AN: I_I

I felt like writing something... I hope you guys like it.

Unstable

I know I wasnt thinking straight. How was I supposed to think straight with everything going down hill?

I know the guys are worried about me. I know this like I know that the night sky only heightens the shadows. I know it like how I know that my anger is justified.

When I was younger, anger management was my downfall. Why? Well, because I wasnt all that great at managing my anger. My mother thought I should find other ways to give my anger outlet. I agreed. Of course, I happened to have agreed after my step father beat the snot out of me because I called him a no good dirty bastard who needed to get his priorities straight because he was @#%^$# cheating on my mom with the dirty chit in the apartment complex down the street.

Well, aparently he wasnt... But that didnt mean that I wasnt hitting on something because he came home from that area a lot. It turns out the chit was actually his illegitimate daughter from his previous marriage. Ooops.

So yeah, I agreed to find another outlet for my anger. Because sometimes the anger came from various sources. My mother decided that I needed to take self defense classes. I didnt argue. There was no real point.

I started the classes with the intention of merely having fun, because really who wouldnt have fun getting the bucket of chocolate knocked out of them from time to time in order to learn how to protect themselves.

No, really... I actually loved those classes. Even when we didnt have enough money for me to continue taking the courses I continued to practice. I found myself a bit interested in art as well... You know... the spoken art, the written art, the drawn...painted... sketched art.

But spoken word was my favorite medium. Sometimes during the afternoons a time where school had already let out, and many things during the day had led to me being extremely... well, angry... my mom would find me in my room punching my makeshift punching bag and muttering words under my breath.

Its a wonder that she hadnt sent me to a mental institute.

When she realized that the words that I had been muttering were poems that I had written, she had immediately mentioned that I should start a band or...a group or club or something... Something that would prove to be useful of my time.

My stepfather had approved...

Yeah, a walk down memory lane... great. Not a trip though, never a trip. If I dared take a trip down memory lane... I do believe that I would be lost.

So once again I say, I know the guys are worried about me. Its obvious. I guess it started... I dont know... probably when I was born. Yeah. But no. I'm not going to go back on that annoying walk. I'd rather stay in the present.

I've been doing well for a while. I dont know if it was stress, or.. I dont know. But I was doing well.

Until I blew up at my bandmates for something equally as stupid. I mean the guys were just playing around, but I had a migrain, and it was the pits...

I told them to keep it down, they didnt.

"Will You guys just %^%& keep it down already?"

They glared at me, before continuing what they were doing.

Chester paused and asked me what was wrong... I told him nothing.

He was in his 'I'm your best friend you can tell me' mode. It was annoying.

"I said I was &@#&% okay, Do whatever the &*@#$ you want! Just leave me alone... I've Got a @#$^&@ migraine and its not goin away anytime soon with you @#$#^ feeding it!!!"

Then I stormed off. After that, they were on pins and needles with me... it was tiresome. I knew they cared but still... and I also knew I had shocked them with my seemingly 180 in attitude...

I mean... I was the nice guy. I was the glue.

I even had a fiance. But after a time touring with my bandmates... I came home to see and hear her moaning someone elses name... in my house. So, yeah... ex-fiance.

Of course that someone happened to be banging her into the mattress at the time. But really, I was too tired to care. I was bone weary and I didnt have time to analyze whether the reason I didnt care was because I was tired, or I really didnt give a @#&$^.

Maybe it was the latter, because all I found myself able to do was stare at them blankly. Really, this was my house... why wasnt I angry? Hurt? Betrayed?

Maybe I was all three. But I didnt have the energy to react with more than a stare. When the love birds realized I was there, Anna cried out in shock while pushing the man that had previously been pinning her to the bed away. She pulled up the covers to her chin as if I hadnt seen it all before.

Of course, all I did was stare. "Mike, I can explain! I... Why are you looking at me like that? Mike SAY something... thats not a normal reaction."

I was curious as to what a normal reaction in her demented world would be. I raised an eyebrow.

"Mike, speak to me baby? Please? You're not even angry... Do you even CARE?"

She was in hysterics... Which was amusing. Very much so.

"Mike? Say something."

I cocked my head to the side. Before sighing and walking out of my bedroom, at the door I paused... Barely noticing that the other man was still there... staring at me with something akin to fear in his eyes...

"Go @#&*^ somewhere else," I said before continuing my way to my living room, I sat on the couch and turned on the television.

I paid no heed to the two as they ran out of the house as if rabid animals were after them. I didnt care. I was too tired to care. Life was draining and it didnt matter.

Or. It hadnt. Because... I know that I wasnt thinking straight... I really wasnt... Because... it always matters... Even when I pretend that everything is alright.

A week later found me in my own personal gym beating my fists against the punching bag.

"I'm angry. I just cant stand this anymore. Its like my minds locked behind a door. It's just so frustrating standing here. I'm at my wits end, did ya hear?"

I didnt even hear the door open. I was in my own world doing my own thing, trying to keep my anger in check. A good rap in time with my punches always calmed me down...

"Even the light of day wrecks my nerves. Darkness of night doesnt even serve, the peace that I need to find... Its getting kind of hard to find my piece of mind..."

I keep going, the anger slowly leaving me... I want it out! I want the anger to LEAVE! It never really serves its purpose!!

"Even if this anger is justified! I wish this pressure would leave my mind! I wish it would LEAVE just GO AWAY!! I dont need to stress about this every day! Wish it would leave me the @$#*& alone! All this ish keeps going on!"

I was about to keep going, even when my knuckles started to bleed, and I was breathing so heavy... so heavy...

"Mike?"

I glance up... and sigh. I really wish that Chester hadnt seen all this. He looks so worried. Inwardly I give an embittered chuckle...

"Yeah, Chaz?"

He looks slightly relieved but still worried. I hated it when I was the one that they worried about, Because I was the one who supposedly had all the calmness.

I was the one with the constant smiles, and the belligerent attitude that the guys needed to get through a particularly hard spot. I was the one who they expected to hold things together.

I was the one who they thought could handle stress the best and they could count on me.

I keep telling myself that it would be so much better for them if they didnt believe everything that their eyes crossed to be more than just a surface... but I cant say that to them...

Because then I would have to follow my own directions...

I'm supposed to be the strong one.

"You okay?"

It was a stupid question really, it wasnt a question that needed to be answered, it was more to fill the silence that had fallen between us.

Once again, I say... I was the nice guy... I was the glue...

I just wish that they knew that their glue was the cheap stick for five seconds glue...

Because I can barely keep myself from falling apart.

"Is there something that you wanted, Chaz?"

He blinked at me before glaring, "Mikey, You've been short tempered for the last couple of months... not just recently... but recently You've been getting wors-"

I interrupted him, "Don't act like you're a @#&**#$ counselor Chester Bennington!!"

He was my best friend... not my psychiatrist...

"Well, Mike Shinoda stop acting like you need a $#$&&) counselor!!!"

I blinked... we were both huffing and puffing and...

insane laughter seemed to be bubbling up from somewhere... Belatedly I realized that the laughter was coming from me.

It was sad really. Very sad. But I couldnt help but laugh harder.

Chester was looking at me with the oddest expression on his face...

and it made me laugh even harder. Eventually I ended up coughing, but for the life of me, I couldnt stop laughing... even when in the middle I coughed harshly, I was still laughing.

"Mike... I'm going to call an ambulance, okay?"

He was worried. I tried to tell him not to, I mean... why call an ambulance? Oh, I realized that my fingers are clutched so tightly that my nails have caused my palm to start bleeding.

In the midst of my laughter, I managed to choke out, "No.. need... for... such...d-dra...stic meaasuurres."

He paused before closing the phone and staring at me in hopes of figuring out what was wrong with his best friend.

I really couldnt calm my laughter... even when it turned harsh and embittered... I just... couldnt...

"Mike..."

It broke me out of my trance... and thus... out of my weird state of laughs...

"You're my best friend... right?"

I stare at him in confusion.

"Yea? So?"

I blink slightly as he looked slightly uncomfortable.

"I can tell you anything, and you can tell me anything and all that.. right?"

I was wondering where Chester was getting this from... Why was he asking me these questions.... deciding that the situation couldnt get any stranger, I gave him a slight and confused nod.

"Well... Umm... Mike..."

What was he going to do? I hope he wasnt going to kiss me, cause what with the tension and all that... it kind of looks like he is, and that would be bad bad bad... because ... he's my friend... and Anna has already done enough, and I...

I was apparently in my own world because there was a tap on my shoulder...

"Mike!"

Oh... he was calling my name...

"What?"

I say this turning to him. He still has that concerned look on his face. I wonder what else I've done in the past ten minutes to cause him to worry so much... (not that I havent done enough... I mean really, I'm surprised that my friend hasnt had a heart attack)Why am I so calm right now...?

Oh, my bad... he's saying something...

"What?"

"You're crying."

Oh.

AN: Oh, my God.... I dont even know what to say about this one... I'm not completely sure what I was thinking... maybe I was thinking nothing... yeah, we're gonna go with that... I was thinking nothing.. but I hope that you liked it anyway... otay.. and PS. please review... and oh yeah... PPS. The thing Mike was saying while punching the punching bag, well I made that up...