Category Linkin Park

Night Fears by Hmaddox1

If this sucks tell me and I won't continue it. There is much more to it than just this so let me know how you like it.

I’m standing outside my hotel room door looking at it. I haven’t went in yet and I feel a bit guilty about it. I sigh and proceed to put the key card thingy in the door when I hear Mike behind me.

“What the hell are you doing? Get your ass in here!”

He’s smiling and I know he doesn’t mind at all but I do feel guilt for doing this every night we’re on tour. I turn towards him and give him a look telling him that I don’t want to intrude on him anymore. HE returns the look with one of his own that says shut up and get over here. I sigh, nod and walk into the door he’s holding open for me.

I sit my stuff down in the floor and plant myself on the edge of the bed where I’m sure I look as miserable as I feel. He shuts the door and stands in front of me just looking at me. I feel like shit for this already but he’s making it worse and doesn’t even realize it.

“Dude, you know how you are on tour. You can’t do that to yourself. I’m here for you, you know that.”

I look up at him finally. He’s right. I can’t be alone at night when on tour. It’s not a good thing at all. Only Mike knows what happens. He’s known since we were in high school, and he promised me way back then to never tell anyone. As far as I know, he’s kept that promise.

I feel his hand on my shoulder as he’s telling me he’s going to take a shower. I watch him walk away hoping against hope that by the time he returns I can just be asleep so I don’t have to feel the humiliation that I’ve lived with since I was a teenager.

I undress and climb into the bed that is barely big enough for one grown man much less two. And there is that familiar humiliation again. Why do I have to be the fucked up one of the group? Why is it me that has had to live with anxiety and night terrors? I was 14 when it started. Mike was there, so was Brad. It was at a party that some guy from school was having. All of the popular kids were there, I was only there because of Brad and Mike. For some reason they took pity on me and befriended me. Anyway, I had been nervous all day, I hate crowds but as we walked into the house with the blaring music and the hordes of people I felt my chest tighten. That was where I had my first anxiety attack. Mike and Brad rushed me out the door and back to Mike’s house. Brad went home and Mike insisted I stay with him. He was worried, that night everything got worse. I was awakened in the middle of the night by a very pale, very scared looking Mike Shinoda. He said I had been thrashing about and screaming in my sleep. I broke down crying. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me.

My mom ended up taking me to a doctor the next day. Soon I was told about the anxiety and night terrors. I was given medication that I have taken everyday since. I was also told that it was nothing to be ashamed about that it was just the way my body deals with stress. Great. I’m a freak. The medication is great, I don’t have nearly as many anxiety attacks and the night terrors had all but went away, except when were on tour. It doesn’t happen every night but often enough that Mike has decided I don’t sleep alone anymore. What’s more is, I don’t seem to have them at all as long as Mike is holding me. I don’t know if he’s noticed but I have. He seems to be my source of comfort and security. I’ve become dependent on him, not to mention the small crush I’ve developed on him.

So here I lay waiting on him to get out of the shower and crawl into the bed to hold me all night long. You’d think I’d be happy but I can’t be. I know he only does it because I’m weak. If I were strong like Brad or Chester then maybe I could just sleep in my own damn bed and fantasize about him like a normal person but no, I have to be me. The freak.

Sometimes I think of how much better off me and Mike would both be if I left the band. I wouldn’t have to torture myself by pinning over the untouchable Mr. Shinoda and he wouldn’t have to baby sit me every night. But for some reason I can’t bring myself to do that. I love this band, I love the guys, I love doing the shows, I love the meet and greets where fans always seem to find it charming that I’m the shy one. How could I leave this? What would I do? I’m a drummer, that’s what I do, it’s who I am. But really it isn’t fair to Mike to have to baby sit me.

I’ve decided to tell him all of this. I need to get it out of my system. Well, maybe not the part about the crush but the rest of it seems pretty important. I feel the bed shift and I know he’s here. I feel his warm and slightly damp arm slip around my waist. He’s being particularly quite and I realize that he must think I’m asleep. He draws himself closer to me and I feel his whole body against my back. I’ve decided to allow him to think I’m asleep for now and just enjoy this moment when I can pretend he does this out of love and not obligation. I think I hear him let out a really long sigh but I don’t feel his breath on my shoulder, and I’m sure I would have. Maybe he was smelling me. Maybe I’ve really gone crazy. I can’t stop myself from shifting back against him letting him know I’m awake.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

I laugh slightly. “You didn’t I was awake.”

He nods and I continue to watch him in the dark. “Night Brodie.” He sighs the words more than speaks them and I see his eyes close as his head rests on my shoulder. I guess I’ll have to hold off on talking to him till tomorrow. Tonight I think I’ll simply savor the closeness and watch him sleep. It really is a beautiful site.

I’ve done this countless nights. I watch the rise and fall of his chest. I listen to the even, steady lull of his breath. I watch as his eyes twitch under his lids wondering what he’s dreaming. Sometimes while he’s dreaming he lets out a soft moan and I close my eyes and pretend he does it for me. You would be amazed at how vivid my imagination can be when it comes to this. I can see everything in my head, my hands running over his body as it arches up towards me. His eyes closed in deep concentration as I pull his boxers off revealing his beautiful body as a whole. I can hear the shaky breath he releases as I lay on top of him and kiss the soft skin of his neck.

At this point I know I need to stop myself because I don’t need to get my self all worked up with no way to do a thing about it. I’m not tired yet so I lay there thinking back on all of the years I’ve lived this way. I wonder what my life would have been like if Mike and Brad hadn’t befriended me. I wonder if I would have ever made it with another band. I doubt it. I know one of the only reasons any of us are here is because of Mike’s determination. Yet another reason to love him.

Mike’s hand slides down my body and stops just above the area I long for him to touch the most. I look at him and see his face still relaxed with sleep. He’s just moving in his sleep. Maybe I could just scoot around a bit and make his hand move a little. No, that would be a bad, bad thing. I know this. But I can’t help but think about it. I silently chuckle at my own stupidity. Mike would freak out if he knew what I was thinking.

That’s the very moment I heard his soft moan, I felt him shift closer to me and felt that he was hard. Whatever he was dreaming tonight, it was a good one. Maybe it was about me, again maybe I’m crazy. He shifted slightly again rubbing himself against me. I moaned at the feeling. He had never done this before. God, this was so wrong and I shouldn’t be enjoying it but I couldn’t help it. HE rubbed against me again moaning louder. I wanted to touch him so bad, have him touch me, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t going to risk waking him up.

Soon he was full on dry humping me. It was a slow but steady pace and it was driving me mad. I wondered if he would continue this till he came. I also wondered if that would wake him. Part of me hoped it would and part of me didn’t. I had never wanted anything more in my entire life than Mike at this very moment. My body ached for him and the fact that he was asleep and rubbing his very hard sex against me wasn’t helping at all.

Suddenly he stopped pressed full on against me as he moaned the word baby very loudly. That’s when I felt the warm stickiness against my skin. I felt Mike stiffen as he inhaled deeply. I knew he had awoken and he was realizing what had just happened. Now the big question is, do I tell him I was a wake for his little show or continue to pretend to be asleep.

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