thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. extra thanks to red for beta-ing. any mistakes are clearly all her fault ;)

[ Chapter Thirteen ]

“Good Morning.”

Had anyone else said this to me, with the exception of Brad, then I might have been able to summon a small smile, perhaps raise my head and even, with a bit of luck, respond with a cheery ‘Hello’ or a murmur of ‘Hey’.

However as far as I was concerned, Phoenix who was currently standing in front of me, did not merit such acknowledgement. That’s why I continued to stare at the slightly torn copy of the morning’s local paper, my eyes fixated to the review that had been printed about last nights gig.

Papa Roach were full of energy, the ho-hum nicknamed singer Coby Dick delighting the crowd with his powerful voice, a performance which put the opening act’s lacklustre performance much to shame. Chesney, lead singer of Hybrid Theory failed to hit the notes that even a patient recovering from having their tonsils removed could have managed. The band were shoddy, mismatched and gave the impression they’d rather be at home getting stoned and watching Ricky Lake than rocking shows. There was however one small glimmer of hope (beside Chesney’s glittering eye make up) and that came in the form of Mike Shinoda, Japanese and timid looking but a menace on the guitar - when he could be bothered to put in more than minimal effort. But back to Papa Roach…

I folded the article up and placed the paper on the floor, still very much aware that Phoenix was standing above me with his arms folded. I rubbed my eyes from behind my glasses and opened the next paper that Joe had handed me earlier on in the morning when I’d appeared from the bathroom in clean clothes and flopped down on the bed.

“Could you just stop reading for one minute?”

“Nope.”

“Chester you’re acting like a child.”

“Define ‘child’,” I retorted, my eyes halfheartedly glancing over an article about the possibility of sending cats into space, dropping them from a shuttle and trying to find out whether or not they landed on their feet after falling from such a height.

“Will you just look at me?”

I sighed heavily and folded the paper up, dropping it to the floor before I looked up, my eyes glaring right into Phi’s.

“I’m sorry, okay?” He sighed as if it was such a big deal for him to have to actually apologise in the first place for what he’d done to me. Perish the thought.

“Actually it isn’t okay,” I snapped.

“Well in that case can we talk about it?”

I shrugged. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to do anything.

Phoenix sighed again before he hesitantly sat down beside me. I instinctively drew my arms around my body, flinching when he rested a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry how things have turned out. I still… I still feel a lot for you.”

“Is that why you fucked that girl?”

Phoenix paled and slowly withdrew his hand.

“She barely looked fifteen,” I continued.

“Can we at least stay friends?”

I shrugged my shoulders again. Like I mentioned, I really wasn’t in the mood to talk. Trying to make that obvious to a guy I was fast realising thought the world revolved around him was a hard thing to do.

“Does that mean no?” He asked casually.

“I don’t know Phi. Do you realise how much you’ve hurt me? You can’t even begin to imagine,” I drifted off, biting my nails as my words hung in the air.

“What?” Phoenix frowned as I stared back at him.

“I think we should maybe stay away from one another,” I whispered, turning away from him.

I folded my arms under my head, clutching the sheets as Phi rested his hand against the small of my back.

“And that means not touching me,” My shaky voice told him.

“I don’t want that. And I don’t think you do either.”

“It’s for the best.”

“Chester stop being so overdramatic. I know I’ve hurt you and I am so, so sorry. Just,” he paused, “Just tell me what I can do to make things better.”

“Leave me alone.”

“I don’t want to do that,” Phi sighed, “Will you just look at me?”

I shook my head.

“Chester!”

I hissed as Phi grabbed my arm, yanking me so that I was forced to face him. His fingernails dug into my wrists and I winced in pain as he twisted my arm around, bending it forcefully behind my back.

“Please… Phi don’t do this…”

“Just talk to me then!”

“Let go of my arm then I might consider it,” I hissed.

“I’m sorry,” his voice softened, as he knelt down in front of me on the floor, “Just let me know what’s going on in your head. Chester I want to stay but I need to know if that’s what you want too.”

“I want you to be happy, that’s all.”

“That doesn’t answer anything…”

“I want you to let go of me as well.”

Phi flashed a small smile; a sad one at that and his hands let go of my arm. I winced again and sat up, rubbing both arms through the thick jumper I was wearing.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you okay? I‘m sorry, I forgot you’d hurt yourself yesterday. God if Rob hadn‘t been there…”

“I’m fine,” I snapped, though it was obvious I wasn’t. I felt my heart race when Phi paled as he glanced down at his fingers and I followed his gaze, gulping as I saw his fingertips were covered in blood.

Fuck.

“You’re lying. Let me see your arm,” he gushed out, “Shit, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he paused, his hands grabbing mine once again, “Chester?”

“I’m fine,” I whispered, pulling away from his grasp.

“Let me see,” he frowned.

“Honestly, it’s okay…”

Phi’s hand brushed against my sleeve and I could tell by the look on his face; he knew what I’d done.

“Chester…”

“I’m fine!”

“I just want to check. You know those cuts on your arms from yesterday… Are they okay? I didn’t make them worse, did I?”

I shook my head.

“Can I look?”

I shook my head again.

“Chester please,” he begged, grabbing my arm tighter.

“Phi I’m fine,” I hissed, yanking my arm from his clutches.

“So that’s why your arm’s bandaged…”

“…”

Phi squeezed my hands, “Does Mike know?”

“Know what?”

“Don’t play games Chester. I’m not stupid. Does he know?”

“No,” I whispered.

Phi sighed and got to his feet, “I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with you when you’re like this.”

Phi’s words hung in the air and I was left staring at the empty spot where his feet had been - only now he was long gone, the door slammed shut behind him and honestly, I didn’t blame him. I would quite happily flee from me if I had the chance. I lay my head back down and stared ahead at the blank TV screen in the corner of the room. Joe’s KFC bucket rested beside it along with his cell phone and an orange lighter which was sticking out the top of a battered cigarette carton. I frowned because I didn’t even realise Joe had started smoking again. Probably because I’d had my head shoved so far up my own ass to notice anyone else’s problems.

I inwardly kicked myself. What was it that Phi had said about me being overdramatic?

It wasn’t long before the door opened again and I wasn’t surprised to see a pale looking Mike walking inside the room, awkwardly shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants. The same ones he had on last night. He watched me for a few seconds but it felt painfully longer before he finally pushed the door shut behind him. He walked over to me and paused before slowly sitting down next to me, his hand resting on my back. His hair was wet and he no longer smelt of weed but of musky bath oils and shampoo.

“Please… Please tell me Phi’s got it wrong.”

I bit my lip as his worried eyes gazed at me from behind his thick, black-framed glasses. I wanted to lie my way out of this but what was the point? I couldn’t lie to Mike. Not about this.

So I shook my head.

“Come here,” Mike breathed out and I sat up, allowing him to wrap his arms around me.

“Why hey?” He asked as I closed my eyes and buried my head against his chest.

I couldn’t speak; a strangled sob replaced my words and I began to cry, tears relentlessly falling down my cheeks. To put it simply I was a fucking wreck.

“I was wasted. I wanted to justify the way I was feeling. I thought if I hurt myself then at least I’d have an excuse for feeling so much pain. I just.. I wanted to hurt myself because I was so fucking angry.”

Mike pulled away and slid his arm around me, “Angry at what?”

“Myself. I just, it’s everything that’s happened the past few days. I couldn’t cope.”

“And me suggesting we got wasted was hardly the best idea…”

“Hey,” I smiled softly, “It’s not like you held a gun to my head. I didn’t need any persuading.”

Mike nodded.

“How was your night anyway? I’m sorry I upped and left.”

“I don’t really remember much,” Mike blushed, “So I’ll assume it was good. I don’t even have a hangover yet so I’m waiting for that to kick in.”

“I bet it shows up just as we go on stage tonight.”

“Of course. I’ll probably remember what happened then as well.”

“Well, you were getting pretty intimate with Coby…”

“Shit…” Mike closed his eyes, “I didn’t… y’know…”

“What?” I smirked.

“Fuck! I did, didn’t I?”

“Well, let’s just say his hands were down your pants when I left you.”

“Oh Jesus,” Mike shook his head, “I… Okay…” he paused, “Anyway, you’ve completely changed the subject,” he told me sternly, his smile fading so fast like it had never been there in the first place.

“Shit,” I sighed, “Thought you weren’t gonna pick up on that.”

“I did. You don’t do subtle subject changes, remember?”

“I just felt we’d covered everything,” I shrugged, “I mean what more is there to say? I cut my arms to ribbons because I didn’t know what else to do?”

“I should have never suggested you went and talked to him in the first place…”

“Mike it’s not your fault. It happened. It’s over and…”

“I should have been a better friend and not suggested that we go and get trashed. It doesn’t solve anything…”

“Just numbs the pain, right?”

Mike sighed sadly, “Something like that.”

Silence wedged itself between us for a few moments. I felt more and more like I was really in some bad indie film and any moment a director would yell out ‘cut’ and Mike and I would get up and walk outside, preferably into sunshine laden skies and well, all of this shit would turn out to be one fucking bad trip. Or something; anything but reality.

Mike’s soft hand squeezing mine brought me out of my daydream.

“Can I look?” he asked tenderly.

“No,” I uttered, shame washing over me.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Okay,” I whispered, “Okay.”

Mike shifted beside me and I looked away, my gaze settling on the dirty window with an undesirable view of a back alleyway and a collection of battered cardboard boxes stacked up against the wall. I gulped as his cold hands rolled up my sleeves and started to carefully unravel the thick, white bandages that I’d wrapped around in a drunken haste the night before. I bit my lip and slowly gazed down as Mike’s fingers traced over the damage. Thick, red, angry cuts glared back at me, some still seeping with blood, others turning a nasty orange colour. I could feel my stomach churning again.

“Let me clean these up properly,” Mike finally spoke, his hands moving from my wrists to tilt my chin so I was forced to look at him, “You weren’t, y’know…”

Trying to kill myself, I thought and shook my head as the notion swirled around my mind.

“No,” I whispered.

“Prom..”

“I promise you Mike.”

He nodded and got to his feet, pulling me with him. I reluctantly followed him into the bathroom and found myself being pushed gently into the wooden chair that sat beside a dirt-stained bathtub. I shivered as Mike began to root around in the faded green First Aid box that was pinned to the wall. If I could have summoned up the energy to crawl into the bath, close my eyes and never wake up again then dramatic endings aside, I would have done it.

+

“That’s it. That was the fucking second show in a row that you guys completely fucked up.”

“We fucked up? What about you Brad? Are you not including yourself here?”

I stared at the wall in front of me, Brad and Phi’s angry shouts from behind me echoing in my mind. Brad was right. We fucked up. All of us. In fact I’d been off the stage before the set had even ended, my mic having blown and completely cut out. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing in all honesty. I hadn’t cared too much at the time, the crowd had been sparse and those unfortunate enough to be watching had yet again been too drunk to care. I’d crashed off the stage and stumbled down the corridor that led to the dressing room I was sitting in right now. Having almost knocked the door off its hinges I had then proceeded to tear my hoody and t-shirt off, fling them across the room and slam my body into the chair I was sitting in. My breathing had just about returned to normal and I hadn’t moved since.

“We need to get our shit together,” Rocky interjected, “You all fucked up. Jesus, I thought last night was bad enough. This really was the fucking limit. You know that a label rep can just turn up at any point? You do realise that guys? What if they had one here tonight? That’s your asses and mine off this tour. Chester will you fucking turn around and face the rest of us.”

I slowly turned around, scraping my chair noisily along the concrete floor beneath me. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, expectant gazes wanting answers. I could feel them all staring at the blood soaked bandages on my arms. Well, let them start asking questions because quite frankly I was too pissed to even give a damn any more. I hadn’t even sat back down again before Rocky was swooping down on me like a vulture.

“What happened out there Chester? Would you care to enlighten me?”

“My mic fucked up,” I shrugged.

“Bullshit,” Brad growled, “You couldn’t be fucking bothered throughout the whole set.”

“Brad, lay off him,” Phoenix cut in.

“Chester what’s going on? Is something bothering you? Are you sick?” Rocky asked.

I shook my head.

“Are you sure?” Rocky continued, his eyes wavering from my face to my arms, “Want to tell us what happened?”

“I smashed a mirror,” I shrugged, feeling pleased with myself for coming up with at least half the truth. They didn’t need to know the part about me dragging the shards of glass down the insides of my arms.

Rocky nodded. Probably because he didn’t know what to say to me. I started to feel bad. It wasn’t his fault, in fact it was my fault. I’d really fucked up two shows in a row.

“And I’m sorry,” I breathed out, “It won’t happen again,” I paused, glancing at Mike who was sitting cross-legged on the floor, “I swear.”

“Are we talking about slitting your wrists or fucking up the show?” Brad asked with a cocky smile.

“Both,” I replied, my surprisingly calm words drowned out by Mike hurling the glass of water he’d been drinking from in Brad’s direction. It narrowly missed, smashing into thousands of tiny pieces as it connected with the hard floor.

“Watch it Mike, Chester might want to play with the glass… Maybe you could join him?”

“That was fucking low,” Mike hissed, getting to his feet.

“Mike stay here,” Rocky called out.

“No,” Mike snapped, his hand on the door, “If I stay here I might break that fucker’s neck.”

The door slammed shut behind him and I got up from my seat, grabbing my shirt as I stormed out of the room, Rocky’s exasperated face the last thing I saw as the door swung shut behind me. I pulled on my shirt as I raced down the corridor.

“Mike?” I shouted as his shadow slipped around the corner, “Mike wait…” I stopped as I turned the corner, almost smacking into him, “I’m sorry,” I whispered, “I’m sorry I fucked things up.”

“It’s not you,” he shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “I can’t stand the way he talks to you. I just had to get out of there. I’m so fucking…” he paused and covered his face with his hands, “I’m so fucking tired of everything,” he murmured.

I slipped my arms around him, enveloping him in a bear hug, “Me too,” I whispered.

“Hey you two… Oh…”

I looked up to see Coby walking toward us, his smile fading as he reached where we were standing. I pulled away from Mike and wiped my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Everything okay?” Coby asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Just tired that’s all…”

Coby nodded and gazed across to Mike, “Well, if you’re in need of an escape tonight I’ll be around here somewhere,” he smiled softly, “I have to get on stage. I can hear my fans calling me,” he joked, “See you later.”

Of course Mike and I ended up with the rest of Papa Roach, a few random groupies and a lot of flowing alcohol at another motel in another derelict part of another tired city. It was still hot and most people were shirtless, some of the girls who’d been in the crowd earlier on were even pant-less, writhing about with one another to the heavy music that was playing and leaving very little to the imagination.

I turned into the bathroom where I’d left Mike and Coby a few minutes ago when I’d gone in search of beer. I’d already downed several Bacardi Breezers and two glasses of some neon green cocktail. I knew getting drunk wasn’t going to make things better in the long run but I was past caring. I just wanted to forget. I pushed the door shut behind me and placed the crate of beer on the floor that I had just jacked from the corner of the motel room. Mike and Coby were making out in the corner of the bathroom, Coby pinning Mike against the cool tiled floor. I cleared my throat with a smirk as they pulled away and looked up at me with red cheeks and bloodshot eyes.

“Beer?” I asked, sitting down on the floor with a thud. I uncapped a bottle and started to drink it, aware that it was almost half gone by the time Coby sidled over and grabbed himself a bottle.

“Much appreciated,” he laughed out loud, “This is the life hey?”

“It depends, because if you’re drinking to forget like us then maybe it’s not the life,” I deadpanned.

“Is he always this much fun?” Coby asked Mike.

“Believe me this is his fun side,” Mike smiled.

I was too busy downing my bottle of beer to shout a reply so I raised my middle finger up at him instead.

“Here’s to drinking into oblivion,” I finally said, reaching forward and grabbing another bottle.

“Come on man, we should probably call it a night,” Mike sighed, getting to his feet.

“What?!” I asked indignantly, “Since when have you needed beauty sleep? Besides you’re not supposed to be the sensible one.”

“Yeah well,” Mike shrugged, “Just this once I’m going to be.”

“Don’t I get a kiss goodnight?” Coby smiled.

Mike blushed, “You could always come back…”

“If you’re going to have sex…” I started, slamming my empty bottle to the floor and groveling around to pick up another one.

“We can be quiet,” Coby smirked, getting to his feet.

“What?” I frowned, “Can I take this with me?” I asked, motioning to the stack of bottles.

“I think you’ve had enough.”

I gazed up at Mike who swooped down and wrapped his arms under mine, “Come on. You can’t even stand up on your own.”

“I can,” I protested weekly, pushing his arms away and very nearly falling flat on my face.

“Oh you’re funny Chester,” Coby laughed, patting me on the back, “Do you think he’s drunk enough to consent to a threesome?”

“I’m certainly not,” Mike deadpanned, “Come on Chester,” he sighed, wrapping his arm around my waist, “Man I never thought I’d see the day I was carrying you to bed…”

We walked through the smoke-filled room and I remembered thinking how familiar it all looked. Mike’s grip on me tightened as he led me outside despite the fact I was swearing at him to let me go back. A part of me suddenly wanted to say that this was the wrong way around, to ask him when he started being bothered about having too much to drink but I snapped that thought in two, instead berating myself for being such a heartless bastard. He knew I’d tried to kill myself before; he knew how much it hurt to see someone go through that, just like I did too. All he was showing was concern yet in my drunken state all I could do was argue.

We made it to our room and I felt myself being lowered onto my bed, my hands automatically clutching the soft sheets beneath me.

“I’m so tired,” I groaned as Mike pulled off my boots, “I think I drank too much.”

“Well at least you know,” Mike smiled softly, “Go to sleep Chester.”

“Okay,” I heard myself whispering as I pulled a pillow under my head and rolled onto my other side, watching Mike as he walked over to Coby.

“I take it you didn’t bring me back here for coffee,” Coby asked.

Mike simply shook his head.

“Fine,” Coby shrugged, “You want to score. You know what to do.”

I frowned, trying my hardest to focus as Mike nodded his head. Moments later they were both sitting on the edge of his bed, kissing one another; softly at first but then something hungrier seemed to take over and Coby’s hands were clawing their way into Mike’s short hair, pulling him closer.

I closed my eyes, rubbed my head with the palm of my hands. I shouldn’t have drunk anything. I could feel the stinging sensation prickling the back of my throat from one too many Vodka shots. Oh yes, the shots. I’d almost forgotten about them. Mike and I had started them before we’d slipped onto Papa Roach’s tour van in the bar we’d played in. Then Mike had declared he wasn’t going to drink anything else and I had shrugged and picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels that Tobin had passed my way. Then we’d passed around a joint and then we’d arrived at the motel, trying to act sober as we all checked in.

I was either going to feel like shit in the morning or I was going to have one of those awful highs that lasted until mid afternoon the following day when I’d suddenly faint and feel like I’d been hit by a truck.

“Yeah, that’s it. God you know how to work for your… Shit…”

I cracked my eyes open. Mike was on his knees. On the floor. Coby’s hands were wrapped around his head, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. I found myself staring as Mike’s head bobbed back and forth and his fingers dug into Coby’s naked thighs. I couldn’t tear my eyes away until Coby violently shoved Mike’s head back, tugged him to his feet and pulled him down into his lap. At that point I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled the pillow over my head.

“Fuck… Wait… Shit…”

My eyes fluttered open again and I peeked out from under my pillow as Mike’s voice floated around the room. They’d moved; Mike on all fours with his jeans around his ankles; Coby pushing himself inside him as he gripped onto his hips. My throat suddenly felt dry and I held onto the pillow tightly, watching as Coby began to thrust himself in and out, his groans echoing off the walls.

Then I suddenly became aware of a pair of eyes locking with mine but I couldn’t look away. I felt out of breath and clammy and my brain seemed to have forgotten how to function properly. I couldn’t move as Coby’s thrusts got faster and harder and his hands sunk further into Mike’s flesh. I couldn’t stop fucking staring.

Neither could Mike.

“Oh God…”

Coby was hardly quiet as he came and suddenly I was rolling over onto my side, clutching my pillow and hoping that no one could hear how hard my heart was pounding.

A few minutes passed before I heard shuffling around, clothes being put back on, belt buckles clanking as they were done up.

“There you go,” I heard Coby whispering, “That should keep you going for a few days.”

My head felt fuzzy as I rolled onto my back and watched Coby passing Mike a small packet. Mike mumbled something I didn’t quite catch and held the packet in his hands, allowing Coby to plant a soft kiss against his forehead before he left the room. Mike slowly sat down on the bed, still holding the packet in his hands. He raised his head but before I could let him see me watching I shifted onto my side, pulling the sheets around me and closing my eyes.

Fuck.

That’s all I could think.

+

I could hear screaming when I woke up. At first I thought I was still dreaming about being chased by Coby Dick who was brandishing drumsticks and wearing a gold dress. My head felt fuzzy and as I opened my eyes I couldn’t help but laugh. Some fucking dream. Then I heard the screams again; louder this time. I ran a hand through my hair and swung my legs over the side of my bed. The room was spinning around me as I reached for my cell phone to check the time.

Another scream filled my ears, followed by another one and by the time I’d shoved my feet into my boots and grabbed my hoody they were getting even more frantic.

“Mike?” I whispered as I approached his bed, “Mike can you…” I stopped as I peered at the ruffled sheets because he wasn’t there anymore, “Fine. You sneak out on me,” I smiled, glancing at my cell phone, “Even if it is nearly three in the morning…”

I stopped talking. There were more voices now, raised and panicked. I crossed the room and opened the door, stumbling out into the dark corridor where the shouts got louder. I wasn’t sure why I was following them down the corridor, across the courtyard and along the top balcony. I wasn’t sure when I realised who the shouts belonged to because as soon as I saw Brad and Mike facing one another a few yards from me, covered in blood and shaking all my rational thoughts just faded away.

“What’s fucking going on?” I called, my feet striding over the stone floor.

“Oh God,” Brad rolled his eyes, “Go back to bed. Like I told the nosey old man who just came out, this is between Mike and I, no one else.”

“Mike?” I frowned, reaching out tentatively.

“Get the fuck off him,” Brad snarled, slapping my hand away and shoving Mike firmly against the wall.

“No Brad. You get the fuck off him.”

“Guys what’s going on? It’s three in the morning and you’re starting to wake the whole… Fuck…”

I turned around as Rob approached us, his hair disheveled and his shirt pulled on back to front.

“I just got here,” I shrugged, “Whatever you guys are arguing about, how about you come back to our room and sort it out there?”

“Oh you think you can sort everything out?” Brad snapped, swaying slightly.

“Are you drunk?” I hissed, “Fuck Brad just…”

“He had no right to talk to me like that.”

“I said I was sorry,” That was Mike and I frowned as the words tumbled from his lips; his bloodied lips I hasten to add.

“Yeah I’m sure you were. Sorry heh? Sorry for what? Throwing a fucking glass at me or sorry for sticking up for your dear friend here?”

“Okay Brad, that’s enough,” Rob shouted, pushing in front of me and grabbing him by the arms, “We’re going to get you sobered up.”

“Get the fuck off me,” Brad retaliated, shoving Rob forcefully away, so much so that he crashed into the wall with a sickening crunch.

I reached forward and grabbed Mike by the hand.

“You just can’t let us be can you?” Brad yelled, taking Mike by the arm, “What is it with you Chester, huh?”

“Let go of him,” I sighed, “Just let go and go sort yourself out.”

“Oh yeah! Because I’m really the one who needs sorting out, aren’t I? Why don’t you do that yourself Chester?”

“Fuck you…”

“Oh,” Brad laughed, “Did I hit a nerve? Going to go and cut your wrists open now because the pain’s too much to take,” he spat, a manic laugh following his words.

“Shut the fuck up,” Mike growled, “Just get off me and…”

“No, you shut the fuck up,” Brad hissed, tightening his grip on Mike’s arm, “Just go back to bed the pair of you. Mike and I have a few…”

Brad was cut off as Rob swung his fist smack into his face. For a few moments I just stood and stared, my mouth agape as Brad clutched his nose and doubled over in pain. I’d been wanting to see that happen for a very long time.

“I’m sorry man but you fucking asked for that,” Rob panted, “Now can we please go back…”

“You did not just do that.”

“I fucking well did,” Rob was seething by now, “What in God’s name is wrong with you? This is not you Brad. In the future I suggest you lay off the drink.”

I watched as Brad glared back at Rob, blood dripping from his nose. For a while the pair of them just stood there staring at one another and it wasn’t until I cleared my throat that their eyes turned to me.

“Let’s just go back to our room, we can all sit down and talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Brad hissed.

“So why is Mike covered in blood? Why does he look like he’s had enough of your shit?” I asked, stepping closer to Mike, “Are you okay?” I asked him, lowering my voice.

“I’m fine,” He lied, “We’re fine. Honestly. Nothing to worry about whatsoever…”

“Hear that, did you?” Brad asked, his face right in mine when I turned around.

“Just go,” I shook my head, “I think you’ve done enough damage here.”

“Why don’t you go?” Brad snarled, “Mike and I were in the middle of something, weren’t we?”

“Brad just go,” Mike croaked, “You’re making things worse,” he murmured, staring down at the ground.

Brad threw his arms in the air, “Worse? How am I making things worse? It’s these two being here that are making things worse. I just want to talk,” His voice softened, “In private. Now,” he paused, grabbing Mike’s arms and pulling him away from me, “Let’s go and talk.”

“Get off me,” Mike hissed, struggling against Brad’s vice-like grip; Brad however was having none of it and yanked Mike away from the wall, pushing him along the balcony, further, it seemed, away from Rob and I.

“Fuck Brad! ‘The fuck are you playing at?” I yelled, Rob fast behind me as I tried to prize Mike from his angry clutches.

“I said get the fuck away,” Brad screamed, his voice filling me with utter fear. Sure, I’d seen Brad pissed one or two times too many but this just seemed to top them all. His eyes were black as he turned to look at me and I, for some stupid reason, froze to the ground.

And then all I saw was Rob flying forward, Brad knocking him back and losing his clutch of Mike. Everything else happened in slow motion. It was all one big fucking cliché; me running towards Mike but getting pushed aside by Brad who grabbed onto him as I stumbled to the floor. There was a vile taste of blood in my mouth as I got to my feet; quickly replaced with an even stronger taste of fear as Brad’s hands tackled to hold Mike still.

Then speed caught up with us; flashing before my eyes as Brad’s hands connected with Mike’s chest, shoving forcefully, pushing Mike’s body over the edge of the balcony.

Then all I could hear were my blood curdling screams as they bounced off the cold walls behind me.

+

“Do you think we’re going to start getting loyalty points for sitting in hospital waiting rooms? We seem to have been in and out of these places a lot lately…”

“Shut up Phoenix,” Rob tutted from where he sat beside me, holding a crumpled paper bag to my mouth, “Ignore him,” he muttered.

“I’m sorry. I was just trying to lighten the atmosphere.”

“Well don’t bother. Go and call Joe, see if he’s found Brad yet.”

I heard Phi’s sneakers squeaking against the floor as he walked out of the cold room and only opened my eyes when the door clicked shut. The bright lights above me made me squint for a few seconds and I shakily rubbed my hand against the back of my eyes as they adjusted to the invasion of light.

“You okay?” Rob asked.

It was a stupid question but Rob hadn’t meant anything but concern. It’s just that, how could I be okay after watching Mike being pushed over a balcony, after creeping forward and looking over the edge to see his body landing in a swimming pool full of muddy water with a heavy splash? Somehow my legs had managed to carry me down the metal stairwell and somehow I’d managed to jump in and pull him out. I could still taste the dirt in my mouth as I’d struggled and spluttered through the water and dragged him to safety. I could still feel the utter fear that had hammered through my entire body as I’d blown air into his mouth and begged him to open his eyes.

“Chester?”

I simply nodded and Rob moved the paper bag away, the one he’d been using to help me breathe ever since we’d arrived in the hospital, shaking, out of breath and full of tears.

That had been over three hours ago and there was still no word on Mike. I coughed and leant my head against Rob’s shoulder, closing my eyes again. My ears stung from the loud ambulance sirens.

“I’ll wake you when there’s some news.”

“I can’t sleep,” I shook my head and reopened my eyes as the door opened.

“Think there’s someone here to see you,” The young doctor that had been treating Mike smiled as he pushed a pale looking, wheelchair bound Mike through the door.

I was instantly on my feet, rushing over to him and gently wrapping my arms around him as I crouched down. He felt freezing and I could feel his heart hammering away as I held him against me. I really didn’t want to let go.

“Oh God,” I whispered, “Are you okay?”

I felt him nodding his head in response and pulled away, my eyes scanning over his bruised cheek; his split lip.

“He’s fine,” The Doctor started, “Luckily for him that he fell into a swimming pool that was actually full of water. It cushioned his fall so when he landed the impact was pretty harmless,” he paused, making motions with his arms, “It looks like he hit his chest at some point on the way down which would explain why he lost consciousness. You did well though Chester, if he’d had been in the water any longer,” he paused again, “Well,” he stopped and cleared his throat, “X-rays came back just fine. Mike just has some bruising to the ribs for which I offered to prescribe some painkillers.”

I gulped as that memory came flashing back.

“But he’s refused to take them,” he shrugged, “He’s also decided to discharge himself despite the fact I wouldn’t mind him staying in for observation. Just make sure you take it easy,” he told Mike, “Now if you’ll excuse me.”

“Uhh, sure,” I stuck my hand out, “Thank you.”

He smiled and left the room, an eerie silence filling his place.

“I’ll go call Rocky,” Rob suddenly spoke, brushing past me, “I’m so glad you’re okay man,” he told Mike but as the tears began to pour down his face once Rob’s footsteps were fading down the corridor it was clear that Mike was anything but okay.

“What the fuck happened back then?” I found myself frantically asking.

“I don’t…”

“Please Mike, just tell me.”

“I went out for some fresh air. I did some coke and my head was feeling a bit woozy. Brad was outside, he’d seen Coby leave and, well, he just wanted to warn me to stay away from him. Apparently he’s a bad influence… We argued and I was trying to walk away just as you turned up…”

“He’s got no right to tell you who you can and can’t associate with. So what, he used his fists again?”

“No,” Mike shook his head, “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then how’d you come to get blood all over you before you were pushed?”

“I tripped,” he uttered, “I was running away from Brad because I was scared. I tripped over.”

“Why didn’t you just come back to our room?”

Mike shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Fuck Mike. I didn’t think I was going to see you again,” I whispered, “Not breathing anyway…”

“Apparently you saved me,” he murmured, swatting his tears away.

“Yeah. Kiss of life and everything…”

Mike slowly began to chuckle.

“What?!”

“I had Coby’s dick in my mouth…”

“I know,” I smiled.

“You were watching.”

I felt myself blushing, “I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

“That’s a shame.”

I frowned, “What do you mean…”

“I found Rocky outside,” Rob was standing in the doorway, “You ready?”

It was a good few months before I found out exactly what Mike had meant.

+

It was funny, in a non hysterical way, that twenty-four hours previous to that moment Mike had been attending to my sorry wounds. He’d been sitting on some cold bathroom floor with me in his arms, holding me whilst I’d explained the anger that had ripped through me and made me slash my arms to pieces.

Then all of sudden, barely a day later, the pendulum had swung back around and there I was holding him and trying to make him believe that things would be okay. The thing is that neither of us could quite keep hold of the little amount of hope we could find.

And so that tour continued, stumbling by in a drunken blur and a sleepy blanket of drugs and illicit sex. We sang our hearts out night after night for the remaining shows, channelling all our feelings into each performance and then we stayed up all night partying like animals or getting stoned out of our minds. We knew it was a case of pure reckless abandonment but we were too low; too far gone to care. The drink, the drugs? They were our only salvation. Or so we were fooling ourselves.

TBC…