the door open. Rob, he's no good at ordering food.

The bathroom stalls are all empty except the one marked disabled. Rob frowns because the door's not even shut but he can see Chester's shadow, so he taps gently on the door, hoping Chester's okay, because maybe he shouldn't be out this late. He is supposed to be resting, after all.

"Chester are you..." Rob doesn't finish what he was going to say because Chester, he has a syringe and is pushing it into the flesh on his upper arm and Rob doesn't know quite what to say.

Chester pales as he looks up, the needle suddenly dropped into the toilet, shirt sleeve suddenly rolled down. His eyes are wide, then they shut and he leans back against the wall.

"I thought you were getting food."

Rob backs away, he doesn't like the tone to Chester's voice.

"What are you... what are you doing?"

"I didn't feel too well," Chester rubs his brow with the back of his hand, "I just needed to take some of my medicine."

Rob feels his shoulders relax and nods, "Do, do you want to go home?"

"No, I'm fine," Chester opens his eyes and smiles at Rob, "I'm fine," He smiles again, his voice thick, "Let's go get some food."

+

Rob stares at the Coca Cola glass before putting it on the shelf in the kitchen with the others. It was purple. Rob now has seven purple glasses but that's the least of his worries because Chester's lying on the floor in the middle of the kitchen and he's crying.

Rob asked him at least ten times what he could do and Chester just says he should leave him there. That's why Rob called Mike. That's why Mike is on his way over. Rob turns away from his glasses and walks over to Chester. He feels so useless.

"Chaz?" He whispers, crouching down, "Chaz, please get up?"

"I'm fine," Chester sniffs, "I'm fine. You go and sleep Rob, I'll be fine."

"But I need to change your bandages."

"I'm fine."

"Chester."

"I'm okay."

"Please."

"I think this floor is really clean. I think I did a good job. You could eat your dinner off of this floor."

Rob stares blankly at Chester and then he hears Mike at the door, his keys turning in the lock. He gets up and walks down the hallway, almost jumping on Mike.

"Please make it stop Mike, please make it stop."

Mike looks scared. He shuts the door and turns around, "what's happened?"

"We went for a burger. I only wanted the yellow glass."

"What happened?" Mike asks again, shrugging off his coat and putting it on the hook behind the door.

"Chester didn't feel well, so he took some medicine and then we ate our food and drove home and now he says he feels even worse and he's so sick, Mike. He can't even move. He's on the kitchen floor and I can't carry him upstairs, I didn't know what to do and I..."

"It's fine," Mike nods, "It's okay. He's in the kitchen?"

Rob follows Mike down the hallway, pausing in the doorway as Mike crouches down and grabs Chester roughly by the wrist. Rob flinches and watches Mike drag him to his feet, shove him down into one of the chairs.

"What the fuck did you take?" Mike hisses and Rob stays clinging to the doorway because he doesn't like it when Mike gets angry.

"Chester, fucking answer me, damit."

Chester blinks and smiles, "Hey Mikey. Long time no see..."

"What did you take?"

"Super healing medicine," Chester giggles, "It's super!"

"Chester, I'm losing my fucking patience here, what did you fucking take?"

"Mike, you're hurting him," Rob steps forward, staring at the way Chester's wrist is being crushed under Mike's grasp.

"This is nothing," Mike spits, "Chester, what did you do? Coke? Uppers? Heroin..."

"Third time lucky," Chester giggles.

"Oh my God. You did Heroin? You did that and you let Rob, Oh my fucking... Chester have you lost your mind?"

"Heroin?" Rob stares at Chester, "Chester, did you?"

"I'm a bad person, Rob," Chester stares coldly at him, "I'm really fucking bad."

Rob gulps and turns away. Rob doesn't think that Chester has any excuse to do drugs and Rob hates how much this hurts and hates the tears that are trickling down his cheeks. He marches down the hallway and into the lounge, slamming the door behind him.

Suddenly Chester isn't so special anymore.

This should mean Rob can just stop caring.

But Rob, he feels like he cares about him even more.

+

"I'm so sorry," Chester murmurs.

Mike stayed over and slept on the couch and Rob, well, he didn't really sleep for the first time since he was a kid and used to wet the bed because all he could hear was Chester crying upstairs. And now Chester's sitting beside him on the couch.

Rob nods.

"No, Rob, I really am sorry. I'm not just saying it."

"I... I thought you'd stopped taking drugs. Like, all these years, I thought you were off the drugs. Have you been lying to me?"

"No," Chester shakes his head, "I had what's called a relapse."

"I know what a relapse is. My mom had one, remember? That's why I'm like this. That's why I don't always understand. I thought you knew that. I thought you knew that drugs were bad and..."

"Rob, God, I'm sorry. I just. I didn't think."

"At least you're being honest," Rob nods, "now."

"I want to stop. I don't want to be like this."

"Is that why you went to hospital? Did you put yourself there, like my mom?"

Chester, he pauses, then slowly he nods his head.

"But why?"

"I was unhappy. I didn't want to be alive anymore."

"So the others were right. It wasn't an accident?"

"I was so ashamed. I couldn't bring myself to tell you Rob."

"So how come you could bring yourself to do it?"

"Because when you feel so low, like there's no way out, well," Chester shrugs, "It's pretty hard to think rational thoughts."

"My mom did it, in the end."

"I know..."

"Is that what you're gonna do? You're gonna keep trying until it works? And one day you do kill yourself?"

"No," Chester reaches out and grabs Rob's hand, "no. That's not what I want. I'm not like your mom."

"So it's not because of me?"

"No, no it's not. Why would you even think that?"

"Because that's what my mom told me. She said she took all those drugs when she was pregnant with me because I made her unhappy before I was even born. She said she just wanted to get rid of me..."

"Your mom was angry. She was angry at herself and used you as an excuse..."

"You're not angry at me?"

"No. I'm angry at myself. Because sometimes I don't like myself very much and sometimes I feel like nothing I do is ever right..."

"I feel like that too sometimes. I'm always getting things wrong."

"It's not a nice feeling, is it?"

Rob shakes his head.

"Well, sometimes I feel like I can't shake that feeling, you know? I can't stop feeling like all I ever do is wrong and that I'm never good enough. When I used to take drugs, I could escape that. I could ignore those feelings. They took the pain away. Sometimes I get tempted. And the other week, I couldn't stop myself. I wish I could have done, because now I feel even worse than ever."

"I wish I could make you feel better."

"You do."

Rob smiles, "I do?"

"Yes," Chester nods, "being around you makes me feel good."

"Then why did you have to take the heroin?"

"Because I'm selfish and horrible and I don't think things through, Rob."

"You're not horrible. I think you're really nice."

"I think you're nice," Chester grins.

"Is that, is that why you kissed me?"

Chester laughs, "I guess. But that can't happen again."

Rob frowns, "Why not?"

"Because you need someone better Rob. You need someone who's not fucked up and hateful to themselves. Someone who can cook you meals and tell you right from wrong, someone who can protect you..."

"Sounds boring to me, really. I want someone who bakes with me and doesn't yell when I make a mess in the kitchen. Someone who I can teach the cheats to on X-box. Someone who can scream really loud and someone who likes bubble baths as much as me..."

"Rob," Chester smiles, "I'm not good enough for you!"

"You are."

"I'm not."

Rob sighs and curls his fingers together, "I'd take care of you, y'know. I'd learn to cook and wash up better and I'd..."

"You don't need to change, you're pretty fucking perfect..."

"I'm not," Rob interrupts, "I'm an idiot, everyone thinks so. I was born with a brain wired up the wrong way because my mom was a drug addict and, I'm just not perfect..."

"You are to me."

"You are to me."

Chester smiles and takes Rob's hand. For a few minutes all they can hear is Mike grunting and muttering in the kitchen as he empties the dishwasher.

"Chester?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you," Rob clears his throat, suddenly feeling inexplicably nervous, "Will you tell me the truth in the future? I know Mike thinks I can't handle things and that I don't quite understand everything. But the way you explain things, well I like that. You make things make sense."

"I do?"

"Yeah. I get why you didn't want to be alive anymore. Because sometimes things get hard and it seems like it might be easy to not even try, right?"

"That's pretty much it," Chester nods.

"I think you should try."

From the kitchen, Mike smashes something and swears out loud. Rob hopes it was one of the purple Coca Cola glasses.

"And I'll try too," Rob nods, "I'll try so hard to make you happier."

Chester smiles and reaches out, his hand brushing against Rob's cheek, "You do make me happier," He murmurs, biting his lip, "I really want to kiss you."

Rob can feel his cheeks burning, "Then kiss me."

"I don't want to hurt you though, Rob. I don't want to ever fuck things up between us and drag you down. I don't want to make you sad."

"I don't think you will..."

"But..."

"If you try hard enough not to, then how can you?"

"Rob, I think your dishwasher is broken," Mike calls out, "did you use bubble bath in it again? It's leaking crap everywhere..."

"I'm nervous," Chester suddenly whispers out of the blue, his breath warm against Rob's lips.

"Me too," Rob murmurs, his hand slipping around Chester's wrist; the one he held onto so tightly in the hospital.

"Rob?" Mike shouts, "Rob where did you put the mop?"

Rob closes his eyes and gently presses his lips to Chester's. He feels so warm and safe and butterflies, they dance in the pit of Rob's stomach.

"Are you guys even there anymore?" Mike yells, "I'm floating in fucking Radox here."

Rob giggles and opens his eyes, relief washing over him as Chester smiles back at him, a small laugh rolling from his lips.

"I wish he'd shut up," Rob smiles, "I have something important to ask."

"Yeah?"

Rob bites his lip again, "Will you... Will you be my boyfriend?"

"Guys? Guys, I'm fucking serious here! I need a fucking mop you motherfuckers."

Chester laughs, his fingers shaking as they lace around Rob's waist and suddenly Mike is screaming, his voice echoing through from the kitchen.

It's loud but it's not loud enough to drown out the 'Yes' that slips from Chester's lips.

END.