a/n: thank you to everyone who reviewed and thank you to red for letting me pop her beta cherry and shifting the shit =) On with the drama-o-rama...

[ Chapter Twelve ]

“Get that fucking thing out of my face.”

“Oh calm down Joseph, you big baby.”

“Baby? Fuck off with it already.”

“I mean it.”

“Rob stop being an asshole. Joe stop being a pussy…”

“Excuse me!”

“Brad stop staring holes into Mike and Mike, stop staring holes into Brad. Where the hell is Chester?”

I pulled the covers tighter over my head. I didn’t care that I was supposed to be in the front of the bus with the others because Rocky, who was at yet another seedy diner collecting us breakfast, was about to give us yet another lecture. I didn’t care that I’d been shouted at by everyone bar Mike and Phoenix because I apparently wouldn’t move my ‘lily ass’. I just didn’t fucking care.

“Chester? Chester stop being a diva and get your ass out here!”

“Don’t shout at him Rob,” I heard Phoenix saying.

I wanted to laugh at that point. How could he of all people say that? I wanted to yell some sarcastic comment but I couldn’t even summon the energy to open my mouth. Tonight’s show was going to be a fucking blast, wasn’t it?

“Chester?”

I groaned and hid my head under my pillow as Mike poked his head into the confines of my bunk. He obviously wasn’t taking my hints that I wanted to be left alone as he sat down beside me.

“Chester come on,” he sighed, “You know I hate having to drag your ass out of bed. I will do it though so I hope to God you’ve got some clothes on under there.”

“I’m tired,” I mumbled.

“We all are, fuck, you should see Joe. He’s so grumpy this morning it’s not even funny. He makes the Grinch look nice.”

“I know. I heard him yelling. He woke me up. Inconsiderate asshole.”

“God you’re such a ray of light this morning aren’t you?”

“Is it any wonder?”

“Look, I don’t want to sit around in this fucking band meeting any more than you do but--”

“I’m going to be sick,” I gasped suddenly as I felt a sharp pain sparking inside my stomach.

“Yeah I was going to pretend to be bedridden to escape it too but I think it‘s probably a good idea if we do all talk about things…”

“No, really,” I moaned, flinging my bed sheets off me, “I’m really gonna be sick.”

I scrambled past Mike; through the kitchen, ignoring the puzzled gazes from the rest of my band mates as I raced out of the van, barely feeling the sharp gravel beneath my bare feet as I threw up in a nearby trash can. This, I thought to myself as I straightened up and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, was not good. I’d not eaten a thing for over twenty-four hours and as I started to stumble back to the van I could feel my stomach growling in protest.

Mike was on the steps, a frown upon his face and he grabbed onto my wrist as I shuffled past him and stepped back onto the van. His hand felt clammy against my skin and I had to rub my eyes to try and even focus on him. I managed to focus enough to see that his hair was a complete mess and his glasses were sliding down on his nose.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I could hear the others inside; Joe and Rob still bickering as Brad made some comment that I’m sure was being hurtled in my direction.

“I’m fine,” I nodded.

“You don’t look fine,” Mike sighed, “In fact you…”

“Look like shit?” I finished for him, “I know.”

“Did you get any sleep?”

“No.”

“Ah, good morning Mr. Bennington. I see you finally summoned yourself from bed.”

I glanced behind Mike as Rocky strolled over to us, his arms cradling coffee cartons and paper bags. I was not in the mood for his sarcasm. In fact, I was not in the mood for anyone. I wanted to go back to the safety of my bunk and its faded green bed sheets. I wanted to lay my head down on the lumpy pillow that I couldn’t seem to sleep without these days.

Sadly, that wasn’t an option because as I’d come to learn there was no such thing as escaping when you’re living with six other people in a van. So instead I turned away from Rocky and put my head down as I walked through the van, stopping by my bunk to search for some clothes. I could hear hushed tones as words were exchanged between Rocky and the others and gazing back I watched Mike slip into the empty seat next to Joe. He caught my eye and smiled softly but even that couldn’t cheer me up. I turned away and noisily rummaged through my bag, cursing and throwing things about until I found a pair of clean pants. Rocky was calling me by the time I’d pulled them on and grabbing a shirt that I had a slight feeling might actually be Mike’s and not mine, I stumbled back into the front of the van.

“Shit Chester,” Rob uttered, his mouth hanging open and his bagel-filled hand poised in the air, “Dude you look fucking awful.”

I stared back at everyone else who seemed to be wearing the same look of shock, except for Brad who just showed the usual disdain. Rocky’s eyes were glued to my arms and I slowly looked down at them, gulping as my eyes met with the deep scratch marks that littered my pale skin.

“Okay,” Mike spoke, “Do you guys want to stop staring now?”

“Eh, yeah Chester come and sit down. Grab something to eat,” Rocky told me, waving me over to the space beside Brad.

I sat down with a thud and stared at the bagel that had been pushed toward me. Not only was I not hungry, I was also sitting next to Brad. I wondered if the day was going to get any fucking shittier. Then, of course, it did.

“Wow,” Brad muttered, just loud enough for me to hear, “I didn’t realise you were into self harm.”

“Brad!” Rob gasped.

“It suits you,” Brad smirked as I slowly lifted my head to look at him.

“Fuck you,” I hissed, “At least I’m not doing it to someone else.”

“…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rob asked with a frown as I picked up my bagel and looked up at Mike who had turned deathly pale.

“Forget it,” I whispered.

“Right. We need to talk,” Rocky interjected conveniently before I felt the need to swing my fist into Brad’s face, pummel him a few times then ram my fucking bagel down his throat.

Mike was staring back at me and I felt my heart pang. I gazed back, mouthing sorry but I could tell it wasn’t quite cutting the mustard. I looked away, casting my eyes across to the cupboard door that was slightly ajar. I wasn’t even listening to Rocky, just wondering how much more of this I could take.

“Chester?”

I snapped my head back, eyes tearing themselves away from the empty chip packet that was peeking out of the cupboard door. Rocky looked exasperated and I couldn’t blame him. He sighed and took a sip of his coffee before placing the Styrofoam cup firmly back down onto the table.

“Okay we need to talk about a few things. I know the past few weeks have been intense and I know that this tour is a lot more serious than the times we’ve driven around looking for pubs and bars that are willing to let us play a gig. And I know that the past twenty-four hours in particular have been especially hard for some of us,” he paused and stared right at me, “But you guys are supposed to be friends. Right now you’re not acting like friends. I told you already that I don’t want to referee your arguments but sadly I care too much to turn a blind eye. As your manager I’m going to ask you to all sit here and talk to one another. You guys are a fucking class act on stage. You go together so well, I think you need to start doing that off stage as well.”

Everyone lapsed into silence as Rocky’s speech ended. I half thought about clapping but sat on my hands instead. Phoenix was staring at his watch. Rob was fiddling with his coffee cup. Joe just stared into space and Brad and Mike just stared at each other. I sighed and cleared my throat.

“I’m sorry about what happened yesterday.”

Rocky smiled, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Well that went well,” Brad grinned.

“Brad,” Rocky sighed.

“Look, he’s okay,” Phoenix spoke, “Aren’t you?”

“No I am not okay,” I whispered staring right into his eyes.

“Then… Maybe you should talk about it? I mean, if it helps?” Rob asked meekly.

“There’s nothing to say.”

“No offence Chester,” Joe cut in, “But yesterday you ran out in front of a truck and if it hadn’t had been for Rob you’d be dead. You look like death warmed up today, you were crying non-stop last night, your face is covered in bruises and we’re fucking worried about you. Okay?”

I looked down at my lap. I placed my hands there. I sat and stared at them and willed the tears that were pricking the corners of my eyes to fuck off. Thankfully they did and I finally plucked the courage to raise my head.

“I just had some bad news,” I croaked, “Nothing serious though. I flipped out and I’m sorry but there’s nothing to worry about. Honest.”

“It was my fault,” Phoenix sighed.

“Oh yes, I forgot to mention that,” I glared at him, “Phoenix is leaving the band.”

“He’s what?”

Everyone except Mike, Phoenix and myself sat with their mouths open. Even Brad looked shocked. It made a nice change from disinterested, disgusted or not amused; the only other expressions available in his catalogue.

“That was the bad news,” I shrugged, “Phoenix who I thought was one of my closest friends is leaving the band because The Snax have been snapped up by a major label. And the best part is that I’m so fucking hurt that he couldn’t tell me about this that I can’t even find it in me to be happy for them.”

“Fuck,” Joe uttered, “Is this… Phi is this true?” he asked and finally everyone’s eyes shifted from my frame to his.

“Yeah,” he sighed, “Yes. It’s true.”

“And at what point were you going to tell us?”

It was his turn to lose the will to speak, to stare at his hands and want the ground to swallow him whole. I wondered if the ground could cope with absorbing his huge fucking pack of lies.

“It’s not a definite thing,” Phi finally spoke, raising his head to meet everyone’s somewhat questioning glances.

“That’s not what…”

“They’ve been signed. And they want me back. I’m still thinking it over.”

“Well, there’s a surprise,” Brad spoke scathingly, “Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the past, how many years?”

“Look I’m sorry,” Phi uttered, “I really am.”

“Yeah, you look it,” Brad hissed.

“Look,” Rocky sighed, glancing at his watch, “We’re going to have to leave if we want to stand any chance of getting to tonight’s venue on time. We’ll talk about this later,” he looked at Phoenix before getting to his feet, “So please, no killing each other.”

“When were you going to tell us?” Brad asked as Rocky slipped into the front of the van and started up the engine.

Phoenix sighed and ran a hand over his head, “I don’t know,” he shrugged.

“Oh I think you do,” Brad pointed out, “You were just going to fuck off without a word, weren’t you? And then what? We just happen to see you and your goofball band on MT-fucking-V?”

“Dude it’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like?”

“Yeah, come on man,” Rob spoke up, “We need to know where we stand.”

“Okay, okay. I’m probably leaving when we finish touring.”

I closed my eyes as the temperature around me seemed to suddenly drop. I couldn’t see their faces but I could sense the others were feeling just as shocked and sickened and utterly pissed off by this whole thing.

“Well, that went down like a lead balloon,” Mike pointed out.

“Look, we all knew this was coming,” Rob spoke, “Let’s be rational here.”

Rational? I wanted to laugh but instead opened my eyes and shook my head in disbelief. Phoenix was still staring at his fucking hands, looking guiltier than Judas.

“Well,” Rob shrugged, “I’m sorry you’ve decided to leave us but,” he paused, sensing that no one else was really on the same page as him, well I certainly wasn’t.

“Sorry?” Brad echoed, “Are we?”

“Yeah,” Rob nodded.

“Speak for your fucking selves. We’re royally screwed because we have an album to record and no bass player to…” Brad’s voice drifted off because Rob’s eyes were on me.

Come to think of it, so were Joe’s. And Mike’s. And…

“No fucking way,” Brad and I spat in unison.

“Oh. My. God! Did you two just agree on something?!” Rob laughed.

“Fuck you,” I snapped, “If you think I’m playing bass then…”

“You can do it over my dead body,” Brad interrupted.

“Come on,” Rob’s expression softened, “He’s not that bad.”

“He has a name,” I snarled.

“And he’s fucking dire,” Brad chided.

“And I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves here,” Joe interjected.

“We are?” Rob frowned.

“Yeah. You really want to let Phoenix just leave us?” he asked, casually taking a sip from his coffee which was surely stone cold by now.

“Joe I’ve made up my mind.”

“And there’s nothing we can do to change it?”

“I don’t think there is…”

“Well at least think about it.”

“Joe that’s what he’s been doing since he joined us,” Brad groaned, “He’s making the wrong decision but at least he’s made one.”

“True,” Rob grinned.

“So there’s nothing we could do? I mean…”

“No,” Phi sighed, staring at me, “There’s nothing.”

I took that as my cue to leave because that’s when it suddenly hit me that the guy I’d in some twisted way started to fall in love with was about to up and leave and there was fuck all I could do to stop him.

+

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You okay?”

“Not really.”

“Are you?”

Mike shook his head in reply and flopped down on the lumpy motel bed beside me. He folded his arms under his head and gazed at me through tired eyes. We’d not long come off stage and after packing away our gear, loading it onto the van and arguing throughout a thirty minute journey we’d stopped off at a dilapidated motel and piled into two rooms. Doors had been slammed, Rocky had disappeared to the bar and Joe had mentioned something about joining him and getting very, very drunk. Basically the show had been our worst ever.

“We fucking sucked,” Mike mused out loud.

“I know,” I nodded, wincing at the still present memories.

Most of the crowd had been too drunk or stoned to notice. On the plus side they probably hadn’t heard my scratchy voice and Brad’s out-of-tune guitar. They probably hadn’t noticed the way none of us could even look at each other or the way I’d simply dropped my mic to the stage before I’d even finished singing the last song and staggered backstage without looking back.

“Do you think he’s made his mind up for good?” Mike asked.

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the cobwebs that were clinging to the ceiling very much the way I was clinging to my sanity. The aged rotary fan buzzed above, clipping relentlessly against a piece of torn wallpaper. I watched it chug around and around, using the mesmerising vision as an excuse to delay my answer.

“Chaz?”

“I wish I knew,” I bit my lip and turned to look at Mike who’s kohl-blackened eyes glimmered in the dusky light, “I just… I mean one minute he wants something, the next he doesn’t, so who knows really.”

“What happened yesterday? Did you guys not sort things out?”

“I thought we did,” I sighed, “One minute he was fucking me. The next minute he’s telling me he’s leaving. I don’t know where that leaves me but I sure as hell don’t think it’s a good sign.”

“I can’t believe he did that,” Mike shook his head, “That’s out of order.”

“I know but I can’t help but think I probably deserved it.”

“Don’t say that,” Mike scowled.

“I ended things though. I ended things without even asking him what he wanted. Maybe that was, what’s the saying? Me getting bit on the ass by divine retribution?”

“That’s no way to treat anyone. So what if you just assumed Phoenix wasn’t into you in the same way? That’s no excuse for him to screw you over. That’s so like Phoenix. He’s an asshole and he always has been.”

I raised my eyebrows, “I thought you guys were supposed to be good friends.”

“We are. I just think he’s an asshole. And I fucking warned him as well,” Mike sighed, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands.

“What do you mean?” I asked with a yawn.

“I told him not to fuck you about,” Mike told me with a small smile, “I said I’d kick his ass.”

“Well you can still do that if you so please.”

“He’d probably lay me out,” Mike laughed, “He always seems to come off better.”

“Tell me about it. I feel like I’ve made such a fool of myself. He had no intentions of… Fuck, I don’t want to be here,” I growled, “I just want to go home and sleep.”

“Me too. Not that I really have a home.”

“I think my bedroom floor counts.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I smiled.

“Want to fuck the no drugs rule and get out of it?” Mike asked.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

“Come on,” Mike grinned as he sat up, “I know where we can score something.”

I smiled and slowly sat up, brushing a hand through my uncombed hair. Mike threw me my jacket as I swung my legs over the side of the creaking double bed and I caught it as I got to my feet. I shoved it on and watched Mike with a bemused smile as he leant down and glanced at his reflection in the cracked mirror that stood next to the window.

“Are we going to see Coby by any chance?” I smirked as he wiped away the black smudges from his eyes.

“Maybe,” he smiled back at me in the mirror, “I heard he was staying in the same shithole.”

We walked out of the room, pulling the plywood thin door shut behind us. The carpet in the main corridor was threadbare and as we walked along in the direction of Coby’s room I could feel my feet sticking to the dirt-ridden surface beneath me. I didn’t dare look down, let’s put it that way. We carried on through a double door, the carpet turning to lino tiles which were cracked and fading at the edges. The lights flickered above us and as we pushed through the next set of double doors we were greeted with the familiar scent of weed. That along with the soft hum of music told us that room six-seven-nine had to be Coby’s.

The door was slightly open and we could see Papa Roach’s sound technician being straddled to the floor by a rather voluptuous lady but we knocked nonetheless. A few seconds later Coby appeared wearing nothing but a white towel which was wrapped around his waist. One tiny tug and it would be revealing everything. I realised I was more than likely gaping and quickly clamped my mouth shut as he opened the door wider.

“Hey,” he smiled, “Come on in,” he nodded, moving aside.

We stepped inside the warm room, smoke filling our eyes as Coby shut the door behind us. I could just about recognise Tobin and someone else making out on a couch in the corner of the room. There were a few other people I recognised lying on the floor smoking joints and drinking beer.

“So,” Coby’s voice interrupted my daze, “You changed your mind?” he asked Mike.

“I guess,” Mike nodded.

“I’ve been offering him hits all throughout this tour,” Coby explained, obviously scenting my confusion, “It wasn’t until the other day that he told me you two were trying to stay clean…”

“We tried,” Mike smiled.

“Yeah,” I nodded, momentarily distracted by the pair of teenage boys who were having sex in the middle of the king-sized bed, “Yeah we tried but what’s the point really?” I asked no one in particular as I tore my gaze away from the writhing bodies to look at Coby, “You only get one life, and all that shit.”

Coby smiled, “Follow me.”

We passed a few more people who were reclining on another couch, passively debating something as they passed around a joint. I wasn’t at all surprised to see that one of them was Rob. He winked at me as Mike and I disappeared into the bathroom Coby had led us into.

“Because I like you two so much,” he paused, clicking the door into place, “First lines are on me.”

“What’s the catch?” I asked cautiously as Coby dug a packet of white powder from the pocket of a pair of jeans which were hanging on the back of the door.

“There is no catch,” he smiled and padded over to the sink where he picked up the small mirror that was leaning against the tiled wall.

I slid off my jacket and sat down against the cold tiled floor as I watched Coby making out two thick lines of cocaine on the flat surface of the mirror. I could almost taste the powder as he passed me the mirror and thought how this couldn’t come quick enough. I took the rolled up dollar bill that he’d also fished from his pocket and within seconds I was leaning back against the side of the bathtub and shakily passing the mirror onto Mike. I sniffed and closed my eyes as the chemical euphoria spun its way to my brain.

“This feels good,” I murmured, watching Mike through half closed eyes as he snorted the white line that Coby had so diligently drawn out for him.

“Fuck good,” Mike smiled hazily, “This feels great.”

“And there’s plenty more where that came from,” Coby chuckled, “Remember what I said to you Mike?”

“Yes… I remember,” Mike nodded.

“Good, I’m going to get us some beer.”

Stepping past me, Coby opened the door and for a moment the thumping music seemed louder than it had been before as it drifted into the small room. I peered after Coby and saw that someone was tweaking the volume on a battered looking boom box that was resting on a chair in the middle of the room.

“What’s he after?” I asked Mike.

“Hmm? Oh,” A smile graced Mike’s lips, “He’s not after anything…”

“Yes he is. He’s blatantly trying to get into your ass…”

Mike burst out laughing, his limbs falling limp as his upper body fell to the floor. I couldn’t help but laugh as he lay there shaking and giggling.

“No,” he smiled, his laughter dying down, “He wants me to look after some of his gear whilst we’re on this tour. His guitar tech is involved in this huge drugs trafficking project.”

“And… what’s in it for you?” I asked, fumbling in my pocket for a cigarette.

“What do you think?” Mike grinned.

“A bit of nookie and some free coke here and there?”

Mike nodded, “And given that I’m broke,” he shrugged, “Honestly Chester? These past few weeks have almost killed me.”

“I thought you were doing okay?”

“I was but, God, it’s like I’ve really needed this,” he gestured, “Just every once in a while I need to completely escape. I’ve really struggled.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice,” I sighed, glancing at Mike who was fiddling with the rolled up note, “Fuck. Why are you so good at hiding things?”

Mike dropped the note, “It just makes it easier sometimes.”

“Not in the long run. We’re not supposed to keep secrets from each other anymore, remember?”

“I know. It wasn’t that, I just… I wanted to try it, see what it was like without the little pick me ups?”

“And?”

“Well it’s no better, that’s for certain so what’s the point?”

“I’ll drink to that,” I nodded absently.

“Guess I’m back right on time then?” Coby asked, appearing at the doorway with a crate of beer.

“Thanks,” I nodded as he passed me one of the cold bottles.

“So Mike, are you in?”

I took a swig from my beer as Coby pushed the door shut and passed Mike a beer. He sat down beside him and put the crate on the floor.

“Yeah,” Mike nodded, “I’m in.”

Coby smiled, “That’s great man. What about you Chester?”

“I don't know man,” I shrugged, “I mean, what is it exactly that we have to do?”

“Nothing,” Coby replied, “You don’t really have to do anything. I have my contacts dotted up and down the country, we pick up and drop off gear - all I need you to do is keep some of it hidden in your van.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Okay Mr. Sceptical,” Coby smiled, “We’re getting more gear. Which means we need to spread it out a bit, make it look less conspicuous. Say if the van gets searched by the cops? They find a little amount of coke they’re gonna let us off and assume it’s for personal use - they’re not gonna arrest because they’re not going to waste time or money trying to figure out who exactly it belongs to, right?”

“Okay,” I nodded.

“But if they find, say, several sealed packets of white powder it’s going to be more than obvious that we’re dealing.”

“So you’re not just the pretty-faced singer of a rock band?” I chuckled, “You’re trafficking drugs up and down the country.”

“Exactly,” Coby grinned, “And all I want you to do to is keep hold of some of the gear for us - nothing else - and in return I’ll draw you a free line here and there.”

“Okay,” I nodded, running the facts through my mind, “I’m in.”

“Guess we should celebrate then,” Coby placed his beer down and got to his feet.

I downed my beer and glanced at Mike who was smirking in my direction as Coby stood with his back to us, rummaging around inside a black vanity bag that was sitting beside the sink. Mike winked at me and I couldn’t help but smile. I’m not sure if it was the sweet combination of cocaine and beer or the sight of the white towel that was wrapped ridiculously low around Coby’s waist but I felt good.

“Here we go boys,” Coby sounded pleased with himself as he turned around waving a syringe before us.

“Not for me,” I shook my head, leaning forward to grab another beer.

“You sure? This shit is fucking good man.”

“I’m sure.”

Coby shrugged and slid down next to Mike, crossing his legs as he hit the floor.

“Mike?”

A devilish smile spread across Mike’s face and I took a gulp from my beer as I watched Coby sliding off Mike’s jacket. It dropped to the floor and I chugged down the rest of my drink, reaching out to get another one as Coby slid his hand across the inside of Mike’s left arm. He flexed it back and forth a few times before he leaned into Mike and whispered something into Mike’s ear; something I didn’t catch but it made Mike bite his lip. I could feel the coke I’d snorted starting to really prickle my insides as Coby slid the needle into Mike’s arm and pushed the syringe down. Mike gasped and closed his eyes and seconds later the needle was being pushed into Coby’s arm. I necked down my beer and reached for another one, my eyes half closed as someone slid their arms around me.

“Hello.”

It was Rob and I shuffled along the floor, allowing him to slide down beside me. I was aware that his fingers were digging into my hips as more of the ice cold alcohol slid down my throat.

“No, I’m not jacked up enough to let you fuck me,” I murmured, watching through hazy eyes as Coby opened his own brown orbs and placed the syringe he was clutching onto the floor.

It rolled aimlessly towards the bathtub and Coby slid his arms around Mike, pushed his lips to his and began kissing him. I could feel Rob’s breath on my neck; his fingers digging deeper into my hips as Mike began to kiss Coby back.

“It’s still a ‘no’,” I smiled as Rob’s lips grazed against my neck.

“You’re such a cock tease,” Rob whined.

“You’re such a horny fucker all the time. Go and hit on someone else,” I smiled, glancing sideways at him, “How much have you done?” I asked, gazing into his bloodshot eyes.

“Enough?”

“Look at us,” I murmured, “We’re so fucked,” I laughed out loud, “So let’s get something stronger to drink.”

We stumbled to our feet and casting a glance back at Mike, I slipped through the bathroom door, following Rob to the far corner of the room where someone had set a collection of bottles out on an old coffee table. Rob passed me a bottle of vodka and I took it from him, grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the bed.

“This looks promising,” he snickered.

“Behave,” I laughed, unscrewing the top from the bottle as I sat down cross legged in the centre of the bed.

Someone turned up the stereo and the thunderous sounds of Papa Roach filled the room, groans emitting from Tobin as he yelled for it to be turned off. I gulped down some vodka and passed the bottle to Rob, hissing as the liquid stung the back of my throat. I looked around the room, the purple interior swirling before me as my eyes grazed over swaying bodies dancing to the music, people passed out on the floor and finally to the bathroom door which was slightly ajar; Mike and Coby’s bodies writhing on the dirty floor.

“This is the best time I’ve had all tour,” Rob murmured, suddenly frowning as I looked at him, “So does that make this one shit tour?”

I smiled at him and took the bottle from his lips, “It depends,” I paused as I downed more of the vodka, “If Phoenix upping and leaving constitutes as shit, then yes it is a shit tour.”

“Are you happy?” Rob suddenly asked.

“Huh?”

“I mean, right now? Are you happy right now?”

“Well,” I paused, “I’m so wrecked that if you were to punch me in the face I wouldn’t feel a thing.”

“What?!”

“Try it,” I nodded, “Punch me.”

“You’re wasted. Gimme that bottle…”

“No,” I slurred, “I’m not happy. But who says you’ve got to be happy?”

“Chester you’re not making sense.”

“I never do.”

“Do you think he’ll change his mind?”

“Neither are you.”

“What?”

“You’re not making sense either. You keep - you keep talking about one thing and then another, you’re going too fast.”

“Phoenix. Do you think he’ll stay?”

“I don’t care anymore,” I heard myself saying, “This bottle’s empty.”

“I’ll get some more.”

My head felt heavy so I lay down on my side, curling my legs up as Rob disappeared from my view. The music had changed and the room was filled with the eerie start to a Deftone’s track that I couldn’t remember the name of. I watched the room around me start to spin, turning into a purple hue right before my eyes. I half-wondered what Josh was thinking right now because I knew he’d be watching. Probably disappointed. Probably looking down in disdain. Possibly thinking this was what I deserved.

The bed beside me dipped and I blearily looked up at Rob who was uncapping a bottle of Jack Daniels. I hated the stuff but sat up enough to be able to take the bottle and down it as if it were Pepsi.

“Chester… Don’t do that,” Rob laughed, snatching the bottle away.

“Fuck,” I gasped, my mouth; my insides burning as the sickly liquid trickled down my throat.

I had to physically hold onto the edge of my bed, my head suddenly caving in on me as the room began to spin faster and faster. The coke was starting to wear off and all I was left with was a dazed mind and pounding head.

“Rob?”

“Mmm?”

“Rob I have to get out of here.”

“Okay,” Rob paused, “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” I shook my head, trying to focus on the floor, “No I’ll be fine… Will you make sure Mike’s okay?”

“Sure,” Rob nodded as I shakily got to my feet.

“Is the ground moving?” I asked with a frown.

Rob lay down on the bed, clutching the bottle to his chest, “Only when you are,” he whispered, “Only when you are…”

I staggered out of the room, stumbling into and over a few people on my way out. My lungs seemed to scream in delight as I breathed in the more neutral air that was flowing down the corridor and shutting the door behind me I asked myself which way my room was. Left or right? Steadying myself against the wall I went with instinct, albeit slightly intoxicated, and staggered to my left, pushing through familiar doors; stumbling down familiar corridors.

Just as I was trying to remember the number of my room I heard a laugh. I knew that laugh. Looking up I saw Phoenix and I felt relief washing over me - at least he would have some idea where our room was. I pushed through another set of doors, my mouth opening as I started to call his name but as quickly as I’d opened it, I clamped it shut because there I was, drunk, high and shaking; standing in the middle of a darkened corridor watching Phi fuck some young, blonde girl against a wall.

If I hadn’t felt like killing myself before, I certainly did now.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I let the door shut and sunk against the wall, feeling yet more tears grace their presence as they slid down my cheeks.

“Hey? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Shit.

Joe was strolling toward me, his cell phone in one hand and a KFC bucket in the other. I felt my stomach churning as the scent of fried chicken entered my senses.

“Hey,” Joe repeated, stopping beside me as he rested a hand on my shoulder, “Chester what’s wrong?”

“I…I forgot my room… I don’t know where I’m going… I…”

“Alright, alright,” Joe smiled, “It’s this one here,” he chuckled, tapping the door I was practically leaning against, “Good job I have the key with me, isn’t it?”

“I thought you were going to get smashed,” I randomly heard myself blurting out, “I wish I’d gone for a KFC instead but I can’t eat chicken,” I hiccupped, “I’m only a bit drunk.”

Joe smiled, “Don’t ever repeat this to anyone but you’re sweet when you’re drunk. I went for a walk instead. And got food. Sorry,” he uttered as I flinched when the bucket was waved in front of my face.

I moved aside as Joe unlocked the door and followed him inside the dingy room. It felt colder than before but the air was still stale and warm so I flicked the fan on and stumbled further inside.

“I need to take a shower,” I mumbled, carrying on toward the small bathroom.

“No problem,” Joe nodded, sitting down and flicking the small TV on, its black and white picture illuminating the room.

I stepped inside the bathroom, flicked on the light and locked the door behind me. For a moment I stood and stared at my grainy reflection in the dirty mirror above the sink. I hated what I saw. Bloodshot eyes and dishevelled hair. Pale and wasted; everything I was warned not to become. Another jaded singer. I felt my anger bubbling up from inside and before I could even think about stopping it I was slamming my fists into the mirror before me.

I don’t know what rational part of my mind let me take one of the larger shards of glass that had shattered and crashed down to the floor. I don’t think there was anything rational about it though. All I could see was Josh’s disappointed face. All I could hear was Phi’s laugh and the moans of the girl he was fucking. All I could taste was desperation and fear.

And then when all of that has faded all I could focus on was my blood as it trickled into the stained porcelain sink beneath me.

+

TBC…

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