Title: Softly

Author: Noda

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Summary:Which resons lead Mike to this abyss, he now wants to jump down?

Typ: Standalone

Disclaimer: Linkin Park is not mine. Never have and never will. (Can´t have everyting *pout*)

And sorry for my mistake, first english FF.

____________________

It hurts...

Sure, for you it was very painful too. Fuck, you are who hit me, not the other way around! So, tell me why it is you, who is hurt and lonely now?

You knew about my past. My abuse relationship with my ex-lover! The special way he loves me, back then. This, Chester, I call pain. I think I lost my mind when my ex turns from a loving, caring person into a monster. When the impact of his first collide whit my slim form went into a daily routine for both of us.

Hopefully, what I am about to do, isn’t equal painful. However, I want do release my heart from all the memories about pain first. Slowly I take the piece of paper and cut all words about pain out. One small paper shred floats with the air.

…I let old grief took over you…

All the hidden grief went back in to me in about half a second. The way your fist connects whit my cheek. Briefly your beautiful face turn into my nightmare. I see him instead of you. Then begged me for my forgiveness ,when the deep of this accident becomes clear.

“A mistake.”

This is that you call it and part of me believes you. The other one scream at me to run as fast as I can. When I stay, you will turn into a monster too.

The unmistakable indication of grief shows on my face. A lonely tear, one of thousands in my life. Again, I take the scissors into my shaky hands. Two small paper shreds slide above the ocean.

…I’m sorry!

I am too Ches! I’m so sorry. Maybe for even meeting you and let you become part of the band and my life. I repent that you after all are my world. I cannot life without you at my side. Therefore, the only escape for this pain to stop is the cliff ahead of me. Fifty meters high. Perfect.

How I wish, the fatal evening last week hasn’t happened. Then we would sit on our large

Couch, in the new house that we bought together, in this moment. Like always, I would lie in your strong jet soft arms. Your snowlike skin against my chocolate tan. How I love this contrast.

In the last days I went to the conviction, that the pain you cause me with that hit wasn’t that bad. I would take you back in a blink of an eye impact. But I ruined everything when, I scream at you:

“I don’t love you anymore and I don’t want to see your face near me Chester Charles Bennington!”

My tears soak into your letter, in my hands. The faint smell of your scent fills my nostrils. If I could smell this scent again. Not from a peace of paper, but you! Nevertheless, it’s impossible, so I let the blade slide through it. Three small paper shreds float underneath the water surface.

I will never stop loving you…

Oh, if only I could believe in your words. After all, you must hate me for leaving you like that. Only because you accidentally hit me. But today I’m not even sure, that you really love me. That your tenderness and kisses meant the same for you, as for me. I know, it’s all just in my head, cos back when we where together, there were no questions about our love. Once you tell me in a cold night:

“What am I without you Mike? Nothing! With you, I am everything! I am complete. Because of this feeling, I love you even more then words can describe.”

You’re better without me, I can tell. See how fucked up everything is! I love you, too. And I cannot go on a minute, in this hell alone.

I wipe all the tears off my face awkwardly. I’m not allowed to cry! This is my own fault. Then the scissors went again in the paper. All this painful words that you write in the handwriting of yours, I cut out. Before I want to end my life, these words of love and caring will end, too. Four small paper shreds sink into the deep ocean.

…trust me?

I want. I want so bad to trust you, when you say it was an accident. Nevertheless, trust is so easy to break. Your letter and the last seven days, fife hours and forty-three minutes were hell, in this point you can trust me and that I’m really sorry for leaving. In addition, I am indeed sorry for not wanting to make love with you. Because this is the reason you hit me. In the year, we have a secret relationship, we never experience that last step. The fear took over us. Your bad past, my last abusive lover. It would be a big step for both of us. You doesn’t urge me. We just play around like the other times. Lying on your soft, big bed and making out a little. When things get hearted, your hand went down in my boxer and suddenly a start to scream. There was an overwhelming fear in my chest to disappoint you. I couldn’t stop to scream, so you hit me. I can trust you, but you can’t trust me.

The sun begins to rise on the horizon. A new morning. My last. The first sunbeams warm up my frozen body and let the dark thoughts wash away for my head. The loud cry of a sea gull brings me back to reality. Five small paper shreds hit the bottom of the sea.

…dying inside.

You internally. I in my whole being. I hope you can forgive me, sometimes. I´ll miss your sweet, sleepy face in the morning next to me. Also your touch, your smile and your unbelievable voice. I can’t say what awaits me after death, but when I can keep this happy memories of you by me, I’m even happy in hell.

My tears die down and I concentrate on your letter again. I don’t want to die. I want to be with you! I want the letter to be true desperately, that you really want me back. There is no way this could happen! For the last time I cut your statement from the paper. Six small paper shreds, forever lost.

Now I want to follow Chesters letters way in a better world.

Flying in the air…

Sliding over the ocean…

Floating under the sea surface…

Sinking into the black…

Hitting the sand…

And be lost forever.

Slowly I rise from my sitting position, in the cold grass. The sun greets me now warmly with her full size. I drag my body one last time in a standing position. A small smile crosses my face. One step closer to the edge. I love this song. Softly I speak my last words:

“I love you Chester!”

With this sentences spoke, I take my last step towards the sun and spread my arms.

But something stops me. A pair of warm arms wrapped around my middle.

The End