This fic is living proof that writing can be an antidote for depression. Getting out my emotions in a story format really helped me out. ^.^;; Hopefully you'll like it. Reviews would rock my world!

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Tired

By SpikeMinoda

Status Standalone

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Silence.

The only sound echoing through the house. The only thing cutting through the darkness and causing ringing in my ears. The one thing that has brought waves through my brain and registered as a noise; as something there.

I’ve been alone for all these years. Silence being my closest friend. Next to that: fear, regret, longing, pain, sorrow, exhaustion. All in all, I have a few friends. But, none of them are friends I like. They’re acquaintances who won’t go away. People who stay by my side even though I wish they’d leave. The type of people who want to help out but won’t take the hint that you don’t need them. Those are the friends I have.

I’m secluded to myself, but sorrow always manages to break in. Sorrow disrupts my thoughts and my hopes to get better. If I had a single light of hope shimmer into my thoughts, sorrow would take over and wipe it away. Sorrow would cascade down my face in a liquid form, and wipe away any thought that didn’t seem fit. Sorrow would say that it’s for the better, but somewhere deep down inside I’m sure it isn’t. I’m sure that sorrow is only making my life worse.

When I try to go outside pain then decides to kick in. Pain doesn’t find it right to step outside, he thinks it’ll be a step backwards. Whenever I try to open the door, to see the sun...pain is there. Pain causes me to shut the door and walk back into the dark of my aloneness. It doesn’t seem fit, I’m sure. But, pain says it’s for the better. Pain takes hold of my heart and soul and doesn’t want to let go. He grips me like a rag-doll and holds on until I’m lost in a sick sleep. He then let’s me go, but he’s right there again when I wake up the next morning. My void of emotions gone and I’m once again trapped in his pit of despair.

Every time a smile sets on my face regret comes running in. He doesn’t think smiling is suitable for my situation. He thinks that the memories I relive should remind me how messed up I am. He doesn’t believe in “good memories”. My memories are all bad, every last one is rotten right down to the core. Nothing is worth smiling over. Regret taught me that, and he keeps me straight on the ball. There’s no need to smile when I think of my past, even if I smiled then...it’s all bad now. There’s nothing happy about my life, there’s nothing I shouldn’t regret. Every step I took, every word I spoke. It all lead up to the disaster. It was all my fault, every last movement; it all was a forewarning. I didn’t see that, and regret has reminded me constantly. Over and over and over...

Whenever I try to phone an old friend fear holds me back. Fear thinks that they’ll only hurt me, yell at me, and condemn me to a life in hell. Fear believes that I should stay to myself and away from the outside world. He doesn’t believe in forgiveness, he says forgiveness is non-existant. He helps me stray away from old friends; old friends whom we both know don’t care for me anymore. Fear confines me to a life alone; a life of solitude and emptiness. He says it’s for the better, I’ll learn from my mistakes. Fear has engraved himself in my heart and soul and I’m sure he’ll never go away.

Longing is always there, never leaving. A lingering presence in my mind and in the air around me. Longing causes sorrow and regret to come in, he invites them without asking me. I can always feel longing’s arms wrapped around me; holding me close and saying that he’s there. But, sometimes I wish he’d leave. Longing has a tendency to make me remember the things that fear says I shouldn’t. They’re always fighting each other, I wish they wouldn’t. Longing gives me dreams that I don’t want to have; dreams of my old friends and I having fun. All of us together again...longing is ruining my chances of staying stable. He obviously doesn’t agree with everyone else, but longing doesn’t take the time to push me as hard as I think he needs to. He just plants thoughts into my mind and whispers ideas through the cold air. He never makes a move...

These are most certainly my closest friends, they cling to me and won’t leave. I’m stuck with them now and forever, I’m sure. I have friends called ‘flashbacks’ too. They drop in a lot. They’re always brining back flashes of the past, most of which I do not care to see anymore. Little snips of different memories that I’ve tried to block out. But, flash-backs are their own authority, thus I can’t get them to go. They like sounds of screams and cries. Sentences like “I forgive you” and “It’s going to be ok one day.” Those sentences that I never want to hear again, they bring them back. And other ones like “Fuck you!” and “He’d be ok if you hadn’t come by!” More sentences I don’t want to hear anymore...but, they help me remember how I messed up. How I ruined everyone’s lives. How I caused the greatest disaster to ever hit my closest friends.

Flash-backs like to bring in things like Linkin Park too, or college and high school. Family always comes into my thoughts, and friends have a tendency to speak even though they’re not here anymore. The worst memories are of Linkin Park...I tried to block them out, to keep them out of my mind forever. But, flash-backs like Linkin Park, they think that it was a good time. I wish they wouldn’t.

Linkin Park is the one thing that sums it all up. The regret, sorrow, fear, longing...all of those words can fall into those two words. It took up most of my life, Linkin Park did. It took a huge hunk out of my young-adult years. And most of my childhood without me realizing it. It was something I knew wouldn’t last, but prayed every night that it would. But, I figured my prayers wouldn’t be answered. Now, I realize it was foolish to begin with. It was foolish to take my best friend out for auditions, foolish to meet new people and invite them, foolish to have auditions to find the one last remaining piece to the puzzle.

But, I didn’t think that then. I thought I was following my dream; was doing the right thing. I was young and naïve of course, I didn’t know any better. But, I wish I had...I wish I had seen it coming. Seen the spiral my life would go down with. Time changes you, it places scars that will never heal and it gives us little tips here and there that if we neglect...we’re sure to fall.

I neglected all those tips. All the times we had it rough and it seemed best to just quit, I pressed on. All those sicknesses and surgeries, that should’ve been a dead give away. But I fought, I fought and fought and fought. Thus I’m here, trapped in this darkness...my closest friends no more, and my new ones here to stay.

It was all my fault...

At least I realized that. At least I didn’t decide that it was OK and I could just move on, because we all know it wasn’t. It never will be either. It’s just something that happened and it’ll stay with me forever. I’m sure it’s stuck with everyone. They all hate me, I’m sure.

On top of all of this, however. The one thing that’s come out of it all...

I’m tired.

I’m so tired all the time. My eyes are dry and weak, my heart is always heavy. My dreams cause me to thrash and turn, my soul is always burdened, and my shoulders feel like they’re holding up thousands of bricks just waiting to fall onto my flesh and end my existence.

Cliché as it all may sound, tired is the only word fit to describe myself. The sorrow is nothing compared to the exhaustion. The fear is an ant hill, the hurt is just wind blowing by, and the regret is nothing more than a fleeting thought. Nothing compares to how tired I’ve become; how tired I’ve been.

Even before all this had begun, exhaustion was there. It was tiny and I hardly felt it, but it was there. Exhaustion is not a friend, I know its burden I’ve placed upon myself. All my friends can’t make it go away. I’m sure they would if they tried. But no matter how much I sleep or how little I too. I’m just growing more and more tired day by day. One day I’m quite sure I won’t wake up. My soul will give in, my mind will shut down. I’ll be a vegetable trapped in a world of loss. Just because I’m tired...

You know, everyone says they’re tired. It’s a common thing. You stayed up too late, you say you’re tired. You ran eight miles, you think you’re tired. But, you’re not. No one really understands the true definition of “tired”. No one like the people I knew at least.

When you’ve killed someone and regret it every day, then you’re tired. When you married a person you didn’t want to be with, then you’re tired. When you’ve accidentally knocked a child off of a bridge and the mother never speaks to you, then you’re tired. Examples I’ve seen on the news...examples people should learn from. Examples I wish I had learned from.

Exhaustion is a state-of-mind, they say. You can fight it. But, obviously you reach a point and you can’t. I’ve reached that point. I’ve tried to feel alive, yet all I am is dead. All I am is a worthless bag of bones waiting to fall over into eternal abyss.

I’m sick of it, in all honesty. But, being tired is something I can always rely on. I’ve lost the ability to rely on myself, and I’ve lost close friends to rely on. Yet, each and everyday exhaustion is there like I expect it to be. It’s waiting when I wake up and it sits by my bed when I fall asleep. It’s a hero for someone who’s lost all hope in everything. Because if I hope for being tired, I find I am the next day. I never once wake up refreshed or energetic, exhaustion is waiting for me like I expect it.

Foolish as it may sound, I long for the exhaustion to take me in. Being so tired weighs me down and I know one day this all will take over me and I’ll never wake up. I’ll finally be pushed away from tiredness and forced into a permanent relaxed state. But, it’ll be too late for me to care then. It’s what I wait for day after day.

Flash-backs always manage to come back to me when I think of exhaustion. When I try to fall into that eternal darkness full of hope, flash-backs parade my mind and cause me to stay awake and feel even more tired.

His screams come back to me in the waking hours of the morning. His pleas echo through the hallway as I make my way downstairs. As I cry miserably in front of my mirror, his face is always there telling me it’s ok. When it’s not. It’s not ok. I know it’s not.

Stupid flash-backs. They’ll get theirs one day. Once I’m gone they’ll have no power and they’ll fall into darkness never to be seen again. They’ll realize what they did and how wrong it was. But, that time is a long way from now. They’re enjoying the present, and not worrying about the future. Just like I was, they’re mistakes like me. They’ve messed up and won’t realize it for a very long time.

I guess in reality, I’m not alone at all. I’ve got a ton of friend sitting around me and holding me close to them. They whisper in my ear when I’m scared of silence, they hold me close when I feel alone. They’re always there, they don’t leave me. They all welcome me and I accept their invitation. It all doesn’t mean I’m happy with life, but at least I know someone is there. Many little friends whom I’ve grown accustom to, people who’ve stayed by my side whenever they have seen it most fit. I guess I should thank them...because it’s because of them that I’m not alone. That I’m trapped inside. That I’m willing to say my final goodbyes.

I wouldn’t have been able to do it without them. When I watched it all happen before my eyes. Dave’s cries...the falling light...screaming fans...as it all happened I knew those presences would be gone. All five of them. My friends were gone. Some more than others, in a way. When the scene flashed before my eyes I could feel new friends coming in, and I guess they did. I guess it wasn’t a trick on my mind. Because, now that Dave’s gone-now that everyone’s gone- I’ve found new friends, and they’ve never left me. Not once.

But, I feel it’s time they should go. That one day I always spoke of, it feels like it’s here. I think it’s about time I should just lay down and say my final goodbyes. I don’t really know why, it just starting to feel like the right thing to do. I’m sure my friends will be upset, but they’ll find new people; new friends. Toys for their manipulation inside someone else. Maybe my closest friends will find me and my new friends can meet them. They’ll all be a big group of friends together without me.

I don’t really want to think about it right now...

I’m a bit too tired. My eyes feel heavy and my heart is weighing my whole body down. It’s making me feel more sick that usual. I’m lying down and I can see the darkness rim around my eyes. It’s about time exhaustion won this battle. I’ve been cheering for it the whole time you know. I just didn’t want the others to know.

But, no matter the case. Flash-backs always have to have the last laugh. They always want to win...

“Mike, get off your sorry ass and fix up the lights! The show is in two hours, we need our equipment ready to go!” Chester screamed. I nod, trying not to kill the little heathen. All he’s been doing to me lately is screaming. Dumb-ass, he’ll get his.

I get up off the couch and make my way to the stage. Dave’s out there doing my work. I snarled. I guessed he wanted to take credit so Chester couldn’t get up in my face again. Well, I wasn’t about to comply. I stormed over there and tapped his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Dave,” I said with a sugary grin. “I’ll take care of the lights, ok? You need’nt worry about them.”

Dave hopped off the latter and looked at me oddly. Something was obviously bugging him. “Listen, Mike. This one light doesn’t seem very stable. I think you should give it an extra look, ok? I’m pretty sure it won’t stay up through the whole show.”

I laughed. “Sure thing, buddy. I’ll be sure to check them all at least four-hundred times each.” I patted his shoulder and pushed him along so I could get all my work done. He gave me a quick thanks behind his shoulder and then was gone.

When I saw he was out of sight I rolled my eyes. Like hell I’d check them all that much. If the light was up, it was up. Chester told me to get them up, no one said they had to be secure. Hopefully, the light will fall on Chester’s sorry head and he’ll get some sense knocked into him. I chuckled. If only...

I shake my head, trying to get the images out of my mind. People say your life flashes before you when you’re dying. If that’s true, then where’s the rest of my life? Do we get one last thought, seeing something we regret, right before we leave? If so, I don’t want it.

I try to shake the thoughts out, but flash-backs are very persistent friends. They really don’t want exhaustion to win. I let out a whimper and I can feel sorrow in my eyes. I should’ve figured he’d show up...

The show was about half-way through. I had gotten the remainder of the lights up and showed that cocky-assed singer that I was not lazy, as he had said. He surrendered and congratulated me. Serves him right. If I had my way he’d be dead or worshiping me right now.

But, no. He’s singing out into the crowd and I’m just bouncing around while I wait like an idiot for the bridge to start. The lights never once crossed my thoughts, even the one Dave had warned me about. During the show I almost forgot they were there. The only way I remembered was the fact that it was excruciatingly hot on the stage. I’d kill for a ice-pool right about now.

Chester began screaming his lungs out and I could hear the audience crying along with him. ‘Crawling’ always managed to get loads of response, not sure why though. It never was one of my favorites. Oh well...

I couldn’t help but smile as I listened and watched all of our loyal fans scream with Chester. Passion seemed to fill their voices as much as his own, and I could imagine all of them taking his place for a moment. I loud ‘crack’ distracted me for a second. I looked around with a worried glance and saw the technician guys wave it off. I tried to ignore it, but I felt a looming presence.

Fear entered my life...

It was my turn to sing, but I felt the mic slip out of grasps and I heard the loud, dull ‘thud’ on the speakers as it hit ground. Chester was glaring at me, yet he looked worried as well. I looked up and saw the light Dave had warned me about hanging my one measly cord. It originally had seven, where’d the other six go?!

Rob yelled and ran from his drum-set, narrowly avoiding two of the cable lines and they fell and sizzled. Sparks flew everywhere and the crowd fell into a frenzy. Fear and regret, my two new friends. They were both already there. I should’ve checked the light like Dave told me too.

I was frozen in my place. Rob and Chester were over helping Joe get out from behind his turn-tables as another cord made it’s way over. Because of all the equipment the sparks were higher now, and a small fire broke out. Nothing too big, something you’d see in an ally-way.

Brad was behind me, I’m pretty sure he was telling me to leave. But, I couldn’t. I ruined the whole show, I destroyed everyone’s good time. Sorrow was there now too. He jumped in with the others and I didn’t turn him down.

One thought ran through my head before all hell broke loose...

I turned to Brad and grabbed his shoulders, panic stricken. “Where’s Dave!?”

Brad’s eyes widened and he looked around the stage, tossing his guitar aside. We found Dave at the edge of the stage, trying to calm the audience down. He always was a people person...

The people didn’t seem to want to listen to him as screams broke out and people pointed up. Dave looked up just in time to see the fallen light five feet above his own head. He tried to move...I tried to get to him...the others did too...the fans tried to warn him in time...the stage crew tried to stop it all. But, nothing worked. A loud ‘crash’ echoed through the outside arena and glass shattering filled my ears. Dave’s bass was crushed and hanging just outside the light and Dave himself was trapped right below it.

It was a medium sized light. It covered his chest, stomach, and upper legs. His arms thrashed about as he tried to get it off of him. Everyone ran to him, everyone except me. I had killed Dave...

I’d ruined it all again. I’d messed up. Dave had been right, I had been wrong...why was I so cocky? Why couldn’t I do as he said? I would blame it all on Chester, but I knew in the end, it was my fault.

Chester had dragged me over to our bassist. I guess he thought I needed to watch my friend die or something. I don’t know. But, there I was, kneeling next to his head. His face was writhed in pain, but he smiled at us and tried to assure us that it was all going to be ok. When we heard news that there were no personnel’s ready for such a crisis, we all knew this was it. The last fleeting moments of Linkin Park, the final tale to our story of friendship and fame. It stung like no wasp I’ve ever seen.

I broke down first, sorrow taking that physical form again and longing entering the scene. Longing to turn back time and do as Dave told me. Do what I knew should’ve been done. I was so stupid. So overly stupid...

“Dave...I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you,” I choked and everyone stared at me. “I didn’t check the lights four-hundred times each, I’m sorry. I didn’t check it. I ignored it completely, and now...” I broke off and grabbed his hand. “Dave...sorry isn’t good enough, I know that. God, I don’t know what-”

“Mike, shut-up,” Dave whispered, and I felt his hand tighten slightly on mine. “It’s ok, dude. It really is. None of this is your fault. If anyone’s it’s mine because I didn’t fix the light myself. I sat there staring at it. Don’t blame this on yourself.”

I cried harder, I didn’t need to hear that. “You may not blame me, Dave. But I do. I blame myself and always will, there’s nothing that can change that. It’s my fault, not yours. Don’t you DARE die thinkig that got it?!”

Dave chuckled and closed his eyes. “It’s alright, Mike.” The softness and calm-feeling in his voice caused me to open my eyes and stare at him. “It’s ok...I forgive you.”

With that, he let go of my hand and waved casually to the rest of the band. He whispered his good-byes and best wishes to Chester and Joe, he thanked Brad for the good times, and he told Rob that their friendship would never be forgotten. How a man can be so sweet and calm during death is beyond me. God, only Dave...

But he was gone.

His eyes didn’t shut and he continued to stare warmly at Rob, who in turn let out a strangled cry. Tears fell harder than they’ve ever before and not only from us. A loud wail made it’s way across our fans. Their reasons for crying I don’t know, but at least they weren’t clapping. I cried amongst the others as well, though I knew I was suddenly an outcast of the group...

Yeah, I told you flash-backs were evil little monsters. After that I remember being yelled at and hated by the people I wanted to seek comfort from. They all hated me and turned their backs. They even ignored me at the funeral. I do suppose I deserved it...I killed him after all. Only words of hate were shared then. I stopped talking, they didn’t stop. That’s when I secluded myself with my new friends. My new friends who stuck by me the whole time.

Here I am now, all but laughing at myself. I was so stupid to think I could do anything. Laying here now was my calling, I wish I had seen that sooner. The dark rims around my eyes are growing thicker and an idea pops into my head. With fear fighting against me, I make my way to the phone. I dial up Chester’s house very slowly, trying to remember his number.

When he picks up I let out a small ‘hey’. He ‘hey’s me back and I laugh slightly. I tell him what I’ve been doing and of my new friends. It doesn’t take me long because I find myself falling to the floor. Figures I die when I work the guts to talk.

He’s telling me he’s going to come here, but I know he wont. I’ll never see his face again. He’ll be a past friend that only existed in my picture books. He keeps assuring me he’s coming, that he’s on his way. That I need to hold on, that he’s sorry. But, that’s all bull and I know it. He doesn’t hang up though.

He keeps talking.

But, I tune him out. I called him and said I was sorry. I knew it was my fault. Dave’s death was my fault, and my own as well. I can feel my wounds opening and I can feel my eyes grow tired. All those nights spent alone in the bathroom, I guess they took their toll on me. Should’ve figured my own death would be from my own stupidity as well. Just how dumb can I get?

Chester’s still talking, pleading me to wake up. It’s the last thing I ever hear...

“Please Mike, you’re forgiven. Don’t go-”

Silence.

The only sound echoing through the darkness. The only thing cutting through my final breaths and causing ringing in my ears. The only thing that has brought waves through my dying mind and registered as a void, as knowing nothing is here.

[the end]