17.

It’s cold in the hospital corridor the next morning. You sit with your arms around your body, shivering in your thin t-shirt and faded jeans. It’s supposedly July outside. Inside it feels like a fall day when you go out in the evening in your boxers to smoke a cigarette in the yard and the frosty climate nips at your skin and you hop from one foot to another to keep warm.

There’s footsteps coming down the corridor and your heart flips when you look up to see Brad. He looks weary and pale and is holding a black holdall. Then, as you shakily get to your feet you see Joe, forlorn and gazing around the corridor with a distinct look of uneasiness. You want to run into Brad’s arms but you suddenly can’t move.

“Hi,” He nods as he reaches you, “Where’s Nurse O’Brian?”

You stare at him blankly, “Who?” You whisper, watching him as he plonks the holdall down beside your feet.

“The nurse who rang me last night and asked me to come and sign some papers,” He shrugs, “You look awful.”

“Brad I need to talk to you.”

“Mike you don’t,” He pauses, “You don’t have to explain okay? Just take this treatment and get yourself back together. We’ll visit,” He nods, “And you’ll be okay.”

“No,” You shake your head, tears already making a fucking comeback, “Brad you don’t understand. All those things Chester is telling you are lies. He’s been…”

“Abusing you,” Brad rolls his eyes, “Stalking you, hurting you,” He pauses, “Mike don’t tell me this, okay? I love you Mike but these lies aren’t doing anyone any good.”

“And why are you so certain it’s me that’s lying?” You gulp, glancing at Joe, “You don’t believe me either?”

Joe just shrugs.

“Please Brad, hear me out?”

“Mike when I came back from my holiday to pick you up from Chester’s, do you have any idea how hysterical he was? He was covered in blood for Christ’s sake and he’d been trying to ring me for days. It killed him to confess that you’d been infatuated with him for months and trying to get together with him, and…”

“You believe him. Just like that. Just throwing away everything we had?”

Brad sighs, “Mike…”

“I don’t even get a say?”

“I’ve listened to you Mike, remember? The day after you tried to kill yourself? Then when you were arrested and taken into the Police Station for questioning? I was there. I heard your story.”

Story? The word stabs at your heart.

“Why don’t you believe me?” You whisper, sinking back into your chair as despondency washes its ugly self over you.

“Mike I don’t, it’s not like I,” Brad stops and digs his hands into his pockets.

“You won’t even look at me,” You hear yourself whisper, “You won’t even sit next to me.”

Brad suddenly crouches down in front of you, rests his hands against your legs and waits for you to look at him. Your heart aches when you do so. For the first time the one person who could have stopped all of this isn’t even on your side, is he?

“Tell me again,” He whispers.

“Brad,” Joe groans, “You said we were here to…”

“I need to be sure,” He glances at Joe then back at you, “Mike?”

“We were seeing each other,” You look down at your hands, “I didn’t want anyone to know I was…”

“Gay?” Brad whispers.

You nod, frowning at the smile that sadly seeps across Brad’s face.

“What?”

“Mike, I kinda knew you were gay?”

“What?” You frown furthermore.

“Well, you’ve never had a girlfriend and,” He shrugs.

“So you wouldn’t have minded? I mean, you don’t mind?” You gush out.

“No!” Brad smiles, but his smile is quickly replaced by something sterner, “But that doesn’t excuse what happened…”

“But he,” You clamp your mouth shut for a few seconds, “I thought you’d hate me,” You whisper, “So I ended things with Chester,” You stop as tears begin to stream down your face, “He was so mad at me Brad and I hated myself for doing it. I still do. He turned so violent and he started hurting me and making me do things…”

“Mike, why would he do that?”

“He wanted me back and I wouldn’t go back…”

“But Chester’s not like that…”

“Brad please,” You beg, “Please believe me.”

“It doesn’t add up Mike. Look,” He sighs, “When we were in Europe you started to act really fucking weird - and Chester came to me quite a lot, he never would say what was wrong - just that you weren’t yourself.”

You have to laugh at this point. You can’t help yourself because, really, that’s fucking rich of Chester isn’t it? You grip onto the sides of the plastic chair beneath you.

“I ended things with him because I was afraid of coming out,” You find yourself repeating, “And I didn’t want to but…”

“But Mike,” Brad sighs, “We’re not some homophobic Neanderthals. We would have accepted things Mike and that’s just it, I don’t get why you would be so afraid of our reaction. And it just doesn’t add up, your story’s changed each time I’ve heard it and fuck,” Brad stops, slowly looks up at you, “Mike there was no proof you were raped. Chester showed us the marks you’d left…”

That’s it. You can’t stand it any longer and you fucking well explode.

“What about the scars all over my fucking body?” You shout, getting to your feet and almost knocking Brad over, not that you care at this precise moment.

You can feel your breathing getting deeper and Brad gets to his feet, shoulders square with yours. You can’t glare back for long and your gaze drops to the floor, eyes welling up once again.

“Mike you have a history of self harm - something you forced me to keep quiet about, I know. I had to tell…”

“You told everyone?”

“They needed to know.”

“Why?” You shout, hands flying up in the air in annoyance, “Because you’re on his side right? Because you want me in here? Don’t tell me, you already knew about this whole fucking mess and Chester’s got you doing his dirty work? I bet he…”

You stop because Brad chooses that moment to slap you across the face. It stings and the tears really begin to spill down your face at that point. You don’t even recognise him anymore. What happened to the Brad who’d hold you when you needed it the most? The Brad who would do anything for you? The Brad who would take a fucking bullet for you?

You stumble back, shaking as you bring your hand up to your burning cheek. Then you do something you should have done the moment you were bought back to this godforsaken place; you turn and run.

Your feet crash down the corridor. It takes you a few steps to get going, to not stumble and fall but you do it; you race away from them, feet stomping against the tiled floor and body slamming through the double door at the end. You can hear Brad shouting at you, racing behind you but you don’t stop until you’ve crashed down the stairs; through the main entrance; over the parking lot and down the sidewalk.

You have to stop at that point because you can barely fucking breathe. You hit a wall and slide down it, shaking hands raking through your matted hair. The sun scorches your skin as it burns through morning clouds and you stretch your legs out in front of you, tilt your head and realise what a fucking beautiful day it is. Ironic really, considering how fucking shitty you feel.

Then you decide to pay Chester fucking Bennington a visit.

+

The cheery smile on his face is washed away when he opens the door to his house. Firstly because you’re standing there and he probably never expected to see you again; secondly because you slap him right across the mouth. He topples back and you force your way into his hallway, slamming the door shut behind you.

“How could you?” You hiss as he straightens up, “How FUCKING could you?” You yell, fists clenched at your sides.

Chester doesn’t talk at first, too busy wiping the blood from his lip. Then he shrugs. He fucking shrugs and walks away, his body calmly disappearing into the lounge.

“What did I do?” You yell after him, crashing into the room to see him sitting on the couch.

He shrugs again, stretches his arms above his head and it’s at that point you notice the deep, red line that runs from his wrist to his elbow, etched deeply into his skin. Then you note the marks on his neck, turning that ugly yellow goodbye-bruise colour.

“Chester you’ve got to tell them the truth.”

He turns and smiles at you, “Why?”

“Because they’re going to fucking section me and… You don’t even care what happens to me, do you?”

“I did,” He shrugs, “Once.”

“And what changed?”

“Oh don’t give me that,” He scoffs, cocking his head to the side, “Sit down. You’re making the place look untidy.”

You don’t want to sit down. You want to grab him and drag him back to the hospital, have him explain that he’s the one who needs sectioning; he’s the fucking lunatic without a conscience. Chester, however pats the space of the sofa beside him and for some ludicrous reason you walk over to him and sit down on the edge of it, eyes glaring at him.

“I gave you a chance,” Chester sighs, “In fact, I gave you several. All you had to do was come back to me, maybe one day tell the others about us and,” He pauses, “Well things would have been a lot different.”

“Are you trying to tell me I deserve this?”

“Well, put simply? Yes.”

“You bastard,” You hiss, “You complete and utter bastard. You’re just going to sit back and lie, just as fucking revenge?”

Chester shrugs, “I might sell the house, move further up into the hills. I met this really cute guy at a party last night. I can picture him living there with me, he’s a guitar technician so he could come on the road with me and the rest of the band. I’m moving on Mike,” He shrugs.

You stare back at him. Where did he go? Where did Chester go? That dorky, adorable, sensitive bundle of a man who didn’t have a bad word to say about anyone. Where the fuck did he disappear to?

“What can I do?” You whisper, “What can I do to make you change your mind?”

Chester sits up, leans forward so his lips are grazing against yours, “It’s over Mike,” He whispers, “We’re over.”

“What the fuck do you mean? I told you that months ago Chester, I ended things with you.”

Chester laughs, “Don’t get so worked up Mike! God, what happened to you? You used to be so easy going and chilled out. There was none of this shouting and anger!”

“Are you surprised?”

Chester grins, “Sleep with me,” He smiles, “Then I might re-consider things.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” You hiss.

He sits back and glances up at the ceiling, “Your choice,” He shrugs, “I’m here though,” He glances at you, “And we never did have goodbye sex.”

“Chester stop this. Just go and tell them you lied. No one will listen to me, they won‘t even give me a chance.”

He smirks and slides his hand into your lap, squeezing your thigh, “What’s in it for me?”

“I’ll, I’ll sleep with you.”

You bite your lip, swallow your fucking pride and look away from him as tears start to cloud your vision.

“You’d really go that far?” Chester smiles.

“Please Chester I’ll do anything for you to stop my friends from hating me, from thinking I’m some fuck up. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of the games.”

“Yeah,” Chester nods, “I must admit I’m getting a bit tired of things too. It’s been fun but I think I’m ready to move on.”

“No more games then?” You ask.

He shrugs, “Depends how badly you want it?”

“Please Chester. Things can go back to how they were,” You croak, “I mean the band and everything. We can be friends again and we can just tell them this was a stupid argument that got out of hand. You can tell them you lied and I’ll not talk of what you did to me ever again. Please Chester,” You turn to face him, “Don’t get me locked up in that place. I couldn’t stand it if I had to stay in there without my friends or fresh air to breathe or having any kind of freedom. Chester it’ll send me crazy.”

“Hey,” Chester sits up, hand rubbing up and down your thigh, “Don’t cry,” He breathes out, his words cascading against your lips.

You gulp when he presses his mouth to yours, moan when his tongue slides between your lips and close your eyes when you begin to kiss him back. And that’s how it is for a few minutes.

You.

Chester.

Kissing.

He pulls you on top of him, places his hands on your back and holds you against him. You forgot how good it felt to kiss him, how good Chester tastes and how quickly he can make you want him so fucking much. Your hands slide down his sides, rest on his hips and you slide your tongue into his mouth, flick it against his and forget that this really isn’t okay.

Chester’s the one to break this kiss, his head jerking back as his hands move to cup your face. He gazes at you for a few moments, eyes staring right into your very soul. You feel frightened and overwhelmed; lost and confused. You don’t know what you’re doing, in fact, all you do know is that you’re out of your fucking mind.

“Let’s go upstairs,” He says softly.

You nod, get up and let him catch your hand in his. He leads you up the stairs, hand squeezing yours each step that brings you closer to his room. Pausing in his doorway he turns around to kiss you again, lips like velvet moving against yours as he backs into the room and pulls you over to the bed.

“Promise me,” You murmur as he begins to unfasten your pants, “Promise me that you’ll tell them the truth.”

Chester hushes you, pressing his lips against yours whilst he pushes down your trousers and kicks them to the floor. You tell yourself this is okay as he finishes undressing you and slides his own clothes off. You tell yourself that after this things will go back to normal, though in the pit of your stomach you’re not quite sure what normal is anymore. It just sounds safe; comforting.

The feel of Chester sliding a lube-covered hand up and down your erection breaks into your thoughts. Your eyes flutter open and you watch as he finishes and squeezes some gel out of a blue KY Jelly tube into his hand. You gulp when his eyes lock with yours, when his hand slides between his legs and his fingers push into himself.

Then he just sits there for a moment, on his knees, fingering himself with his eyes not once wavering from yours. You bite your lip, feel blood trickling down your chin. Then he stops, lies down beside you and cups your face with his clammy hands.

“This is how it would’ve been on that day,” He whispers, “Y’know, after you told me you were leaving and I begged you to stay? It would have been you inside of me because I was such a mess. I didn’t have a backbone back then.”

“Chester,” You start but he hushes you with a kiss, a kiss that makes your mind slip back to that day, makes you feel like it’s April and he’s sobbing in your arms and your heart is pounding because you know you’ve made the wrong decision.

“If I could go back to that day,” You murmur, “I’d do it in an instant.”

“I know,” Chester breezes out, “I know.”

He pulls you on top of him, wraps his legs around you and guides you inside of him. You ache to move but stay still for a few minutes, letting his body adjust. His hands claw at your shoulders and you lean down and kiss him.

“Please,” He moans out, arching his back against you and you need no further encouragement.

When your eyes slip shut and your hands grab onto his hips you’re back in April and this is your goodbye sex. He’s not hurt you; you’ve hurt him but in time it will heal. He’s angry with you but that will fade and you’ll remain good friends and one day you’ll look back to this day and realise that in fact, you did make the right decision.

“Mike…”

When Chester moans out your name your eyes flutter open and you start to fuck him harder. You gaze down at him, falling in love with the way his eyes are half shut; the way tiny beads of sweat have collected on his forehead; the way his mouth is whispering your name. His hands claw at your back and he murmurs something about you going harder. So you do, thinking to yourself as you slam inside him that as soon as you spill your seed inside him your life will go back to normal.

Everything will be okay.

“Look at me,” Chester whispers.

You stare into his lust filled eyes, trying not to lose control as his fingers dance up and down your spine.

“When you think of me,” He pauses, “When you think of us, I want you to remember this moment,” He tells you, “Nothing that happened before and nothing that’s going to happen after. I want you to remember this,” He presses his lips against yours and you feel his body shaking, feel something warm and sticky against your stomach and seconds later, you’re spilling your seed inside him, thrusting into him and holding his body against yours.

Then he’s gone, disappearing into the bathroom.

+

TBC…