It’s long, it’s full of drama-o-rama and it’s been a long time coming. I hope that at least a few of you are still into this fic, it’d be great to know what you think =)

This chapter is dedicated to Tali.

[ Chapter Eleven ]

Three weeks of sharing a van with four of my closest friends, a manager and a guy I’d rather didn’t exist within this universe was starting to take its toll on me. After my initial pre-show nerves, the opening gig had gone down quite well. It had taken us a while to get the crowd moving and a lot for me to ignore the chants of ‘you’re just another nancy boy’ that had started to immerge midway through our set. However, seventeen shows later, I could swear that some of the people watching us were even starting to sing the lyrics to our songs. That alone made me want to piss myself with excitement.

It was Tuesday, a little after one pm and our first day off in over ten days. So Rocky had driven us to a diner on the way to our venue for the next day and we’d pulled into the parking lot little over an hour ago, strangely excited at the prospect of food. Seriously, no matter how greasy, it had to be better than bags of stale chips and the fact that there was a launderette across the street had also strangely brightened our spirits. To say our clothes were starting to smell a little was an understatement.

“Good morning,” Mike smiled, plonking himself down next to me on the kerbside where I’d decided to have a cigarette before filling my stomach full of cholesterol.

“Afternoon,” I corrected, passing him my cigarette, “Sleep well?”

“Like a baby,” he grinned, blowing a cloud of grey smoke out from between his lips, “I think I’ve just about adjusted to sleeping in a bunk.”

“Me too,” I sighed, distracted by Phoenix who was hurtling across the highway towards us, his hands full of groceries that he’d obviously been stocking up on in the mini-market.

“Hey,” he nodded at Mike as he walked past us and headed towards the van.

“You two still not talking?” Mike asked, passing my smoke back.

“Clearly not,” I shrugged.

“Don’t let it get to you. It’s not every day he gets the brush off from a hunk.”

“Shut up!” I laughed as he nudged me in the side.

Laughing aside, I was really fucking missing him. Even before when we were just very good friends he’d always been there for me to chat to about anything and I missed the fact that he suddenly wasn’t there anymore in any way, shape or form. I’d tried to talk to him several times but he seemed to have suddenly surrounded himself by Brad or Rob and was impossible to reach.

“He’s alone in there you know,” Mike’s voice interrupted my thoughts; almost like he’d been reading my mind.

“I don’t know…”

“Just talk to him Chester. I don’t think I can stomach seeing you like this anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“You, my friend, do not hide anything from me. You may be having a blast of a time and enjoying the last few weeks but I know that you’re not truly happy at the moment. Go and talk to him.”

“Okay,” I nodded, passing him my cigarette, “But if this all goes wrong then I am holding you personally responsible - you better have a good supply of chocolate for me to binge on if this ends in tears…”

“Oh shut up you fucking queen,” Mike laughed, “Get your sorry ass in there.”

I slapped him on the back and got to my feet, brushing the roadside dust from my jeans before crossing the parking lot and hesitantly climbing into the van.

Phoenix was packing boxes of cereals into the cupboards in the kitchenette area. He didn’t stop as I stood beside him, watching him place boxes of Frosties onto the counter. He knew damn well I was there but carried on regardless until the bags were empty and he was pushing the cupboard doors shut. I didn’t doubt that he would quite happily tear all the boxes from the cupboard and restack them again if it avoided acknowledging me.

“Phi,” I eventually sighed.

“What?”

I stared at him; he couldn’t even look at me. This was clearly going to end up in me spending our free day barricaded in my bunk with a box of cigarettes and a family sized bar of Hershey’s.

“Can we talk?”

Finally, he looked at me.

“What’s there to talk about Chester? You made your feelings clear. I have a girlfriend, you don’t want to be involved with me, no matter how much I fucking like you,” he paused, “End of.”

I stared back, my mouth slightly open because I’d never actually thought of what Phi had wanted in this situation. I’d not even discussed it with him. I’d just assumed that he didn’t care for me one bit.

“Can I get past?”

“No, wait,” I gushed, “Phi I am so fucking sorry. That was selfish of me -- I just assumed that you…”

“That I didn’t care about you?”

“Well no, I…”

“I don’t just fuck anyone Chester.”

“I’m sorry.”

Phi sighed. He glanced down to the floor, then at me, then back at the floor again.

“No, I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I’ve been acting out of character, I know I have. I wanted to talk to you, I really did but I don’t feel like we’ve stopped to pause for breath for the past few weeks.”

“Tell me about it.”

Phoenix smiled back and a long silence drifted between us, one which was finally broken as he started to speak.

“Look Chester, you were right. We did have something but it was rushed,” he paused to look at me.

“So,” I sighed, “Can we at least still be friends?” I asked, clutching onto any hope that may have been in his voice.

“Is that all you want?”

I paused, trying to read Phi’s expression but sadly it gave nothing away.

“If it’s all we can have, then yes,” I replied though part of me wanted to scream out ‘No, you fucking idiot because I’ve fallen for you and I don’t even know why’ but I managed to restrain myself and instead stared at a dirty coffee mug that was sitting in the sink. It was probably one of Rob’s. He’d taken to drinking copious amounts of strong, black coffee in the mornings to wake himself up.

“Are you listening to me?”

“Sorry?” I jumped, my eyes flicking back to Phoenix as he ran a hand over his shaven head.

“We really messed things up, didn’t we?” he asked me with a tired glance.

“Yup,” I smiled sadly.

“Come here,” he sighed, opening his arms.

I willingly stepped forward and closed the gap between us. Phoenix wrapped his arms around my back and I slid my hands around his waist, breathing out deeply as I rested my head against his shoulder. This felt so good.

“Why don’t we take things as they come?” I found myself unintentionally murmuring out aloud.

I could feel Phi smiling against me and drew my head back a little to look into his eyes.

“Yeah?” I asked hesitantly, still not able to fully read his expression.

He nodded his head though and pulled me closer. I honestly didn’t mean to but the next minute I was pushing my lips against his. He didn’t protest and what started off as gentle, heartfelt and apologetic kisses fast turned into something more; something deep and needy. I felt my hands clawing at Phi’s waist, fingers digging into his sides as his tongue flicked out and danced between my lips.

“We shouldn’t,” Phoenix uttered.

“I know,” I heard myself groaning.

“Not out here…My bunk…”

“Mmph…”

We stumbled through the kitchen, hands now clawing at one another’s bodies as our kisses became more frenzied. I tore away only to push Phi into his bunk and to peel off my shirt which I tossed aside carelessly before crawling on top of Phoenix.

“I’ve missed this,” he murmured as I lay atop of him and trailed kisses along his jawbone.

“Me too,” I hummed, flicking my tongue against the soft skin of his neck.

Phi let out an appreciative moan and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. I pressed my lips against his and for the next few minutes we explored one another’s bodies all over again; kissing and touching and sliding against one another until Phi rolled me over and pinned me down with his hands. I could feel my heart pounding as we lay there panting; Phi staring lustfully down at me.

“You should take off your shirt,” I murmured.

“You should take off your pants,” he responded as he slowly pulled his T-Shirt up over his head and allowed it to drop feather-like to the floor.

I groaned as he leant down and kissed me again, his warm hands trailing down my bare chest, sliding back and forth over my stomach; dipping lower and lower by the second.

“Shit…” I uttered as his hand slid over the bulge in my pants. It had been way too long since he’d done this and I arched my back as his fingers slid open my zipper and teased my erection out of my boxer shorts.

I closed my eyes as his lips lazily trailed down to my neck and he began to stroke me; teasing his thumb over the tip of my erection. I bucked my hips in time with his gentle movements and found my hands sliding across his bare back and down to the flimsy mattress beneath our writhing bodies; fingers clawing and grasping at the bed sheets. This felt better than I’d remembered and yes, I had been thinking about it a lot lately.

I groaned as Phi roughly pushed down my jeans and shoved my legs apart; his strong hands pinning them down as he stared at me for a few minutes with lust filled eyes. My erection was throbbing and it was taking every little last bit of restraint not to reach down and get myself off right there in front of him. Just the thought of it had me gulping for air. Phoenix licked his lips and let go of my legs; there would definitely be bruises there in the morning. He pushed down his pants; revealing not only a lack of any underwear but his very impressive erection. I gulped and slid my hands up to his thighs, biting my lip as he began to stroke himself; his eyes not leaving mine.

“Please…” I groaned, arching my back.

“Please what?” he uttered and the sight of him on bended knees with his hand pumping up and down his cock was enough to render me speechless.

“…”

He smiled, slid his hand off his erection, down his thigh until it met with my fingertips. Then he was leaning back, sliding his hand down the side of the bunk; a jar of Vaseline in his clutch when he’d seized what he’d been searching for. He wasted no time in removing the lid and I propped myself up by elbows as I watched his fingers slide into the tub before they wrapped around his erection the first time; dipped inside me the second time.

I gasped at the cool sensation and tilted my head back as the familiar stinging sensation that always accompanied this pleasurable act kicked in. Phi’s fingers scissored inside me, bent around and flicked teasingly against the spot within me that made me tingle and moan in a withering mess against the creased sheets.

Phi’s fingers slid out; the jar dropped to the floor and rolled away and he pushed my legs further apart. His lips brushed against mine as he pushed the tip of his burning erection against my entrance and with one sharp movement he was inside me and I was gasping out in an indescribable blend of pleasure and pain.

His lips moved in sync with mine and for a few moments he stayed still, his hands sliding up and down my sides. Finally they rested against my hips as he started to move. I groaned and writhed beneath him as he pushed deeper inside me and bent my legs further apart; his fingernails roughly digging into my thighs before they slid away and his hands pressed down against mine.

“Phi…”

He hushed me as his tongue flicked between my lips, teasing me as he slowed down his movements. I was starting to feel hazy and my eyes were starting to flicker and close just as he slammed himself deep inside me and hit the exact spot. I was seeing fucking stars.

After that his hands were all over me, pinching, teasing, caressing and clawing at every inch of my body. I wound my arms around his waist, sliding clammy hands up and down his spine as he began to speed up his movements; hitting my spot every time and Christ, if he went any deeper inside me I thought I might just explode.

“Shit,” he uttered against my lips, “I’m gonna…”

His words hung in the air and his body tensed for one last time as he reached his climax. I felt overwhelmed as he spilled his seed inside of me and bit the inside of my mouth to stop myself from crying out as my own orgasm toppled from within me; spilling out and sending waves of deep pleasure down my spine to the tips of my toes.

We lay there elated and breathless for what seemed like forever. Phi was the first to move, gently pulling out of me and rolling onto his side. I watched him through half closed eyes as he trailed his fingers across my stomach then gently planted his lips against mine. We kissed softly, our lips lazily grazing together as time lapsed around us and for a few moments I felt insatiable, a feeling that was quick to crash down to Earth as Phi’s cell phone began to ring.

“I better get that,” He smiled, sitting up and pulling the small, silver phone from the pocket of his previously discarded pants.

“Hey… Yeah are you? No I haven’t…” he paused and started to rummage around the bunk, grabbing his clothes, “No I can’t… What? You’re fucking shitting me? Hang on a second,” he paused again and slid out the bunk, glancing back at me, “I’ll just be a moment…” his voice trailed off as he disappeared into the small toilet section, the door clicking shut behind him.

I strained my ears as I slowly dressed, picking up nothing but laughter and tones of astonishment. My Mother had told me it was rude to listen into other people’s phone calls but when I pulled my t-shirt over my head and fastened my pants and heard the words ‘EMI’ coming from behind the thin door, I couldn’t help but stop and listen.

“But you told me it was Electric Ballroom… I mean that’s what you said… You’re kidding me, right? You’re telling me that EMI are interested? What? Of course that makes my mind up… No, that’s not true. It was pretty much decided before, what with Chester flipping out on me, that‘s enough to drive anyone away… No, I just haven’t had the time to chat to them… I know it’s over a week since you told me but that was when it was just Electric Ballroom, now it’s a major! I cannot believe this… Yeah, yeah… Okay, okay, I’ll talk to you later… Bye!”

I stared at the door, suddenly feeling somewhat queasy. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what Phi’s phone call had been about. I stood back as the door open and Phoenix reappeared fully dressed and shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“Hey,” he nodded.

“Hey?” I scowled.

He frowned then bit his lip, something that I’d noted he always did when he was about to tell one hell of a fucking lie.

“So you were listening?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe we should sit down and…”

“No. Maybe you should tell me what the hell is going on because from what I gathered your loyalties no longer lie with this band?”

“Let me explain. Can we sit…”

“No,” I hissed, interrupting Phi’s softer tones, “We can not fucking sit down. What’s going on?”

“I…”

“Okay. What exactly does ‘What with Chester flipping out on me, that‘s enough to drive anyone away…’ mean?”

“It’s not what it sounds like.”

“Oh really?” I nodded, “Well from where I’m standing it sounds very much like you are fucking us all over.”

“Me fucking you over?” Phi suddenly growled, catching my off guard, “That’s fucking rich Chester. You really have no idea do you? I’ve been playing with Tasty Snax for years.”

“And so we mean nothing?” I sighed and crossed my arms like a fucking child.

“No but they mean…” he stopped.

“More,” I finished off for him, “But did they mean more when we got signed? Or do they only mean more because they’ve got the bigwigs of EMI sniffing around them?” I spat.

“This could be our big break.”

“And what about Hybrid Theory?”

“Chester there are plenty of other bass players out there…”

“Yeah? So tell that to your other band?”

“Chaz… Fuck I don’t want to!”

“So what, when were you going to tell us hey?”

“What?”

“You heard! Apparently you’ve known all week, so when were you going to say something?”

“I wasn’t sure. It’s been a lot to think about. Chaz,” his voice softened, “I‘m torn between two bands who I love. Two bands who I want to play for.”

“Really? It’s just that I thought I heard you say you’d more or less made your mind up and as soon as you heard the big record company were handing you a deal on a platter you seemed pretty sure,” I snapped, my voice rising.

“Yeah well is it surprising with the way you’ve been treating me? Maybe this is the fucking golden ticket I need out of here,” he hissed, suddenly inching closer to me.

“So what about that?” I gulped, pointing toward his bunk, “Did that mean nothing to you?” I shouted, waving my arms wildly in the air.

“What do you think?” he growled.

“I don’t know anymore. I don’t fucking know. So what happens next Phi? Do you pack your things and jump onto the next bus home without a word? Is that how it’s going to be? You leave your fucking band mates, your best friends high and dry?”

“I was going to tell everyone,” he sighed, his voice softening.

“And what about me?” I asked, my own voice finally cracking, “Was it always going to be this way?”

“Chester,” he whispered, “It wasn’t meant to happen like this. When we came on tour I had my mind made up once and for all. It was you and the band. Then you pushed me away because you didn’t trust me and you thought I was going to hurt you?”

I frowned. Had he been talking to Mike?

“That made a huge impact on my decision at first. I thought it might make things easier…”

“Then why did you just FUCK me?” I yelled, tears suddenly spilling down my cheeks.

“…”

“You had it all planned didn’t you?” I screamed, “You always get what you fucking want. All the fucking time,” I seethed.

“That’s not true Chester and you fucking well know it. I care a lot for you, more than you fucking realise.”

“Yeah?” I laughed dryly, “You have a funny way of showing it!”

“You’re the one who ended things!” he yelled incredulously.

“Because you had a girlfriend.”

“That didn’t seem to bother you a few minutes ago.”

“It doesn’t seem to bother you whatsoever.”

“Go to hell,” he snarled, shaking his head, “And stop trying to take the moral high ground with me.”

“And that’s supposed to mean what, exactly?”

“It means that you’re not exactly innocent in all of this and neither have you ever been pure as white in your life. You’ve no grounds to shout at me for being unfaithful when we all know that the reason your beloved Josh topped himself is because he caught you with someone else.”

I was stunned. Gob smacked. I felt like someone had punched me right in the fucking chest; I literally felt all the air escape from my lungs in one go. Phi’s verbal blow hit me right in the heart and for a moment I was speechless. Feeling the onslaught of tears pricking the corners of my eyes I gulped back down some much needed air. It was only then that I was able to open my mouth.

“Wh… What?” I frowned, my bottom lip quivering.

Phi looked at the ground, “Nothing,” he whispered.

“No it wasn’t nothing,” I spoke calmly, “What did you just say?”

“I.. I shouldn’t, I didn’t mean to it just came out,” he stammered, “Chester I was…”

“What did you say?” I repeated, my voice firmer this time.

“Don’t do this…”

“David,” I whispered, tears spilling from behind my eyes, “Please… What did you say?”

“You heard me,” he gulped, “I never meant to say it. I am so sorry I…”

“How do you know?” I asked, suddenly feeling fainter and fainter by the second.

“My parents are friends with Josh’s parents - you know that.”

“Yes,” I nodded, my legs suddenly giving way as I collapsed to the floor, “What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, my voice nothing more than a faint whisper.

“Chester?” Phi shouted frantically, dropping to the hard floor beside me; his hands grabbing me by the shoulders, “Chester are you okay?”

“Why?” I whispered, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I was sworn to secrecy.”

“But we’re friends Phoenix and you know how much this has been hurting me… Do you mean you’ve known for all these years and you’ve never told me…”

“I couldn’t Chester. I knew how much it would hurt you.”

“He knew,” I whispered, “Oh my God he knew!” I shouted frantically, tears racking my body, “How did… How did he?”

“He left his Mother a note. All it said was that he couldn’t be with you knowing that you’d been with another man. He’d confided in her about it the week before…”

“But it wasn’t,” I sniffed, “It wasn’t like that! I promise you! I told her what had happened, she knew…”

“That you were raped,” Phi whispered, “She knew that what Josh had seen was you being raped - but she didn’t know that until after he’d died when your parents found out about it all and told her what had happened…”

“And, and he thought I was being unfaithful? He thought I was having some kind of affair?” I gasped out, my eyes hurting as my head began to throb with such immense pain, “I’d.. I’d never do that to him… I’d never do that to anyone,” My voice shook as I closed my eyes and screwed them up tight, “He killed himself because of me; because he thought I was cheating on him… I never… I didn’t,” I choked back a sob as I felt Phi’s arms around me.

“I am so fucking sorry,” Phi whispered, “I didn’t mean to tell you. I was just so angry and fuck I didn‘t mean to say that. I knew you weren‘t cheating on him and…”

“He died hating me.”

“Chester don’t do this to yourself,” Phoenix hushed me, rocking my sobbing body against his.

“But he died thinking I didn’t care for him! He ended his own life because I was stupid enough to let some jock come back to my house after school. He fucking ended everything he had because I was so fucking weak and…”

“Stop it Chester,” Phi whispered, “Stop it.”

“I can’t,” I cried, “He left me. Please don’t leave me Phi,” I suddenly gasped out, pushing his arms away from me so that I could see his face, “Please stay, I promise I won’t fuck up this time - I promise you,” I begged, holding his face in my hands, “I don’t think I could cope if you left, I--”

“Chester don’t,” he shook his head, sliding my hands away from his face. He slowly stood up and ran a hand over his head. I could barely see as I stumbled to my feet and grabbed onto him once again. I’d ruined everything I had with Josh; I couldn’t do it all over again; I had to make this work.

“Please!” I cried out, “Please say you’ll stay. We work so well together, not just us two but the whole band! I’ll do anything,” I whimpered, “I’ll do anything you want me to,” my voice croaked.

“Chester don’t do this to me, not now,” Phoenix shook me off again, “I think you should calm down. Come and sit in my bunk.”

“No. Not until you’ve promised me,” I whined, tears falling quicker and quicker, “Please Phoenix just say you’ll stay and…”

“I can’t!”

“What?” I stopped clawing at his arms at this point.

“Chester.”

“Oh please,” I cried hysterically, “Just tell me what I did wrong and we can…”

“Is everything okay? It’s just that I heard screaming and - fuck - what’s happened?”

I spun around as Mike’s voice entered my head. His eyes were wide with worry and he stepped onto the van, his feet carrying him over to where I was standing, frantically clawing at my own skin now.

“He’s leaving,” I sniffed, another wave of tears running down my face, “He hates me, just like Josh hated me and…”

“Chester calm down a minute,” Mike hushed me, stepping forward and grabbing my arms.

“Don’t,” I shook my head, pushing him away, “I just need to get out of here,” I cleared my throat and wiped away the trail of tears that were meandering down my cheeks, “I’ll be okay,” I whispered, “Just like I’m always okay,” I muttered, pushing past a bewildered looking Mike.

My head was pounding as I raced out of the van. I could vaguely hear Mike calling after me but I blocked his shouts out of my head. How could Phi have kept that from me? How long had he known? What if the others knew? What if Mike knew? What if they all talked about it behind my back? What if they thought I was callous and deserved for Josh to leave me like that? And what about Josh? What a fucking waste.

Tears spilled from my eyes. All I’d wanted was to be with him for my entire life. It had never mattered what we might do or where we might live; as long as I was with him then I couldn’t have cared less. I’d spent years and years asking myself WHY he’d done it. And now I knew? It didn’t make me feel any better, it didn’t make anything any easier.

I felt the crunch of gravel beneath my feet and blinded by tears I carried on walking; unaware of the shouts that were coming from behind me. They were nothing more than blurred sounds as my brain became occupied by Josh. I could picture it all so clearly now. And what should have been a weight off my shoulders was nothing more than a weight that pushed me down; so far down that I was finding it hard to breathe. I could see him smiling, waving at me and making jokes. I could hear his voice calling my name, calm at first then frantically, like he was drowning. I tried to reach out but his shadowy figure was fading right before my eyes. I stretched out my arms, tried to touch the foggy silhouette that was now standing in front of me but all I got was that sickening feeling as I fell forward and my body smashed against the ground.

“Chester!”

I groaned and opened my eyes; they were staring down at tarmac and a strange vibration was flowing beneath my body. I slowly raised my head and my eyes widened; I was in the middle of the fucking highway. I struggled to get to my feet; my hands scraping against the rough asphalt surface and I slipped several times, suddenly aware of frantic voices shouting my name - but more aware of the truck that was hurtling towards me. I closed my eyes and gulped; I couldn’t move. I wanted to but my feet had turned to stone. Within a split second I felt my body being pushed sideways, the air being knocked out of me as I crashed to the floor ground and landed heavily on my side.

“Jesus Chester!”

I groaned.

“Rob?”

I cracked an eye open just as the truck whizzed past and a smudge of green from the grass verge beneath me came into view.

Rob lay beside me for a few minutes, his arm still wrapped around me. It took that time for me to register that no, I wasn’t dead. And yes, I was lying on a roadside, covered in mud and yes that was my blood that was pouring from my nose. Rob slowly stood up then leant down and heaved me into his arms. Surely I was dead. That’s what I was suddenly thinking to myself as he carried me back across the road and the blurry figures of my band mates rushed over to us.

“Oh my God, is he okay?”

That was definitely Mike’s voice. I groaned and struggled in Rob’s arms as the world outside faded away and my eyes became surrounded by the greying interiors of our touring van. I felt myself being placed down, something soft beneath my body as Rob let go of me and stepped back. It’s about that time that I passed out.

+

Mike was lying beside me, watching me like a hawk very much like he had been since I came around, all groggy and bleary eyed a couple of hours ago. When I’d opened my eyes I’d found myself in a shady motel room with everyone else sitting around looking serious. They’d since left, Rocky taking off somewhere with Phoenix, the others disappearing back to the van. I’d barely spoken a word since and I didn’t really feel like doing so. In fact, all I really wanted to do was close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, preferably never waking again.

However Mike had other ideas and had told me I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep because if I’d suffered a concussion then chances were, I wouldn’t wake up. I’d told him that sounded like a good idea; he’d looked back at me as if I’d stabbed him in the heart and that had been the last words spoken. The silence was really starting to get to me now though.

“I need some fresh air,” I spoke suddenly.

“No you don’t,” Mike replied, grabbing my arm so I couldn’t move, “You’re not going anywhere. Rocky’s going to ask where the nearest hospital is. We’ll make a detour when we get back in the van.”

“I don’t…”

“Chaz,” Mike sighed.

“Don’t call me that,” I muttered, my arm falling limp in his clutch as I gave up my struggle and attempts to move.

“What happened?”

“You already know,” I sighed, staring up at the cracked ceiling above me.

“I don’t know a thing.”

“I don’t want to talk,” I mumbled, hissing at the pain that ripped through my skull as I finished my sentence.

“Well you freaking better,” Mike snapped, “For God’s sake Chester! I come into the van to find you ripping your own arms to shreds, screaming and crying and before I can even stop you you’re running into the middle of a fucking highway. If Rob hadn’t had seen you’d be road kill,” Mike suddenly stopped and I slowly looked down to my bruised arms, gulping as my eyes saw the red scratch marks that were criss-crossing their way across my skin.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. One minute everything was fine, the next I was lying on the ground with Rob,” I swallowed, “Did Phoenix say anything?”

“Not a word. What did he do to you?”

“Oh he only fucked me before telling me that he’s quitting the band.”

“He’s what?”

“He took a phone call. I overheard him. EMI are going to sign The Snax up. He’s leaving. End of.”

“Are you sure? You must have got the wrong -- Phoenix wouldn’t do that to us.”

“He is.”

“Shit…”

There was a silence between us for a few moments as Mike sat dumbstruck by my revelation. I managed to slowly sit up and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands. My vision was still blurred as I shakily got to my feet and crossed the small room to get to the window. The sun was high in the sky, not a cloud to be seen and if none of this shit had happened I would have called it a perfect day. I dug into my back pocket and pulled out a somewhat flattened carton of cigarettes. I’d just lit one up and settled myself into the beat up arm chair that overlooked the window when Mike came over and sat beside me.

“Is that why you flipped out?”

“No.”

“What then?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I sighed, exhaling a cloud of grey smoke into the lifeless room.

“Well I want you to.”

“Okay, okay,” I cleared my throat, “We argued which lead to him telling me why Josh killed himself.”

“You… What?” Mike frowned, “How does he even know, he didn’t…”

“Their parents are close.”

“And?”

“Josh thought I was cheating on him,” I shrugged.

“Why would he think that?”

“I have no idea,” I gulped, stubbing the butt of my cigarette out. I promptly lit another one and wondered why the hell I couldn’t see properly.

It’s only when Mike handed me a tissue that I realised I was crying again.

“I just want to sleep,” I whispered, “Is that too much to ask for?”

“I’m afraid it is when you might have a concussion.”

“I haven’t.”

“You don’t know that. You can sleep later when you’ve been looked over by a doctor.”

“I really--”

“That’s your third cigarette in five minutes.”

I stared back at Mike before taking a drag of it and turning to the side to blow out a long cloud of grey smoke.

“And?”

“Jesus Chester, don’t be like this with me.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled, “I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

Mike shook his head and leant forward, resting his head in his hands. I sighed and reluctantly stubbed out my cigarette against the window sill, carelessly flicking the butt out of the open window. If this is what it felt to be completely void of any emotion then I sure as hell wasn’t enjoying it. I leant my head in my arms and began to cry, not really sure what I else I could do. My body wanted to shut down yet my mind just couldn’t stop racing.

“Hey,” Mike soothed, pulling me into a tight embrace, “It’s okay,” he whispered, holding me against him.

“No it’s not,” I sniffed, “Mike he died thinking I hated him. He died thinking I didn’t want him anymore and it wasn’t like that, it was never like that.”

Mike pulled away, “What happened then?”

“You don’t know?” I asked, cursing myself as soon as the words had left my mouth.

“No you fucking idiot,” Mike spat, “I don’t know. You think I would have kept that from you?” he asked, his voice unnervingly calm, clearly not reflecting the hurt I’d just laid upon him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, “Shit Mike this is all so fucked up,” I shivered, “I don’t even know if I can talk about it. It’s just,” I paused, “I just need some time to think and--”

The sound of the door opening cut away my words. It was Rocky and a wide eyed Rob who hesitantly followed the former over to us. Part of me wanted to ask who had died because the look in their eyes was of sheer shock. I stopped myself though, realising that it was me who had almost died and probably not the one who should be cracking jokes after all the chaos I’d managed to cause.

“Chester,” Rocky started, taking a deep breath as if to accentuate how hard this was for him, or maybe it was an unintentional pause as neither he or Rob could seem to tear their eyes away from my bloodstained arms. I felt my cheeks reddening and looked away. Mike seemed to sense my discomfort and subtly passed me my sweater from where it had been lying carelessly on the floor. I thought of the state that it had laid in on the floor of the van not that many hours ago and absently wondered if I could erase the day and start over again.

“Chester?”

“Sorry,” I muttered, pulling my jumper over my head and slowly looking up at Rocky.

“There’s a hospital not too far which is on route so if we leave now we can get you checked out. How are you feeing?”

I shrugged and slowly got to my feet, searching and failing to find the strength inside me to even acknowledge what Rocky had said. Instead I walked off and into the small bathroom, pushing the door shut behind me.

“Give him time,” Mike was telling Rocky as I slid the lock across and sunk to the cold tiled floor.

Time.

I smirked to myself. Time to what? Adjust to the fact that Josh was never coming back and that the reason for that was all because of me? I shook my head. I knew of some shit things people had done in their lives but this just about topped them all. I was the reason that another man was dead. I was still here and Josh wasn’t. Nothing about that seemed fair whatsoever.

“Chester? You okay?”

I closed my eyes. I could feel the chicken sandwich I’d eaten at around 3am fast rising from my stomach.

“Chester don’t make me knock down the fucking door. Rob and Rocky have gone, okay?”

I quickly shifted from the door, knocking the lock back before my sandwich reappeared as I crashed to the floor and threw up into the bathtub. I was vaguely aware of Mike kneeling down behind me, pressing the palm of his hand against my back but it was a good ten minutes later until I was able to turn around and look at him.

“I’m never eating chicken again,” I croaked, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

+

I’d been longing for this day off for so long, sometimes counting down the hours till the moment I’d be able to just relax and bum around and just maybe slip into my bunk and fall asleep. Sleep had been hard to come by when some nights we didn’t even finish loading the van until four am and other nights Joe kept me awake talking on his cell phone or Rob and Brad were having a domestic over who was the best Doctor Who.

Ironic then, that now sleeping was the last thing I was able to do. The buzz of the engine beneath me that I’d gradually grown accustomed to was grating on me, accentuated by the warm, close air that filled the van. I’d kicked the sheets off and stripped down to my boxers but still felt too hot and sticky, wanting nothing more than a cold shower to cool me down. It didn’t help that Mike was lying beside me in his pyjamas and a hoody, proclaiming that it was cold. Cold my ass.

“I’ll ask Rocky if he can pull over,” Mike suddenly spoke, swinging his legs over the side of the bunk.

“What?” I asked, gazing at him through half closed eyes.

“So you can get some fresh air. Any more tossing and turning and you’re gonna pull a hamstring.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“I also need to stretch my legs and smoke this joint,” Mike told me, patting down his pockets, “Bring your lighter will you?”

“Mike I thought you were off the pot--” I stopped because Mike had already disappeared and the van was slowing down.

I rubbed my bruised, but not concussed head and slowly sat up. The nurse who saw me at the hospital had told me I was lucky to be alive before giving me the once over and sending me to the X-ray department with a couple of leaflets, one of which was a copy of the green cross code. I’d shoved the other one into my pocket, only to read later on that it was entitled ‘how to cope with self harm’. That too had been thrown away.

I felt the van stopping and steadied myself against the side of my bunk as I got to my feet and walked through the kitchenette, already able to taste the wave of fresh air that was wafting in through the open door. I grabbed a pink Zippo from the draining board. Rocky was ambling down the steps with a cigarette in his hand and as I joined him and my bare feet touched the crumbling asphalt of the parking lot we’d pulled up in I silently thanked him with a nod of the head.

“You’ve got half an hour,” he told me, “I’m just going to stretch my legs and grab something to eat from that diner.”

I shivered as the cool morning air hit my chest and scanned the dawn skies that were folding out before my eyes. Apart from the diner and the small parking lot there was nothing but stretches of green fields for miles and miles. I started to walk away from the van, my bare feet brushing against the warm surface of the uneven concrete beneath them. I could just see Mike as I got to the back of the van. He was standing at the edge of the road, watching the sky and I stopped beside him, gazing up at the cloudless sky.

“I wish I could make things better,” Mike sighed, turning to face me.

“I know what that’s code for,” I smiled softly, “Great minds and all that? It means you want me to talk and open up and…”

“Okay smart ass then you don’t need me to ask you what happened. Just talk to me.”

“Okay,” I nodded, running my hands up and down my arms, “The week before Josh died,” I paused, wincing at the words that usually got lodged in the back of my throat, “I was,” I stopped and looked at Mike, “I was raped.”

“You were raped?”

“This guy I was meant to be tutoring,” I cut in, “Because my English teacher thought I was the right person to do it. He, he did it. We were in my apartment and he…” I closed my eyes because I could feel myself turning faint.

“Hey,” Mike whispered, snaking his arm around my shoulder, “Let’s sit down.”

I nodded and opened my eyes before Mike led me to a dusty slope at the side of the road. We both sat down and without pausing to dwell on everything that was buzzing around my mind I carried on speaking.

“It happened so fast. One minute I was trying to explain the meaning of a metaphor the next minute he was trying to kiss me. I told him to stop but it’s like my words were nothing to his ears, I sometimes wonder if he even heard me. He wasn’t violent or brutal. He just did it. He didn’t speak, he just used his strength and pinned me down and I couldn’t stop him, I couldn’t,” I stopped abruptly and squeezed my eyes shut, foolishly hoping this would erase the memories that were flashing right before my eyes; the memories that I’d kept hidden away for so fucking long.

When I opened my eyes Mike squeezed my hand and I somehow found my voice again.

“I couldn’t tell Josh. Not because I thought he’d hate me or that he wouldn’t care. Not even because I felt so fucking dirty and disgusting. I just couldn’t admit it had happened. All I had to do was say it because he died thinking I’d betrayed him and it wasn’t like that Mike, it wasn’t…”

“Hey,” Mike hushed.

“He saw us. He saw us together and thought that I was betraying him. He confided in his Mom about this and then a week later I found him in the bathroom all cold and pale. He died in my fucking arms,” I whispered, “All because I didn’t want to face up to what had happened. And I find this out years after it happens because the guy who I thought I was falling in love with kept it a secret from me. He thought it didn’t matter. He fucking lied to me and now I’m paranoid that everyone knew. I even wondered if you knew,” I paused, “I’m sorry.”

“I wouldn’t keep that from you.”

“I know Mike, I know. But who else knows?”

Mike shook his head, “That’s something you shouldn’t dwell on.”

“Really? How can I not think about it? I mean, every time I think of Phi I think of how we fucked and how he knew and…”

“Don’t,” Mike hushed, “Don’t think like that.”

“Then how am I supposed to think?” I asked, “What am I supposed to think when I’m standing face to face with him? He knew how much that was hurting me. He knew that the biggest reason I’m in this band and singing my heart out night after night is because of Josh. How could he keep it from me?”

“I think he was trying to protect you.”

I raised my eyebrows, “From what?”

“From feeling the way you’re feeling right now.”

I looked away from Mike, “You’d do anything to protect me.”

“I know.”

“Then would you have kept that from me?” I asked, looking back at him.

“No,” Mike answered, shaking his head, “I know how much that’s been hurting you and I know it almost killed you. I would have told you Chester.”

“Then why didn’t he?”

“I don’t know. Only he knows that. You have to ask him, not me but I’m pretty certain he’ll tell you what I’ve just told you. He wanted to protect you and different people have different perceptions of things in life.”

“Meaning?” I asked.

“I think Phi was wrong. I hate him for it right now. But I don’t think he did it out of malice. I think he thought it was for the best.”

“Shit,” I uttered, sighing heavily.

It was starting to get light now and the streetlamps that had shone down on us had now petered out, replaced by a thread of gold that was creeping up into the sky. I shivered and realised that it was actually quite chilly outside and here I was in just my boxers.

“I always thought it’d feel better,” I sighed, “I mean once I knew why Josh had killed himself. I’ve longed for this moment for what seems like forever and now I feel even worse. I don’t even know how I feel to be honest.”

“You just need to let it sink in,” Mike told me, “I know it’s not easy but I think in time it will feel easier.”

“I hope so.”

“Can I ask you something?” Mike asked, staring me right in the eyes.

“Sure,” I nodded, “As long as I can share your hoody.”

Mike smiled a little and unzipped his Papa Roach hoody. Coby Dick seemed to have taken a shine to him, which I’d taken great delight in teasing him about after he’d come onto the van after a show wearing the hoody which Coby had given to him as a present. I smiled about that as Mike slipped his right arm out of it and shuffled closer to me. I pulled the jumper around me and shoved my arm into the sleeve, closing my eyes slightly as inhaled the ever present scent of weed and shampoo that was my best friend Mike.

“I don’t want to be insensitive but why didn’t you tell me you were raped?”

“Up until today I convinced myself it hadn’t happened,” I shrugged, “I guess that when Josh died that hurt me even more. It made the pain of being raped seem insignificant, or that’s what I told myself. I just wanted to forget it happened so I became more and more oblivious to the fact as the years went on. I didn’t tell you because I had convinced myself it never even happened.”

Mike nodded his head, “I understand that. I think I’m guilty of having done that a lot.”

“Any time you want to face up to things then I’m here.”

“Thanks Chaz,” Mike smiled.

A comfortable silence seemed to drift over us at that point. I naively thought that things would be okay. We’d get up and we’d walk back onto the van. We’d drive to the next venue and I’d wake up the next day feeling like a new person; like I’d been freed of the weight that had been upon my shoulders for so long.

It didn’t happen that way.

Of course it fucking didn’t.

+

TBC…

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