Description: I know you used to love me, too. What have I become? Does it have to end this way? Will you stop me from doing something stupid? Do you… care? [c/m] [standalone]

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Help Me, Chester

I look in the mirror – I look sick. I haven’t eaten in days, I’ve slept a measly amount of hours, and my mind is taking over. It’s telling me I’m useless – a waste of space. It’s saying ‘don’t eat’, ‘don’t sleep’, and ‘don’t think’; ‘just listen’.

My hand connects with the truthful mirror. The voice inside is upset with me. It screams at me, and it never ceases. In the mirror, the face is distorted, strangled, smothered. The reflection shows wide eyes, open mouth…

Is he being suffocated?

He can’t catch his breath, but… I never see what happens. I’m on the floor.

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I don’t think I’m dreaming. It’s all too real.

You’re here, slamming the door in my face. I feel our tension in the air, and you seem so unhappy. What did I say to make you mad at me? It makes me want all the more to take it back and shove it so far back in my memory that it never came out with harsh words. I love you.

And I know you used to love me, too.

What have I become? Does it have to end this way?

Stay with me; I know you want to. You want that comfort you know I give; you taste my kisses every night in your dreams. Have they become nightmares? Hug your pillow tight, sweetheart, and think it’s me. I’ll be gone for just a little while. I’ll come back to you; I’ll find you.

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Something’s wrapped around me, and I can’t get loose. I’m trapped; trapped and cornered, like a beaten dog. The sheets come undone as I scamper to the mirror. I need reassurance, I need proof.

Whipped until there’s nothing left of me. Nothing left but my will to hope and dream you’re in my arms. Am I going crazy? Or did I just see your smile… behind me? No, you can’t be. An illusion, all of it is. I’m crazy, I’m fucking crazy.

Maybe this gun will clear things up a bit. There it is, lying so innocently on the dresser.

Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.

A steady rhythm sounds faster and faster in my brain until I silence it, finally picking up the shiny weapon. I’ll sleep well tonight. Sleep well.

Help me… help me… Chester…

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The mirror… it’s my only connection. The reflection put its hand to the glassy barrier. Inside, the man’s eyes are drained and bloodcurdling. The horrid expression he carries will haunt me for days to come. I can’t comprehend; why is he the way he is? What does he want with me? Why am I bound to an image with no relation? This can’t be me.

It takes my breath away. His mouth is slightly open, and it makes him look maniacal. What can he possibly want with me? He’s scaring me, and I want to leave, but something is making me stay… What’s with the taunting, can’t it just leave me alone? He’s showing me happiness on the other side, asking why I threw it all away.

But I didn’t, I scream. I didn’t!

Obviously you did, it jeers, making me feel all the more foolish and idiotic. You had a good thing going and you threw it in the trash. What’s wrong with you?

The man in the mirror thrashes around wildly, screaming at me and threatening me with ridiculous warnings. His hands are covering his ears, but nothing helps anymore. The voice is within. The voice is screaming, get a grip, boy; it’s far too late to apologize. You’re ride home has wrecked.

No, no, no… Where’d he go? Why’d he leave me?

Am I crazy? God, I’m fucking crazy.

Those bullets look mighty friendly now. Innocently enough, the gun glimmers in the sun shining through the window, and the wind blows the curtains open. I feel the air blow through my hair, entangled in it, brushing across my face, and into my dry mouth. My tongue swirls in my mouth eccentrically, rubbing against my knife-like teeth. They’re smooth and undeniably jagged.

I feel faint as I drag myself to the window. More of the wind welcomes itself into my mouth, and it tastes like… someone familiar. Someone, like… you. Now I’m delusional. That’s what I am. That’s what you left me for. You left me for illusions. You left me a tortured, mangled creature within these walls, and I’ll never be free; not without you.

I need you; can’t you see that, damn it?

I need you so fucking bad. There you are, walking through the door this very moment. Yes, I know it’s an illusion. So are the words; but that doesn’t make them seem any less true. You’re gone because of me. You left because I wasted your time. It was all a mistake. Why’d I let you get to me? Why did this all happen? I promised you the sun and everything it shines on. But you just had to have the shadows, and that was one thing my heart could not loan. That was one thing I could not reach out and get for you. The string was cut, and you were out the door – after slamming it in my face.

I promised you… but someone once told me that promises were meant to be broken.

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I feel the light burning into my skin, radiating its heat onto my sickly flesh. I open my eyes to see a globe of yellow surrounded by black. It’s burning into my brain; it’s hard to distinguish the source, but my mind believes it’s you.

You, my love…

I know it’s inevitable to always believe it’s you; to finally come to grips with your undeniable way to forgive and forget. But this is always one thing I regret, because at the end of it all, I’m lead to disappointment’s hideaway.

They’re calling you. Respond, you worthless –

No, I cry. No, get away! I can make it on my own, I can –

Shut up. You’re crazy. You’re insane. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

What did they say? You’re name? You’re health? You need a doctor?

Obviously they don’t know anything. I’m perfectly fine…

Who are you kidding? You’re a wreck. You destroyed yourself; you’ve shut yourself from the outside world. You’re not well.

Why is there a flashlight blinding me? What do they want? They want to help me? Don’t they know I’m beyond help? I’m beyond receiving help from anyone but my dearest…

Something wraps around me; I feel trapped again, and I’m terrified. Struggling, I break free, running to the opposite side of my cage. I’m an animal, a ruthless animal, ready to rip someone’s head off if they dare come at me again. Inevitably, one darts for me and I aim for the appendage coming at me with hesitation. I see my teeth marks and I hear his cries of pain. I taste blood… in my once desiccated maw. Dripping down my teeth, I bring my fingers up to investigate.

While I’m preoccupied, they catch me from the back, and I try my best to weasel my way out again. I’m not so lucky. Wait… the gun? No, I couldn’t. Pick it up…

I reach for it blindly, hoping it’s near. Someone catches me in the act and steals it away from my eager hand. You fool. That was your last chance for freedom. Why didn’t you do it sooner?

But I don’t want to die…

So many things I never told him…

He doesn’t care, it says.

No! Shut up; he cares! He cares about me! He loves me!

No… loved.

God damn it, I’ll kill you, someone says. The others look at me, mortified. That wasn’t me… was it? What do they want again? I can’t remember; why did they come? They want to help? They must be crazy.

But I can’t get away… There’s four of them, and one of me.

I’m one lonely, stubborn son-of-a-bitch.

Listen, someone says. Listen to me. The person’s eyes are drilling into mine, wrenching my will away. I’m forced to look as I feel pressure on my cheeks. Fuck. Listen, we’re here to help…

Fuck if you are, I’ll be okay, I shout. Hot tears are rolling down my captured face. I’m okay, get away! Who are they? What do you want with me?

Michael, chill, a different voice sounds. Please, you need help. Look at you!

Crying? Is someone crying? It’s not me, is it?

Where is he, I ask. I need to see his face!

My eyes follow a long arm with a finger pointing to a hole in the wall. That dreaded doorway, the one that I’ve never set foot past in eight weeks. A shadow; what does it want? Whose does it belong to? Can it be…?

My arms are flailing wildly at my sides, trying to twist free from captive hands. For a few seconds, I’m free, but then they’ve got me back on the ground. My eyes roll in the back of my sockets, tired of struggling. I use my feet to get my point across, and I’m finally liberated. After I’m on my feet, I don’t know what to do with them, so I crumble to the floor like a rag doll.

Sing it for me; I can’t erase the stupid things I say, I sing with a hoarse tone. You’re better than me; I struggle just to find a better way. The tears are back in my eyes, threatening to fall.

I hear a distressed call in the doorway. Michael, it says timidly. He gasps as the team holds me down again, hands behind my back as I’m down on my knees. I hear him weeping not too far from me.

Don’t cry, sweetheart, I beg. Don’t cry…

Don’t be frightened. Help me, Chester… help me…

Help me…

He walks my way, and bending to my level, he reaches out his hand and rests it on my cheek. My face has become rough and coarse, replacing the baby smooth skin with serrated stubble. I lean into the comfort and my mouth is dry – no words can describe to him how it feels to be in his presence again.

Chester, baby… I miss his caress. I miss his warm lips against my own. I beg him to touch me, to feel that I’m real, to convince me this isn’t just another sick fantasy. Touch me… I need to feel you… His hand wanders up to my hair, running his angelic fingers through it gently.

So here we are, fighting and trying to hide the scars…my angel sings to me. He sings and I must be in heaven. Did I die and go to Heaven yet? Is he waiting for me there? Or am I in hell – is this a bitter joke? Is he going to be snatched away from me again?

I pull my hand from my restraint and reach out – is he real, too? Am I even real anymore?

I feel him; he’s something tangible I can grip. No… maybe he’s another pillow in another restless dream on another distressing night; another dream where I am the evil disgracing his saintly skin. I am the shadow he longed for, yet it’s killing me to be so; therefore I must melt in the sun. My face is already grotesque enough.

Coming to that realization, I turn my face away. If it really is him, I can’t let him see me this way. I’m hideous. But he pressures my face towards his once again. Is it really you?

Of course it’s me, you whisper. I hear heavy breathing coming from nearby lips. Mine, probably. The heartbeat in my chest is out of control. It needs relief… it needs Chester…

Chester, I groan. I’m sorry…Please, I implore, please… help me…

Help you? Michael… No, don’t cry, angel…

Tears run down his sodden, sullen, yet beautiful features. My hand is there to catch them before they land on the knee of his jeans. I yank my other wrist free of incarceration and fall into him, knocking him down.

I sob into his chest, and my arms are strung around his waist. He cradles my head in his arms near his face, gently kissing my forehead. Baby, I didn’t mean… he sighs. I didn’t mean to leave you like this… Please forgive me…

My eyes open, I see a face. For once, it’s not one of a frenzied lunatic – nothing can compare to his face. It’s not wild and it’s not appalling. It’s stunning.

I can’t lose you again, I can’t, I can’t…

Shhh, you say, soothing me as you rub my back. Promise me you’ll try to leave it all behind…he sings again. Ah, that voice brings my insanity back intact. ‘Cause I’ve elected hell lying to myself. Why have I gone blind? Live another lie… you…

No more thoughts of deranged men beyond the barrier of sanity. No thoughts of blood and pain. No more suicidal thoughts with gun in hand. No more… no more…

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Wake up. A new day is dawning. I reach out on either side of me. Where… where is he? I knew it. You knew it. It was nothing but a sick dream, a rip-off from your reality. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m crazy. Nothing can cure a crazy person.

I can think of one thing…

Gun… Shiny, innocent gun placed on the dresser. Fuck the shadows, fuck the sun. Fuck it all I ever tried to give him. He never cared about me; I was just too blind by the sun to see it. The gun rests firmly on my temple, and ironically, I’m not scared. I have a strange sense of peace, and my hand makes ready for take-off. Should I say goodbye to the mirror? He might miss me… No, sometimes solutions aren’t so simple. Goodbye’s the only way…

Goodbye, Chester. For you, the sun will set for you. You can have your fucking shadows.

Wait, wait, wait, I don’t think I’m ready. But my fingers don’t think so. I act before I lay down the consequences in front of me.

No! No? Mike! Chester? Mike! Fuck. He’s… here.

He’s really fucking here.

Too fucking late now, isn’t it? Damn.

My face contorts with ache as I see him emerging from the bathroom. I mouth something unexpectedly. But my fingers have already decided my fate. He shouts, I shoot – I fall to the floor instantly.

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Help me, Chester… Help him? He’s got a fucking gun to his head! I start running to prevent him from what he’s doing. I sprint ruthlessly and my legs certainly don’t appreciate me right now. Fuck, this isn’t about me; Mike’s going to fucking shoot himself!

No! I scream. Mike! There’s a look of pain on his face, like he was unaware of something.

Mike!

Bang.

I stop in mid-dash. I’m frozen, horrified… horror-struck.

No… no… no…

He’s on the floor. Mike! He’s not moving. Mike!

I slowly bend down to his motionless body; his beautiful, lifeless body. God…

I carefully cradle his head in my hands, straining to compose myself. It’s useless. I break down unbearably. I beat my fist on his dead chest, hoping to revive him by beating him senseless. It’s a pathetic sight.

I curse at him for being stupid.

Was it really that unbearable to have me back?

Before I passed out, I remembered holding his head close to my beating heart, kissing his cold, dead lips, and asking him why he didn’t save a bullet for me.

end.

I was feeling all… blah… so I wrote this at like, midnight. Sorry if it’s depressing. Could you leave me a review? Might make me feel better. =]

Songs: “Here We Are” and “You” by Breaking Benjamin, respectively.

© Disengaged