Inside of me by halvlang

Add review

From: Penelope_Ink

Date: 2018-11-20

Chapter: ?

Oh man. I knew this was going to be hard just from the description. Thank you for posting/writing it. I know it's hard, and at the same time it can be healing. I think the concept of the stairs is really well done. And to loop that in at the end with Mike missing the last step and that triggering him is really...wow. Like he's said, grief tackles him when he's not expecting it, and I think that moment really shows an example of that.

Poor Chester. Listening to him go through the staircase in his mind and how that makes him feel...gosh. How scary. How unknowing and unpredictable. Maybe his mind was really like that in some ways. I don't know. It's hard to think about, and yet wondering what "really" happened is something that stays in my thoughts a lot.

Again, thank you for sharing. Even when it's hard, I think it's healthy to write it out and for others it can help to read it. *hugs* and I'm liking your other story, so I hope you get to post it soon too :)

From: JellyfishLP

Date: 2018-11-19

Chapter: ?

I think the staircase metaphor was really fitting, thank you for this emotional story.

This is just a short review, but I can't find the words to express what I feel when I read this.

From: lpfan503

Date: 2018-11-18

Chapter: ?

Things like this always make me wonder how close we get to the actual mark when it comes to this subject. How much Chester shared with Mike, how close they were, and how much guilt or lack thereof Mike feels now. For whatever reason I can write this stuff but have a hard time reading it. I guess because I don't know the outcome, and of course I didn't expect it to be a dream/product of him passing out and so that's upsetting. Not in a "I'm triggered, I can't cope anymore" way, but just sad and wishing it hadn't gone this way. Despite all that, it's nice writing. :)

From: Cissoye

Date: 2018-11-18

Chapter: ?


That was hard to read. I usually avoid Post July 20th stories because they're just so painful. Even though I came in late in the fandom (after Chester's passing) LP's music was part of my life. I remember seeing In The End's music video for the first time on TV, the yellow of the CGI and Mike's black outfit and hair contrasting with the color. Since then, I've loved every of their new single release (I didn't have internet at the time and only heard them on the Radio. And I didn't have this notion of being a fan and everything, so for a long time it was just their music, and Mike. Because he's been my favorite since I first laid eyes on him, haha).

It's weird for me to acknowledge and confess how I feel about Chester because I don't feel legitimate to do so, somehow(?). I came in AFTER in the fandom, and even though I couldn't have really come sooner because I didn't even know the concept of a fandom existed, there's still this kind of "guilt" and "regret" that remain.

I've a hard time admitting to other fans that I feel sad when I think about Chester and everything that happened. I can't watch 2017 live shows because it's just... you can see Chester's not okay there and I just can't. And recently, which I wasn't expecting myself, I've felt so freaking sad every time I see him on Twitter or something. It's like I've got attached to him despite the fact he's gone, and I've a hard time dealing with that. I don't feel like I've a right to express myself about him or get invested in him, because I was not there when he was alive. And it's fucked up to think like that, but I can't help it.

I'm the kind of person to get 100% into things. I give my whole to the ones I love (I'm the obsessive kind of person. I can focus on only one thing at a time, while I neglect what used to be my other interests), and I've fallen so hard in the Linkin Park/Mike Shinoda pit that the feelings I have for them are similar (I believe) to the ones a long timer would have. And that's exactly what I've been trying to avoid.

As I said, Mike has always been my fav and since I've got into the fandom I've focused my all attention on him. I want to be excited about what he'll do and what he's to offer. I want to enjoy his music and shows, because I don't feel like I have a right to express my sadness concerning Chester. I've been avoiding him, even, to not get too attached to him, but it still happened. And I'm not sure how to deal with that or express myself to the fandom, so I don't. I instead focus on Mike and the positivity surrounding what he's doing and he's bringing to people.

But, like I was saying, this feeling of sadness has been very present lately. Maybe because I've not watched Linkin Park shows in a little while now, I don't know. But all that to say you got me very emotional here (proof is this very personal long ass review, haha), and throughought the first bit, while Chester was talking about his metaphor and Mike was asking him to never forget he was here and to always come to him, I couldn't stop thinking about his passing and the fact he's gone so, yeah. Very painful to read. Somehow, the Mike Chester scene was harder on me than the last bit. This nostalgia you feel while thinking about everything these two had and shared and is now gone. Sometimes, it doesn't feel real, that he's gone. I guess the many videos we have of him can make it difficult to realize fully what happened.

The other day I was just thinking about it. I saw a sneak peak of some vid from one of LP shows, and then these images of Mike and Ches on stage, and then the Post Traumatic pics of his last shows and... yeah, I started thinking about LP without Ches on stage. All these questions that comes to mind and these feelings tagging along.

This shit brings a lot of emotions and I hope I make sense up there, but I needed to say it. I've been wanting to share this with someone for a while, so I hope you don't mind ^^"

Reviews 1 to 4 of 4