Author’s Note: First attempt at something like this. No yelling in frustration, children. Enjoy at your own risk.

Don’t own Linkin Park. Only myself (I think).

Can’t You See I’m Sick?- Chapter one: Interruptive Persona

Oh, my love- can’t you see I’m sick?

As this rain keeps falling

from this crying sky-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As I lay upon this lonely floor

with crimson leaving me-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As my eyes scream out

what I cannot say-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As these thoughts cut deep

within my veins-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As I read aloud

in this tired voice-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As I repeat myself

for the thousandth time-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As new cuts spring

across this field-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As I down that drink

with that jagged pill-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As I swallow that smoke

and burn my lungs-

can’t you see I’m sick?

As I fall down

the only one-

…can’t you see I’m sick…?

I’ve lost it…

I’ve fucking lost it and not one of you can tell. None of you think it’s strange that I’ve changed so much? I’m withdrawn, I’ve stopped eating, I’m on more drugs than Keith Richards has ever been on in his entire life, and my lyrics clearly show I’m depressed. Maybe you’re all too wrapped up in your own lives or caught up in the pressure of tour life- but I thought at least one of you would notice something- anything… But not one of you did or will… I could drop dead tomorrow and you all would merely step over my dead body without a care in the fucking world…

You… you made me think that you loved me. You lifted me so high up only to drop me from miles above and watch my body connect with the cement, sounding off a the sickening crack of my broken body and deteriorating heart.

Were you aware of what you were doing? Or did you live each day blind to the pain you were causing me? The pain is worse than it was before- I can actually see the blood this time as it seeps through my shirt and my eyes always blur with these crimson thoughts in the form of crystalline streams pouring down my face. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I spend some time away from you and feel like I’m getting better but so much as a glance at your picture and I’m back at square fucking one again. You’re like a fucking drug to me and I can’t understand why I keep coming back for more when you repeatedly hurt me beyond belief…

Nothing should ever hurt this way… Nothing . I could drive a knife into my wrists or nail myself to the walls of my mind and it still wouldn’t hurt as much as this does.

Or maybe I’m imagining all of this… Maybe it’s all in my head… my fucked up little head… Maybe I make too much of your little gestures. It all just feels like you make me the center of attention- you always come to me for help on lyrics, you always give me little gifts of affection, and you constantly tell me you love me. Did you mean like a close friend type of love? Or… a brotherly love? I just feel like it all means so much more than that.

I’m so in love with you. I don’t just love you- I adore you; you’re with everything that I am and ever could be.

But you don’t notice that: not the drugs or how much I need you- nothing …

“Mike? Can I…talk to you about something?” I finally muster up the courage to say to you one night.

It’s late, about midnight, and here we both are at the studio still. It’s raining out, only a light drizzle but I think it’s gonna get heavier soon. You look up from your piles of papers around you and I want to die the moment I look into your eyes. You hair is un-spiked today and I love it- it’s perfect… YOU are perfect. I love the fact that you don’t see the need to decorate yourself with tattoos or anything to feel beautiful- I wish I could be more like you; I wish I could be brave…

“Sure, what is it, Ches?”

Nicknames… they mean someone loves you, right? Mikey, Spikey, Baby…

“Uhm… I don’t really… I don’t know how to say it…”

“Well, you know I’ll never judge you, Chester. I’ve known you for far too long for you to take me by surprise on anything as well. Plus, I love you man- and I’ll always be there to support you.”

He said it again. I love you. He just said it; I’m not hearing things…

“See… that’s the thing… I don’t know if you will support me on this…”

“Why wouldn’t I? You’re like family to me- I’ll support you on everything.”

Family. That’s all I am to him… family. He did mean it as brotherly love. I’m in over my head here. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have kept my loud fucking mouth shut… I should have…

“Chester?”

I broke my gaze with the wall and brought it down to Mike.

“Uh… never mind…” I muttered under my breath and tried to get out of there as fast as I possibly could.

I heard rustling papers as I reached the door and a voice called out. It sounded like it cared- should I have believed it?

“Chester, wait!”

I turned around and in Mike’s eyes I saw my own- they were glassy and held my broken soul within them.

“There’s something on your mind and it’s not good to keep it to yourself. I’m here for you- you know that…”

“Mike, just… forg-”

He cut me off before I could finish though. Oh, did I mention he cut me off with a kiss instead of his well crafted words? Yeah, he cut me off with one of those silly little things that make people fall in love with other people. One of those things that can hurt quite a bit if the person doing so does not mean it to the person receiving it. My words did not want to form into coherent sentences inside of my mind or outside of it either- so when the kiss was broken my stuttering filled the entire room.

“Uh… M-Mike th-that was… uhm… uh… s-sudden.”

“Well, that’s what you wanted to tell me, wasn’t it?” He said with a smirk.

“So you feel… feel the same?”

My mind was racing. Of course I had wanted this, but was he only doing this to make me happy or did he really mean it? Was I thinking too much about a silly little kiss? Huh… silly little kiss- to me they’re anything but that but here I was labeling a kiss as silly and little…

“I’d do anything for you, Chester. Anything you want me to.”

“Y-Yeah?”

This couldn’t be real… This is too perfect to be real…

“Of course, Chester. I love you.”

This definitely wasn’t real… It can’t be. This is everything I’ve ever wanted it and I never get what I want- I never get to be happy so this had to be pretend… I’m in a land of make believe and I’d be hitting reality pretty soon…

“In what sense?”

Mike’s eyes sparkled and I saw something in them that I never saw before- lust; pure lust and I was sort of frightened.

“What’s the matter, Chester?”

Mike stepped closer to me; I guess I must have backed away from him.

“Mike… I’m not really all that… comfortable with you being so-”

“So what, Chester? Close to you? I thought you liked me. I thought you wanted this.”

“Mike, you’re scaring me!”

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up!!! I’m dreaming! I’m dreaming!!!

And I was. I woke up with a cold sweat as a second layer over my skin and my heart raced faster than I ever remember- I was surprised it could beat so fast without exploding. I looked around as my eyes tried to focus in the dark and saw I was at home in my bed- safe in my bed…

Sam was asleep beside me and I could hear Draven snoring softly in the next room through the baby monitor on the night stand. I sat up and ran my hand through my hair, rubbing the sweat onto my shirt after it was coated with it. I threw the blanket off of me and went into the kitchen downstairs for a drink of water.

How could something so good turn into something so bad… it was such a good dream and nightmares never leave me alone… I spotted my cell phone in its charger in the living room and went over to it, contemplating whether or not I should phone Mike.

And what would I say? Hi, I just had a dream about you that turned into a nightmare of you maybe wanting to proceed to raping me- any thoughts on that? My foot was just about to touch the first step on the stairs when I heard my ring tone go off- that’s odd.

I walked over and looked at the caller ID- it was Joe. I picked it up and tried to make it seem as though he had just woken me up.

“Joe, do you know what time it is? What’s the prob-”

“You need to come to my house right now.” He sounded serious and I expect I sounded scared now.

“What’s happened?”

“It’s Mike. Just come over, I’ll explain everything when you get here.”

I heard a dial tone and fear coursed through me. What could have happened to Mike? If it was as serious as Joe was making it out, shouldn’t Mike be at the hospital if he was hurt? I changed into daytime clothes even though it was still clearly nighttime and stepped into my worn out Chuck Taylor’s before pocketing my phone and setting out into a sprint to Joe’s house a few blocks away because my stupid car was in the shop getting fixed.

It was raining on this eventful night and thunder sounded off; probably scaring some children who lay awake sleeplessly in their beds and it brought me back to my days as a child. Things were worse then than they are now… so I’ll leave the past in the past and try to control my future now even though I’m failing miserably at doing so.

I only knew one thing for certain right now though- I needed to get to Joe’s as fast as I possibly could.

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Well, wasn't that lovely now? I was gonna go in so many other directions with this but ideas kept springing and this is the one that stuck for now.

Reviews please? And the next chapter will be up soon.