Here’s the first chapter. I hope you guys all like it. And the rating will go up in further chapters.

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They say ‘you don’t know yourself until you know who you are’. I don’t know neither. And I never will. Neither do I care. Life is short. Why waste any time missing out on something? Yeah, I’ve missed out on a lot… I guess.

So I’m going to JCC -Juvenile.Counseling.Center. - It seems worthless. Everything does. JCC, School, home, friends, air and life. Nothing means to me right now. I’m just another fucked up case everyone thinks they can help. Fucked up and hopeless.

They all think this place will help me. My parents agreed this is best, my counselor back at home approved along with my teachers. They all tried to help me apparently. Look where they got me. A trip to a fucked up hell hold.

Like I said, nothing matters to me anymore. I still don’t clearly see how going to this place will ‘help’ me. More like it’ll make everything worse. Everything has gone worse for me this past year. Everything. That’s how I got my ‘secret’. I promised myself I’d never shed it to anyone what my secret was. I promised. And I’m not a likely person to break a promise.

It’s that damn secret that made me start cutting myself. It helps me a lot. It really does. If it weren’t for my dad seeing the cuts on my arms and wrist, this whole thing wouldn’t have happened. I really don’t like to think about that night. It adds to my secret. It’s just another one of those bad memories. ‘Ya know?

But one thing about that night that I cannot forget is the words. Everything that was said to me that night. It tears holes into my heart to think about it.

’Crying’s for sissy boys.’

Those words won’t ever leave my mind. They keep coming back to me like some fucking boomerang. Always coming back to me even when I least expect it. If I don’t watch out for it, it can come back to me and hit me by surprise. Hurting me worse then before. But that’s life. Right?

Life. It seems like life is my worst enemy. Hating me for everything I do. But I cannot blame it. I’m just another person to torture. Why say ’I think Mike deserves to be left alone for now. He’s gone through enough misery and suffering. Poor guy.’ Like that would ever happen. It seems like every day of my life just gets worse and worse.

As I’ve said a lot, nothing matters to me anymore. I should just bring a blade to my wrist, a gun to my head or a building top to my feet and end it all. Just something in the back of my head whispers for me to wait. And I wait. And wait. But so far, nothing seems worth waiting for. Nothing.

My parents always put on their mask hoping to deceive anyone around them who’s too stupid to figure them out. Figure out they’re just in life for the money. Not for anything else. They really don’t care. I guess I’m the only one who can actually see that.

I’m the only one who can see a lot of things. I can’t take too much credit though. I don’t see everything, but I see what others cannot recognize. I guess that might be why I like art so much. I can see what drawings decipher just by looking at them for a second. It’s a talent I guess. I shouldn’t feel too special about it.

I look outside the window to look what my surroundings are. Nothing. It’s just a complete wasteland of pine trees. This stupid bus makes me feel like I’m going on another lame school trip. But on this ‘school trip’, I won’t be coming home for a while. A long while.

I’m the only one on this bus not counting the bus driver. I’m probably the only freak around my city anyways. No one is like me. But I guess that’s a good thing to a certain point. Being like everyone else is some fucked up excuse for not knowing who you are. But saying that makes me a hypocrite. I don’t even know who I am.

I still don’t see how a camp will help me. It’s completely worthless. I’m just going to a stupid camp where they all think they can talk to me and make everything better. They mainly want to know why I cut myself. Its way too obvious to know what they actually want. To be honest, I don’t care if they do find out. I don’t want them to, but if they do then they do. I can’t do anything about it but keep my mouth shut tight. And I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. I don’t even repeat the memory in my mind though it comes back on its own will quite a lot.

We pull over to some dirt road wide enough for two trucks to grasp by each other. Great, I guess knowing the side of the rode explains how much traffic they have coming by. Hey, if they have enough maybe I can even sneak on one and get out of this hell.

I watch the bus driver a little bit. He seems to know where he’s going. He must go here a lot. So maybe I’m not the only crazy teenager then. He probably brings us teens here all the time. But I still have never heard about JCC inside and outside of school. It must be one of those places where no one likes to talk about them and when you do you best keep your voice down. I don’t see why, it’s just a camp. A fucked up camp might I add.

The trees surrounding the road start to clear up a bit showing that we’re almost to the camp. At least I hope we’re not. If I had the choice I would ride this bus forever. Never get off. My life is a waste of time anyways. And I don’t want to even go to this camp.

The bus driver coughs twice and looks at the mirror above him to look at me. I hate it when people look at me. They’re just judging me and they don’t even know me. It pisses me off. But then I guess this guy knows me. He knows I’m another freak needing to be transferred to a camp. A camp that’s a hell hold.

Finally the trees do clear up and here we are entering a giant grassy camp area. Taking in my surroundings as fast as I could, I look around and notice a lake. It’s actually more like a pond by the way it’s shaped. But I guess it can be big enough to be considered a lake. Joy, now I can drown myself. Next to the lake is a dock with a few kids jumping off of it into the water as if they’re having the best time ever.

When I look onto the other side of the road, I notice a few small cabins with teens hanging around outside. I guess that’s where I’ll sleep. Then ahead from where we’re driving is a log building labeled Office on the top of the door. That’s probably where I’ll register completely for staying here. I should probably book it once I get off of this bus. Run and jump into that lake and drown myself. That would be nice.

The bus pulls up in front of the office and is shut off by the driver. He stands up and looks at me motioning for me to get up. I glare at him for a second, and then stand up. In the seat in front of me is my bag filled with just my clothes and a few bathroom items. They wouldn’t let me take anything else. But I managed to sneak my sketch book in there.

Picking up my bag, I noticed how much more heavier it seemed then when I first put it on the bus. It’s like this bag is trying to save me from going off the bus. Pleading for me to stay here. I agree with it, but I know I can’t stay.

I make my way to the front of the bus where the driver nods to my acknowledgment. I start going down the stairs when then I realize, what am I to do now? Panicking a little, I look behind me to see what the driver wants me to know. My fear ceased when I noted he was too coming off of the bus.

I stood away from the stairs waiting for him to load off. Once he does, he waves his hand for me to follow him which I obey. Surprising I’m being so nice to such a person, a person who drove me all the way over here and is going to abandon me to this fucked up place.

He starts walking towards the office with me closely following. I look behind myself to the cabins and see that no one seems to be even paying attention to me the ‘fresh meat’. They must be used to new freaks arriving. Hopefully I won’t be like a ‘new’ person where everyone puts me through hell until someone else arrives. Damn that would piss me off.

Entering the office, I notice how freshly cool it is in here compared to outside. I never really realized just how hot it was out there until now.

There are a few people in the office walking around and putting folders and files in cabinets and looking on computers and such. One of the women who’s seated behind a large counter looks up from her work and smiles at me. Damn that smile.

“Welcome. You must be…” She looks down to her folder and looks back up to me, “Mike.” I glare and nod at the same time. She just continues to smile at me as if I’m the most normal person alive. “I hope the bus ride wasn’t any trouble for you James.” She says as she looks at the driver. James, that must be his name. Duh, I could have read his name tag. I can be quite absent at times.

“No, no mam is certainly was not.” He smiles and then backs away a little. “I best be on my way now.” He turns to me and speaks. “I best be seeing you soon.” He smiles then walks out the door leaving me alone with these people I don’t even know.

I look back to the woman waiting for her to tell me what to do next. Instead she stands up and walks around the counter heading over to me. “Hi!” I just nod at her and look away. “I’m Carol. I’ll be your office assistant for the time you’re here.” I nod again and look to the door wanting to do nothing more but leave. “Chester?” I look back at her to see who she’s yelling for.

A guy who must be only years older then me walks out and looks to see what she needs. “Chester this is… Mike. He’s new here and I was wondering if you could get him all set up?”

“Yes I can.” Chester looks to me and smiles. For some reason his smile melted my heart. It actually made me want to stay here. Weird. He walks over to me and holds out his hand. I look at him for a second before my body registers what he wants. I put my hand in his and give a small smile but quickly taking it away. He’s facial features are so… sweet. I just want nothing more then to see more of him. A blush comes to my face when I realize my hand is in his.

Taking my hand away I look to the floor.

It seemed like it was five years before anyone spoke again. “Well let me show you around Mike. And first let me mention I’ll be your counselors assistant. So when ever you see your counselor Luke I’ll usually be with him.” Chester said. Damn did I love the sound of his voice. I don’t think I even heard a word he said. Just something about a counselor.

He puts his hand on my shoulder as he guides me to the front door. Before I wanted nothing more then to leave this office, now I wasn’t too sure about that. But his hand resting on my shoulder seemed to make me feel more confident.

As I was guided out of the door I instantly felt the hot air sinking around my body. Great. But Chester’s hand was the only thing I could really feel. Suddenly, his hand was gone. I wanted it back more then anything. For some reason, when I was around him I felt more then protected.

He walked beside me and it was then I noticed we were going to the cabin area. Joy, now here comes the real hell. It took us a few minutes to manage to get over there, but when we did we headed straight to the center cabin. Probably where I’ll be staying.

There were a few people hanging around on the cabin’s steps. I glanced at them and looked away feeling their eyes fixed on me. Damn I hated that feeling.

“Dave, Brad and Joe, meet Mike.” I looked up to them a little to see their reactions. One of them stood up and greeted me with his hand stretched out. I took his hand in mine and gave him a little shake.

“I’m Joe.” He then looked to the other two sitting on the steps. He pointed to the person on the left, “He’s Brad and he’s Dave,” he said pointing to the person on the left. Dave stood up and shook my hand too but Brad just gave me a small smile. I guess at the moment they were thinking different of me since I didn’t speak.

Feeling a little out of place, I shifted my feet a little and glanced inside the cabin. For a second I saw two more figures stretched inside but I didn’t take a second look to see if I was right or not.

“Well let’s go inside and I’ll help you set up.” Chester said. I nodded a little knowing he couldn’t see me but I made the attempt. He led his way inside with me still carrying around my heavy bag. I stepped on the stairs and made my way inside.

When I got inside I noticed there were 5 beds laid around the room. Each of the beds had a nightstand next to them on one side and a dresser on the other. The sheets were a dark blue with a dark blue comforter on top of that. My bed and the one next to me seemed to be the only one made.

“Weren’t you guys taught to make your beds?” Chester yelled as he too noticed the un made beds.

Someone from behind me scoffed and mumbled, “No.” I looked behind myself to see another teen sprawled across his bed. I was right that there are people in here. If there was this person then there had to be another, I looked around and there too was another guy sitting cross legged in the bed playing cards.

“Who’s the new guy?” the first person I had seen asked.

The guy who was playing cards looked up and gave me a smile. I returned by looking away.

“Pheonix this is Mike. And Rob this is Mike.” I looked to them and gave them the best of a smile I could but managed to only get out a small one. The guy playing cards must have been Rob and the other one probably was Pheonix.

“Hey,” I looked over and saw the guy playing cards looking at me.

“Hi.” I mumbled.

“I’m Rob.” He said. I just nodded and looked back to my bed.

Chester grabbed the bag from me and set it on my bed then patted my shoulder. “Counseling session for your group is in 45 minutes. Use that time to get situated.” Then he looked to Rob and Pheonix. “Be nice.” Then he walked away. “Bye you guys.”

“By Chester!” A few people called from outside.

Joe, Brad and Dave walked inside and shut the door behind them. I just looked to my bed and stood there feeling awkward.

“You going to do anything?” Brad asked. I looked at him then back to my bed. “That dresser is yours and there’s your nightstand. Have fun.” He then turned to Rob and went over to his bed to see what he was doing.

“Don’t mind him.” I looked to see Dave talking. “He can be rough at times.”

“Yeah.” Joe agreed walking to his bed which was next to mine.

I looked at my bag on my bed and opened it up. Taking out a few of my shirts I opened the dresser and put them in. Then I continued with the rest of the clothes. At the bottom of my bag I noticed my sketch book along with a few pencils and a sharpener. Picking those things up I shoved them into my sock drawer. Satisfied with myself, I started to slide my bag under my bed.

As I was sliding it, there was a tiny mettle clanking sound. Looking under the bed to the source of the sound, I found a little razor blade. I had forgotten all about it.

I used this razor blade it seemed like every day. I brought it everywhere with me. School, parties, home, trips and everywhere else. This one single blade was worth more to me then anything else. There was still little blood stains on the edge that had been left there for such a long time. I never have cleaned it off. Though by now I would think that it’d be stained.

Snatching the blade into my hand, I went to the other side of my bed and opened up my nightstand top drawer and shoved the blade in. Hopefully no one would think of looking in there.

I looked to everyone else who were all either resting in their beds or watching Rob play cards. I had just now noticed that there was really nothing to do here. But Chester had mentioned something about a counseling session. I wonder how long it’s been since he said that.

I stood alone and silent for a few minutes staring at my feet before I finally got the courage to sit down on my bed. A just sat there for about 10 minutes staring at my scarred wrist wondering when I’d have time to add another cut. I hope it’ll be soon.

“So what are you in here for?” Came a voice from across the room. I looked up to see everyone looking at me. I think the voice came from Pheonix. I’m not sure.

“Um…” I seemed to space out for a few minutes. To be honest, I’m not too sure why I’m in here either. I didn’t want to tell them cutting. They’d freak out on my or something.

“Well?” That came from Brad. I was sure of it.

“Self Infliction.” That’s all I said. That’s all I wanted to say. So I’m just going to leave it at that.

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PLEASE REVIEW!!!! It gives me more courage to write. Tell me what you all think. Constructive Cristism is always welcome. And I also need a BETA incase anyone wants to be one. I love you all!!!